Festival Front

0 o I I Who’s getting up to what this Festival

I Once more into the breach. my dearies. Time to don our parkas and furry muffs and shuffle out into the Arctic depths of the Pleasance Courtyard at midnight for an over-priced hot dog and a painfully cold shandy Bass. and be sure to work up a full neck of spittle for the passing flyer distributors. It's Festival time. They've started putting shows up there now apparently. Whatever next?

I With friends like this who needs enemies? You come to Edinburgh with an interesting idea. maybe even some talent. One such poor bastard is Ian McKenzie Stewart. a young ballet dancer knocking out a c0uple of reputable called 'Ballet Rimbaud' and ‘Possession' at C. So far. so good. eh? Then someone comes on board to 'help' with drumming up some media attention. knocking him out a press release highlighting the salient points of his career. The Li'st's intrepid dance correspondent wasted no time in getting on the blower to quiz Ian abOut his show.

‘You were a Highland dancing champ at nine then, lan?’

‘Well, no. it was actually 1 l.‘ ‘OK. maybe a typo . . . YOU spent some time dancing with Scottish Ballet though. Must be nice to be back here?’

'Erm . . . no. I never actually danced with Scottish Ballet.‘ 'Ah . . . Well what about getting botox as part of this performance? It says here it was being done to improve your "general attractiveness".'

IS THE PRICE RIGHT?

'Um . . . No.’

Insider accidentally burned the original press release trying to light the cooker the other day so if anyone has a copy then feel free to pass it on. Insider also reckoned he saw a missive somewhere abOut Jimmy Carr performing some kind exorcism in his show or was that just reSurrecting old jokes? Can't be sure . . .

I Old people. Can't eat 'em. can't sell them. Worst still is when they're not wrestling each other in the aisles of Scotmid for the last economy- sized Fray Bentos chicken and mushroom pie they're abusing the postal system. Insider was traumatised when over the period of abOut three weeks

the senile old dribblers that are performing the CAP Comedy Spectacular managed to post a wild array of nonsense including paper doilies. false teeth and a press release for a different show entirely. Just cos they fought a bloody war for us doesn‘t mean they've got to ruin our postie's back. y‘know.

.. .‘ .3." IIII I And now our Freak of the Week. We all understand that your 55 minutes are filled with comedic gold but if you have to resort to photographing your head in these places then you should be rethinking your punchlines. Top marks for enthusiasm for this trio of tumshies: Mark Maier and the ladies of United Biscuits. but you're scaring us now. so please stop.

I One thing bound to inspire queues longer than a Boss Noble one-liner is the notice asking for volunteers to ‘assist‘ with XXX. Given that they have been raving about the explicit content. Insider was contemplating throwing his bowler in the ring. I'II report back next week on whether it was more Caligula or Countdown.

I Talking of painting on fake smiles and giving all for queen and country. by the time you read this. all-action star of Hollywood bollockbusters Christian ‘the Slate’ Slater will be in town giving it his all in One Flew Over the Cuckoo ’s Nest. After years of impersonating Jack Nicholson the young bounder now gets to fulfil his dream.

Insider was almost moved to symbolically burn his well worn copies of Heathers and

Pump Up the Volume

however, on hearing that he was very much a Charlie Sheen rather than an Andrew McCarthy when it comes to late night hedonism. Insider is very much a ladies of Morningside type of chap. while the Slate (as we will now insist in calling him) is apparently more at home with the Ladyboys of Bangkok. Insider has discovered the Slate was slung out of Stringfellows in London recently for watching the lapdancers in a Richard Nixon mask. Could have been worse though: could have been a Peter Stringtellow mask.

This story broke on the same day that he was reported to be struck down with chicken pox. Word that the pox were a voodoo curse laid on the Slate from a Fringe veteran and recently disgruntled former directorial collaborator remains very. very unconfirmed. And anyway. isn't shingles the proper name for chicken pox when you stop being a kid? No doubt before long we'll find him outside the Rapldo at four in the morning, smoked sausage supper in hand.

Sprawling Che Guevara biOpic starring smouldering Latin saucepot Gael Garcia Bernal. Twenty-nine pouts in 126 minutes. Price per smouldering pout: 36p. I UGC. 623 8030, 18 Au, 9pm. 9.30pm, £10.45

(£7. 70).

Humphrey Lytfleton:

£19.50

Legendary antique big band

Jazz daddy. Plenty of massed horn action. At least 23 honking. parping horn solos per 90 minute show. Price per parping solo: 85p.

I Queen '3 Hall, 4 73 2000,

8.30pm, .8 79.50 (£76).

Bawdy De Sade adaptation. Big on nudity and racy weirdness. Nipples exposed 22 times in two hOurS.

Price per nipple: 90p.

I Pleasance, 556 6550. 4- 14 Aug (not 9). 8pm. $15—20 (£18).

Are you getting yOur money's worth out of your Festival ticket?

Michael Ball: £34.00 Curly topped. honey- throated purveyor of West End musical slop. Thirty warbling show stoppers in One two hour show.

Price per show stopper: £1 .1 3.

IRoss Theatre, 228 1155. 15 Aug, 8.15pm, £34.

Simpsons voiceover queen Nancy Cartwright tells tall tales of Bart. Nancy is 5ft

tall, Bart Simpson is 4ft 8in.

Price per foot: £1.69. Assembly Rooms, 226 2428, 6—30 Aug (not 10. 17), various times, fut—£16.50 ($13—14).

5—12 Aug 2004 THE LIST FESTIVAL MAGAZINE 7

Orteo ed Buridice: £58 Operatic retelling of Orpheus’ journey to rescue

Eurydice from Hades. Plenty

of distress: one wall every

seven minutes in a two-hour

performance. Price per woe-tilled wail: £3.41. I Festival Theatre, 473 2000. 1—4 Sep (not 2), 7.15pm. £7-58.