; Sheena McDonald jumps out ofthc swimming pool and

finds herselfin a new square . ..

l swim a lot. [hi told it'sa stress-reducing ' non-competitive . anaerobic activity. ideally suited to not-desperately-sporty spinsters with hectic but irregular schedules. You know— ito balls itiy‘olyed. . . Far less (watch it. sonny ) what you need to hit them with. A calm and calming method ol‘cony incitig yoursell‘that you're staying oil the depredations and depreciation of time.

()h really '.’ llei'e's news —- not when you're lane—swimiiiiiig. matey. Oh no. ‘I hen it becomes a competitiy‘e sport. guaranteed to tertilise misanthropy on a grand scale. Here's why.

[choose the slow lane. Slow swimmers are cony'entional ~ they moyc in a clockwise direction tip and down the watery metres. liast swiminersaretinconyetttional on two counts; they sw im w iddershins and. like the well-tuned machines they are. they sw itn w itlt manners sw tl‘t. sleek. conlitletit. they slice through the choppy title like ()ly mpie seals. 'l'hey hayc nothing to proy e. and so consistently proye their superiority. licce y ictor.

Swim with manners

Not so when you‘re sltiw . Slow is not calm. Slow is. like Alice‘s mouse. commotion. \\'hat characterises slow swimmers is not theit'comitton conyetitioiial ineligibility tor the jetset sheer glistctiitig llll'l'tlyk' ol' the last latte it is their iiidiy idual cony iction that they ‘ie better than the next tlirashei‘.

Slow '.’ Mc'.’ ()h w ell. sure. this week - you know thought I’d ease tip a bit shouldn‘t be here really unlair on the less experienced after all. I don’t haye to be clockw isc ——l (‘Ull/(l turn on the turbo any time I fancied. know what I mean'.’

Yes. I know what you mean. Yoti mean: it you try to oyertake me because you think I’m making less progress than an Austin AJll that‘s been sittingoti bricks in the cltickcd-shcd since 195‘). I will not only put on that burst ol'spced which makes your collision with the oncoming purple rinse inevitable. I will also boot you sayagely cti passaiit w itli my wooden leg.

'l‘haiik you. sir - we haw met belore yes. on the MS w hoops.

w e'rc hitting a theme-w arp here? Abort! Abottl . . . and Alice jumped out ot the sw imming~pool and l'ound herselt'on a new square . . .

’lilie ( Vii/curable BiLin/Titl'llt‘hy (if

Bonkng seen it yet'.’ Prague Spring. my Austin A4tl! ('mitt'ssioiis ofa Vill(l()it'-(TWUH’I’ II. more like. No. come oil. it Hollywood ain't stupid. Thirty years ago they were called ‘European lilms' boy. what those guys got away w ith! At't-t'ilms? So let's keep the arty accents. darlink shoot it in France and Norw ay‘ —- cheaper anyway pull in some of the popular old numbers. like the (inc-mm; number when the tanks roll in ~- yeah. yeah -- give it the grainy new sreel treatment? and the political integrity shot but make sure that ('ommie looks I't’tl/leit/y ! —- and we're rey'iy iitg intellectual- erotica all the way to the bank! (‘hildreni’ Are you kidding. l'or chrissake‘.’ this lilm is about sex. Mac -~ well. okay. okay it you w ant the goddam moy ic to hay e heart as well as passion (cht‘issakel. make it animals. right'.’ A dog and a pig'.’ Su're pigs are the yuppie pet. titan btit don't oy'erdo it ~ this picture's a three-Kleenex job already know what I mean'.’ \Vhaddya mean. the actors won't do the nude sceties‘.’ 'Iilimt' bits which bits. Mac'.’ Aw shoot - phone ('entral ( ‘asting and we'llgolorthecut-ins yeah.yeah bigoncs. . . .‘ylm I like it - oh boy. can old Syen make art look like a seyen-letter word or is it the other way around'.’ .\'o. smartass. Kuridcra w as m)! the HUN] I was thinking all. Hey. hey man ~— what are you doitig'.’ (‘ut that out? You know ldon't like to do this sttlll' with the lights ()lli You do'.’ With the lights on'.’ With your ow n w il'e'.’ \Vithout Syett in the room'.’ Boy oh boy - are you cyei' dirty. Mac? (dirty mac dirty mac dirty mac. . .)

A dog and a pie

[tarry one ot'themcan explain it - said Alice l'll giy'e him sixpeiice. Idon't beliey e there‘s an atom ot' meaning in it.

llthere’s no meaning iii it - said the King that saves a world ol' trouble. you know . as we needn't try to lind any.

