Festival Agenda


Who tried to do what to whom but got caught and is denying it furioust

I Forget the Film Festival fuss about Neve Campbell dropping her no nudity clause for When Will / Be Loved - it's male members in the ascendancy for Fringe self- promotion. Ever since a young Leech in South Africa witnessed Martin Mor and Robin Ince performing; a balloon dance that left nothing to the imagination. signalling the end of their birthday party moonlighting and the Leech's psychiatrist clearing her schedule. your correspondent has been wholly averse to comedic cock. It's an affliction that Jerry Sadowrt/ in particular retitinely ignores wrth trouser dropping contempt. Not that a proud manhood isn't good and godly the Leech is in negotiations with the Caesar iwins' lrightl management to re make Women in Love al fresco and a little bit frrskrer - it's Just that coiiiedians' genitalia tend to be even funnier than their other bits. Arthur Smith is so misinformed about the beauty of his percy that he famously insured it for Elmillion. However. he was dipping it in a mug of tea every night before a live audience. which could well be the dictionary definition of British zccentricity. If your dictionary w; s written by the Marquis de Sade and Frank Bough.

I So the l eech is scarcely surprised to hear that Spank"s


naked promo challenge. in which a birthday suited performer gets a minute to plug their show. has become so popular that there's talk of touring the home counties and frightening the horses. At a recent gig. the leech witnessed a bacchanalian orgy of drunken willy- waving. with both Brian longwell of Why Work? (not haying to flash the old chap at strangers?) and Victor Isaac of the Nigerian Spam Scam Scan: - [he DirectOI '5 Cut introducing their wrves' best friend. the latter into Brendon Burns' pint. Nonplussed. BB drank it down like rriother's milk. If. like the l eech. your mother was a bloke.

I It's not rust drunken men defiling God's rather modest image though. Beauty and the Beast features dancer Shakti (below) transforming from a sheet wrapped damsel in the shower to a slavering naked beast. recalling one

of the best nights of the

l eech's long and otherWIse uneventful life. Boots offered free sensual bubble bath With every liisney DVD and the leech had a funny tuiii watching cutlery and candlesticks coining alive.

I the Leech was browsing through the physical theatre section of the fringe programme. searching for salvation in the form of a little herrriaphrodite nudity. There. hidden among the birth/death metaphor shows was the answer: 'Welcome to Hotel Arriiantus. Three guests, one G-spot. A well. a tap. no water: half an hour to find it.' Half an hour to find the (3 spot? l; nthused. the Leech went to the Underbelly to rein in the search. orin to be told that the show had been postponed because one of the

acrobat performers had fallen off his bike and broken a leg. An acrobat falling off his bike? the l eech left. knowrng that Such bunglers hadn't a hope in hell of finding its GSpot.

I For bare arsed cheek. the

l eech finds it hard not to applaud Radio Blah Blah's Danny James. The chat host has been staging a competition wrth friends to see who can blag their way into the most i ringe shows by inventing publications and production companies, Having revealed his little wheeze. James has been besieged by freebie requests for his own show. all from chancers, chisellers and charlatans pretending to be Journalists. In addition to these legitimate members of the press however, the public are at it too. unle:s Pig Nympho from 'l've fingered Kermit' Productions actually produces shows for the BBC.

I So when Will the Leech be loved"? Where is the Leech's beauty. beast or indeed. mad Japanese dancer? As a ‘Sybarrte hermaphrodite free spirit' who has been broken like an exotic butterfly on the wheel of bottomfeeding gossip. the l eech strains to represent his/her/its point of View in a language that makes few concessions to those neither fish nor fowl. leading to desperate attempts to identify With a gender. any gender. bending this way and that in an attempt to fit somewhere. S()lii(—)()lit3. ls that what you want Brenda/Breridan Hollis of Glasgow. / ist issue 11 t 1 Aug? the l eech is man—woman enough for the likes of you and challenges you to a rnrne's bigger than yours and beautiful in its own way contest.

Everyone's cussing this year. We chuck some coffers in the swearbox and analyse just how much rude language there is at the festivals

That’s disgusting! These Latin ladies make their way through a worrying amount of cunts and motherfuckers. How much? 71% of the £11 ticket. so £7.74 spent on profanity alone.

Dara O’Brialn

What did he say? Veteran swearer who soirietirncs barely has time to speak for a good bollox. Telly hasn't darniwntxt his spirits.

How much? $12. of which $27 .63 is language that wodd make your hair curl.


Freester Love Supreme

Excuse me? Tons of fucks. That's filthy? Well, no

(and fecks). a couple of actually. Changed a couple bastards when describing a of fucks into tricks when a baboon and a few stooge picked from the spectacular arses too. audience got fruity. And this How much? At $111 a from rappers too.

ticket and 3p a swear word How much? 75p of

it's 25.02 of cuss. swearing from a 5‘12 ticket.

Smutt abound? Weit, there's not actually any talking as it's a ballet but someone flips the bird half way through. (Sorry . . .) How much? Prices from C7 to 235 but still reiativeiy obscenity free.

Gamarjobat - A Shut Up Comedy From Japan Pardon, young man? Japanese mime duo tops the lot. Not an obscene gesture or mucky word to belound.

How much? 539.50 of pure cuss free entertainment.