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Edinburgh insight Beautician by day, Fringe star by night, Rosa spills the beans on the rich and famous
for my clients.
I tell you a story. Some years ago I receive a visit from a single mum who was down in the dumps: no money, no man. She says to me: ‘Rosa, please help me, I need you to find a man who could bring a bit of magic into my life and also, some money.’ I cannot tell you who this lady was; of course she is a big star now, but I say to her, ‘JK, sit down, take two neurofen and relax!’ Then I shaped her bikini into a lightning bolt. In no time, she is calling me from her house in the Bahamas to tell me of the man who has brought her fortune, fame and Hairy Potter.
I moved to the Scotland from Russia in 1984 after the break up of my marriage. My husband Igor was regrettably more in love with my brother Tomcruiski than he was with me and the two of them fled to the Russian Alps where they inspired the Russian cult hit movie, You Broke My Back in the Mountains. Honeys, my show is already a crowd favourite at this year’s Edinburgh Festival despite its frequent references to bears, David Beckham and sausages. I want you to come to sit in my theatre and drink in some of my words of advice. Look at what I did for Susan Boyle, Donald Trump and Nicolas Sarkozy. Think of what I could do for you!
Rosa Waxes Lyrical, Nightclub at the Gilded Balloon, 622 6552, until 26 Aug, 9.30pm, £10 (£8.50).
Honeys, my name is Rosa and I run my own beauty salon in Edinburgh, where I specialise in bikini waxing, colouration and of course, the back, sack, crack and shaft wax. Many of your readers at The List are my clients, and many more would be if they could only get an appointment.
I’m a waxer to the stars, and I have put many high-profile people where they are today . . . David Beckham, Brangelina, the man with the gorgeous tan from the big white house. Honey, these are just a few of the lucky men and women
MANY SCREAM AS I RIP FROM THEM THEIR UNWELCOME MATS
who have screamed out my name as their unwelcome mats. them
I
rip from
I’m in the business of changing people’s lives. I have a very simple anthem, which of course is the most played single in beauty salons across the world: ‘Honour Your Bikini’. It’s amazing how effective this little motto has been
FESTIVAL BRIBES
We don’t like to call it bribery, but here at The List we do love the odd goodie, and this year we don’t mind telling you, we feel a little bereft, people. That said, a few did cross our palms this week affording us happy smiles all round. Loofah Here at List Towers we were bowing at the altar of all things comedy, thanks to the true genius of Shed Simove. The self confessed Ideas Man sent us a Martin Loofah King. See what he did there? One side a print of the main man, the other the memorable line: ‘I have a clean.’ You rock our world. Belushi’s, 226 146 until 31 Aug, 7pm, £5. A gold condom Aw, you really shouldn’t have. Here at The List safety always comes
first. Can the same be said for Don Juan
though, who is currently hanging out down Soho way at this year’s Fringe? C Venues, 0845 260 1234, 23–31 Aug, 1pm. Humbugs Ok, so it’s not a Fringe show but Arctic Monkeys we heart you! As they unwrap their third album, Humbug, they sent us an ickle pack of you guessed it, humbugs, and very yummy they were too. Look out for their album out Mon 24 Aug.
TAKE 5 Flyerers taking flight this Fringe
Lord Byron ‘Fame is the thirst of youth’, said Lord Byron, a sentiment exemplified nowhere so well as on the Royal Mile in August. This dashing young Byron told us that if we came to see his show today, he’d llet us call him by his Christian name. Oh George!
Corpus maximus A severe looking fellow in military uniform ordered us smartly to ‘move along there, move along now please,’ when we stopped to stare at the body sprawled across the pavement. The corpse herself was having a little trouble shifting flyers, but her less well-labelled assistants were doing a pretty good job. Get thee to a nunnery The award for friendliest flyerers on the Mile has to go to the lovely ladies from Always a Catholic. A bevy of gushing nuns wanders up and down beaming at the gorgeousness of everything and everyone in sight, while these sharply-dressed schoolgirls practice a slightly less staid version of religious observance.
Luscious lips Their burkhas are even bluer than the (uncharacteristically blue) sky, and each flyer has been individually kissed by someone with seriously luscious lips. Their flyering abilities were only slightly impeded by an (entirely understandable) susceptibility to the free fudge from Jim Garrahy’s Fudge Kitchen.
Brown paper bag You’d have to have a heart of stone to refuse a flyer from these bundles of fluff stuff. ‘Look! It’s me! Me!’ says the critter in brown, pointing at the picture. It is indeed her. We might be back later to ask for a hug and a paw- print autograph.
6 THE LIST FESTIVAL MAGAZINE 13–20 Aug 2009