\‘y'ho cares loryuu said Alice - You‘re nothing but a pack ol‘cads?

At this the whole pack rose tip and catne flying down upon her; she gave a little scream. halt‘ot lright and ball ot anger. and tried to beat them oil. and found hcrsell‘ lying on the bank. with her head in the lap ol' her sister.

Wake tip. Alice dear? said her sister. Why. what a long sleep you’ye bad! And here’s that nice Rey crend [)odgson coming back from the cinema -- look! He’s got his camera with him! I think he wants to take yourphotograph . . .

2Tb:- rm} .‘:‘(.‘.<‘t:;‘t disk—‘—


‘The pointis. Ladies and Gentlemen. thatgreed. lor lack ola betterword. is good. Greed is right. Greed works. . .‘

Nowadays when Oscar- winning Michael Douglas stands up inlrontola crowd. you keep expecting himtoturn into Gekko. Asit happens Douglas'srecent London press conlerence was prelaced by a giant- sizedlilm clip olthelamous Wall Streetshareholders' scene. leaving the actor himselllo explain thatno. he didn't agree withthe ‘Greed is good” speech. but he did love the way itwas written. ‘In the Eighties we seem to deline ourselves as to ournet worth ratherthan oursellworth. Forthe pictureto work. Gekko has to be truly Satan. which means not necessarily snot running out ol his nose. but someonelairlyseductive.’

The star's mastery ol the role came notwithout dillicutty. Director Oliver Stone decided thatlor Douglasto gettruly intolhe part. the atmosphere on set shouldn't be too cosy. ‘Most directors are like lathers and tend totreatactorslike children. but Oliver choseto be combative. . .Theiirsl two weeks were truly rather rocky and l was venting a lot olmy insecurities on Oliver. It took me a while to realise that it was in partto help my perlormance. Oliverwasn‘t alraidlormeto addressthe angerand hostilitylhat Gekko had. to himsell. as he stood overthe camera. We can laugh about it now.‘

Douglas knew he'd cracked it when. altera complicated scene with Charlie Sheen ina limousine. Stone advised him to look atthe ‘dailies‘. the roughlilm olwhatwas shotthat day. Filled with trepidation at being required to do something he never usually did. Douglas watchedthem and reported back. ‘I told him lthought they were pretty good. He said ‘They are. aren'tthey.‘ andlrom then on itwas joylul . . .‘ Butthereat conlirmation came when his lather. Kirk. rang up alter seeingthe picture torthe lirsttime. with the tribute: “Alter live minutes I target it was you and I wasjust

watching the character.‘

GUEST 'itsr

It was 'detinitely mybest part to date.‘ says Douglas junior. but that hasn‘t dulled his ambition torthe luture. ‘l'd like to do atougii action picture as opposed to the lightertype ol romance.‘ So no more sequelsto Romancing The Stone? Fans lookinglor more romantic roleslrorn Douglas may take comlort in his admission that heis ‘comlortable with women' and enjoys doing love scenes: ‘lt's a physical release. just like action in a lilm.‘ he says.


‘Unprecedented revival at British art. . . particularly outside London.‘ 80 say the organisers ola special week at visual arts coverage on BBC1 and 2irom Sun 22-Fri 27 May. It all hinges onthe otliciat opening by the Prince ol Wales olthe Tate Gallery. Liverpool which will be broadcast live throughoutTue 24 May. Respondingvigorouslyto the increased interest and activity in Scotland. the weekwill locus ontour Scottish artists who have made an impression onthe Eighties—painters Gwen Hardie (Fri 27 May.


7.30pm). Stephen Conroy (Wed 25 May. 7.45pm). Ken

i Currie (Tue 24 May. 7.30pm)and

photographer/sculptor Datum Colvin (Thurs 26 May. 7.30pm). Introductions will be dealt by an artist at an earlier but equally energetic generation. John Byrne ol

Tutti Frutti lame. It is a prestigiousslotlorScottish

art. lurther strengthened every evening with a 10-minute peek at sculptor David Mach at work on an installation atBBC

j Television Centre in

London. Back issues ol Radio Times. a BBC van and TVmonitors will all gointo whathe calls ‘nota negative sculpture' showing the ‘dangerous energy' oltelevision and media.

Other items inthe week includelive programmes on British sculptors Antony Gormey. Bill Woodrow. Alison Wilding. Richard Wentworth and Anish Kapoor. a series at discussions chaired by Sandy Nairne and an extended version at Review which will drop in on adminstrators. artists and critics around the country.

(Alice Bain)