Rear view

__ Praise be the spirit of the Fringe

The REV OBADIAH STEPPENWOLFE III moves in some mysterious ways.

very good God-given day to you. my Scotch

brothers and sisters. I am the Reverend Obadiah

Steppenwolfe III. principle pastor for the Ministry of Steppenwolfe (affiliated with the Tabernacle of the Bleeding Virgin) in C oxville. Tennessee. I have been asked by the good people at The List magazine to tell y‘all about my first Fdinboro Festival crusade.

I would like to begin by payin‘ my respects and showin‘ my admiration for The List magazine and all the good work it does in supportin’ the homeless and those without means to support themselves. I've been told all about The List magazine lettin' those poor. wet. malnourished. ricket- legged. filter—smokin‘. dirt-eatin'. rough-sleepin‘. spare- change-collectin‘ bastards sell The List magazine on street corners. and lettin' them use spare copies as bedding and foodstuffs. I think that'sjust swell.

GOD LOVES YOU First off. I decided to see how the forces of darkness were workin' in their promotin‘ of the smokin' of crack and the worshippin‘ of Satan. I checked out the competition at the Festival. I was drawn to a show by a performer named Johnny Vegas for two reasons: 1) by his name: I took him to be a big-time song-and-dance man outta Reno. like the one my third wife ran off with: 2) he looks a lot like my cousin Odelle. I took this as a good sign. thanked the Lord and went to buy me a ticket. Brit the show was sold out I could not get in. That same evening. I preached the word of the Lord to a congregation of seven people. That night. I said my prayers. double-dosed on lithium and went to bed.

BUY COLA The next day. I went to catch a show by a Scotch brother. going by the stage name of Phil Kay. I wanted to see his show on account of him workin‘

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without notes. just lettin’ the Holy Spirit flow through him. Also. he reminded me of Jip Cantell. the backwoods boy who kidnaps old women. except that Jip has his left and his right eyeballs in the one socket. So. I went to buy me a ticket. It was sold out. That night I drank a quart of catshit sippin' bourbon and preached to what appeared to be a crowd of twelve people. In reality. six tickets had been sold. Before I went to sleep. I polished my gun and made a small sacrifice to the Santera voodoo Earth goddess.

EAT CHEESEBURGERS The next day. I asked the Lord to cut me some goddamned slack and I went to see a comedian called Emo Phillips. The reason I wanted to catch this boy’s show was that I thought I could help him with his cursed annoying voice. by puttin' my healin’ hands on his throat. Yes. it was sold out. Yes. I did perform for the bar stafi‘. And yes. I was so pissed off that I had to handcuff myself to the bedframe and swallow the key.

DRINK BEER I came to. naked as a jaybird. and on the bandstand in Princes Gardens. with no handcuffs. no bedframe and an unsavoury staining around my mouth. A crowd of 30 people watched and applauded as I arose full of God‘s momin‘ glory. I received a four-star review in The Scotsman.

SHOOT GUNS Prospects for tonight are good. brothers and sisters. as the cleaners are joining the bar staff for my show. and I’m going to see a country and westem group. the Bangkoklady Boys! Glory be!

Rev Obadiah Steppenwolfe III, Gilded Balloon at Teviot Row, 8pm until 27 Aug.

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64 THE LIST FESTIVAL GUIDE 23 Aug—6 Sept 2001