Festival veterans

Simon Munnery shares his lessons learned from 21 years on the Fringe

I Give up. And carry on.

I Don't lend Phil Kay a blanket. Give it to him as a gift: this saves awkwardness later. He's not a materialist. even if the material in question is pure wool.

I The Fringe has taken my money. my hair and my youth. But my money I did not need. my hair seivrxl no useful purpose and. as for my y0uth. he still writes. but now his epistles are infused with such delightful malice. such shimmenng insight. that the words leap off the page.

I If you see a queue. join it. If you don't see a queue. start one. After all. history has proven time and again that groups of people in lines are never wrong.


I Dance for fuck's sake. it i; it 's what you're for.

I Reviews are no substitute for views: while you're discussing what you nave seen. you could be seeing something else.

I Get tanked up at dawn. stop drinking in the afternoon and go to bed sober.

5 Plays with a gruesome body count

that way there will be no hangovers and if you do end up in hospital it WI“ be off peak.

I Some buses in Edinburgh have a pole in the entrance that prevents getting a pram on. This is lxx:ause the Lothian bus company are not in favour of children.

I If a girl suddenly starts dancing in front of you for no obvrous reason calm down and think to yourself. ‘Tis so because l Will it so.' In fact if anything happens that is surprising or ix2rplexnig think. ‘Tis so because will it so.'

I Hang with rappers from NYC. they where it at. What they say may not make sense. but it does rhyine. Word.

I Remember someone somewhere in this town is haying a better time than you. but they wouldn't be if you were there with them because you're a miserable sod mourning you know not what and sucking the life out of the

I Go to a gig at the Jam Festival and try to pay with chocolate coins. Tell them it's ia/x money.

I Take your glasses back to the bar.

I Pick up any butts you find and keep them iii your pocket. You'll need them later. tleieye me.

I Back iii the day there was Late and Live at the Gilded Balloon and it was raucous. exciting and jammed. Now there's a thousand late-night shows all poorly attended. Couldn't we sort this out?

I Don't come. It'll make it all the better when you do.

I Whatever you do don't buy The List.

Simon Munnery’s AGM 2008, the Stand, 558 7272, until 25 Aug, 4.15pm, £7—£8 (ES—£7).


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During the Festival, the standard of the unsolicited gifts we’re sent gets better. A lot better. If you are a performer in Edinburgh, the crucial thing to remember about payola is it’s cheap, easy and it works. So send us something interesting and we’ll write about you. Yes, we really are that shallow

Pickled Onions Not lust any old lesco pickled onions. liiese appear to be home made to boot. Fxtra marks for the Il()lll(l”lil£i(l(3 floi'rery lid. thanks to Plastic by (30 Bird Productions. Pleasance Courtyard. until 2.1 Aug. Pineapple It's been a long time since i're've seen a tin of these. they can usually be spotted gariiisliing a gammon steak iii seaside hotels. A classic of British cuisine. Hooray for The Cheese and Pineapple Club. Underbelly. until 21 Aug.

Jaffa Cakes It pains us to confess that not only crew the Jaffa Cakes eaten before we had a chance to photograph them. ‘-.'/e've also no idea who sent them as the box ended up in the bin. If it was your show. please accept out apologies and send us your details. And more Jaffa Cakes.

Curly Wurly Sanie story with the Curly Wuily. It ‘.'.r'as small enough to be- consunied by an unnamed llltIl‘.I(Itl£lI in one fren/ied sitting before the arrival was even made office .'.’l(I(,‘ knowledge. We're not proud of this behaviour. Please feel free to send it again or claim ownership of this fine. tine gift and we'll plug your show.

Charlie Victor Romeo Udderbe/Iy's Cowbarn

Topping the morbidity league with plane upon planeful of passengers heading to a nasty end. Charlie Victor Romeo takes transcripts from black bOx recorders and re- enacts those scary final minutes of sky-high tensron. Not every passenger dies. but most of them do - 798 to be exact.

Terminus Traverse

there's the ‘r'.0tl‘.at‘i who gets her eyes gOdng. the one whose threat is cut on. a one-night stand. the expectant iiiottier who throws herself under a bus. the man who Sayings from his own guts and the woman .vlio has sex with a demon as she falls to in r death. But don't iet that put yOu off.


Deep Cut Traverse

parents have other ideas. Trainee soldiers Sean Benton. James Collinsori. Geoff Gray and Cheryl James all died of bullet wounds at the Deepcut barracks between 1995 and 2002. Deep Cut asks the uncomfortable questions.

Morose children only at

Clookhun Icy C C!){I'7!l)(?f$ The army called it SUICIde. the ‘tr‘eer

DLlllibSIitNJS plliOCCI‘iIO'Si‘yIG fable iii which a little girl is missing. presumed dead. Not Only that but her riiechanical replacement comes to an unhappy end and (look away

Nocturne Traverse

He seems the genial son. this former pianist who is trying his hand at novel writing in between working shifts in a New Yerk bookshop. Bit of a loner. bit screwed up. but charming in his way. There's ,iust one thing. Fifteen years ago he killed his

now: even the Clocklieart 80y sister.

iiiiiiself gets it iii the cogs.