Last time out. for no good reason. I said Charlie is coloured when I meant to say he is cultured. Sally says it‘s because I was talking about ghetto-blasters and leapfrogged but I‘m not convinced. But I wanted to start clean. Not that Charlie would be fussed. Having kissed the Blarney Stone he takes life at a dawdle. If the hooters announced the start of the nuclear winter in five minutes. he'd still try and tune in to Radio 2 to find out if he had a winner at Sandown. The Irish were on the agenda in the Kenilworth the other night since Bert's leaving Edinburgh for the new Waterstone‘s emporium in Dublin. I should have worn my ()‘Donoghue's tee-shirt. In ()‘Donoghue's come Saturday night four barmen do nothing but pour (iuinness while an ancient retainer. perched on a stool on the bar. passes the glasses over heads to the punters. Sometimes he asks for money but not always. In Ireland you can go three rounds before you‘re asked to stump up. It's tough ifyou hung back initially. After eleven (‘hernobyl suggested we should go to the (‘afe Royal to meet a one-legged swiller ofpints of plain. Not on the offchancc. you understand. but because he knew one would be there. I was for taking Shanks‘ pony but (‘herry (as friends at Sellafield know him) said he had the Popemobile and anyway he'd only had ten pints of Murphy‘s. At
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This week Alan Taylor discloses the joke that puts the X back into Filofax.
the top of l lanover Street two bobbies flagged us down. The chauffeur managed to get his seat-belt on and then rolled down the window. ‘What seems to be the trouble. officer‘." he inquired. as if he‘d been asked to make a contribution to a ﬂag day. I must say he sounded convincing. The constable looked as if butter has just melted in his mouth. ‘Do you usually travel at this time of night without headlights'." he asked. (‘herry who glows in the dark and who might therefore not need artificial illumination admitted with humility to having had an aberration and drove off. phewing audibly.
The funny thing is that (‘hernobyl seems to get more sober as the evening wears on. While all around are slackening ties and generally disporting in an unseemly manner.
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(‘herry stays starched. As he himself says. he never takes his jacket off before midnight. even if he decides to have an early night. I can con firm this. And in the wee sma' hours there‘s no one better on the Schleswig-I lolstein question. Ilis knowledge of things you don‘t need to know is encyclopaedic and sure enough it was he who knew the quote from a (‘aryl ('hurchhill play on Filofaxes. l was telling him how l.i/ Lochhead and I had caught each other red-handed at the l’ilofax counter in the shop that‘s never
knowingly undersold. (I would never
have the courage to point out they were even ill knew they were. ) We both couldn't understand why everyone knocks them. Somehow folk think that to be seen with a Filofax is like joining the .‘yloonies. Mind you. there are those who give
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.I-‘ilofax and a clitoris have in
them a bad name. I mean those twits
who boast about the thickness of their fax as ifthat meant something significant. like being in MENSA. For most of us though they simply give the illusion oforganisation. I heard about one girl who was given one and suddenly her life was transformed. [Everything went into it; l’olos. credit cards. addresses. maps of the London underground. ('onrad Wilson's restaurant hit list. sis-holed condoms. You name if. she'd punched holes in it. She took it with her when she went away for the weekend but forgot to pack knickers. Say no more.
Anyway to get back to (‘aryl (‘hurchhill. l was telling l.i/. apropos nothing in particular. about someone who is doing a thesis on him. ‘('aryl (‘hurchhill's my hero'. she said. ‘I)o you know what he said about I’ilolax.‘ I didn't so she told me. In polite company later that night I was pressed to repeat it. I declined. Cherry. however. had fich i it away for future reference and I
before I couldch to him with the carbolic out it spewed. ‘\\‘hat does a
common” ‘What does a liilolas and ; a clitoris have in common." chimed the crowd. ‘livery silly cunt has one.’
Parents who read this column to hyperactive children in the hope that it “i” help them IO nod Ullslltillltl skip this passage.
The List 2-1 July — () August 47