I Look after yoursell in superior West lind aeeommodation. Suitable for ( iarden l"e~stiy';i| or similar. l-‘ully equipped. (iood value. Non-smokers only.

Tel: (MI 357 277(1.

I Working lemale wanted to share lly'ndland lilat. ()w n room. £l3(lpem. Please phone 04] 334 491‘). alter (ipm.


I Male student (22) seekssingle or double aeeommodation in [Edinburgh lrom September. Rel-ereneesayailable. l’hone BarrylMl 332 Mon.

I Person wanted to share large flat in New-ington with two others. from September lst. £135 per month. “3] («$4105 evenings.

I Central llat one bedroom. ground floor ay ailable tor two weeks during Izdinburgh

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I Budding aCIOTseek‘s employment in theatre in order

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assistant stage manager. anything eonsidered. Reply to Ian I lughes. le T loweraigs ('ourt. (‘lydebank. (iSl III. I Artists male model ;i\ ailable lor portraits. seulptures. photographie work. (ienume replies please. l’hone HFI boS 1135.

I Sell employment. ( iraduate with eommereial experienee eonsidering independent employment wants toeontaet others lor possible opportunities. l’hone (late on ll.‘~l 447-124(l.



I Children'stheatre company seeks: lll’l eompany member. Ill 1 .ulministrator tpertormanee abililty ). Autumn Tour. (CV. . photo. S..v\.li.. Sarah ( ‘ook‘. 34a Morningside l’ark. Iidinburgh. lil l lll5l l.'\ (13] 4.1"‘)ll_‘s.1_

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l l

The man who is tired ol Iidinburgh ought to spend more time in bed. This. admittedly. not entirely original pensee oeeurred to me in a yawning moment on a bus taking me back to St Andrews alter a week's parole. :\s it bow led along the B-roads til I'VllL‘. l l'ell lillttlly' asleep. slugged by the late ey ening sun filtering through the trees. In the seats behind me truants l'rom an Italian St ’l‘rinians. ladder-legged. Nero-nosed gringos with eappueeino

tans lounged and sang songs w hieh sounded so bad they must be in the Neopolitan 'l‘op’l'en. (iladly.l would haye led these lambruseos to the slaughter. But in truth I was too tired to giye a damn. I huddled up against the eool window trying to ignore the thigh ol a lat (‘anadian girl whieh pressed against me like a w et sand bag. She wore a \oluminotts Kagoule and a badge w hieh broadcast her one l'or Bowmore Distillery. Islay. But the mall must haye been a passing lantasy, Now she had the hots tor a Mars bar with w'hieh she perlormed lellatio until we reaehed (‘upar w here she gorged it like a ehimp eating a banana. It wasa moment ol' underwhelming erotieism.

I dug into my bag l‘or distraetion. passing oye r a hard-luieked .le l'lry' A reher in lay'otii' ol the Speelulor. '\\'orsthorne l lerpes Shoek‘ eaught my eye. flagged on the eoy'er in ketchup red. I turned to page sey'en

50 The List 5— l I August 1988



()n a moy'ing bus. Alan Taylor discovers a whole new meaning to the phrase edited highlights.

eager to diseoy er \\ llelliei' or llUl the editor ol the Sum/tn lt'lt'g'l'tl/l/I. onee

described by .-\uberon \\ augh as the greatest brain in Britain. had eaught

a dose. The headline was. I am almost sorry to say . a red herring. a

pieee ol'misehiel-making. In the diary \Vorsthorne told how hiswil'e

had been diagnosed. by 'an extremely dirty and ollensiye loreign doetor’ as sul’l'ering l'rom herpes

when in laet she had shingles. It was an unlortunate mistake. But iudging

by the prominenee he allot'de‘d the

story it was the most eseiting thing to happen to himand his wile all week. l lingered oy'er this long enouin to

5 find mysell reading another

paragraph by the same writer.

Apparently. .‘ylr \\'or'stlioi'iie has

been staying at hotels lately and has heard noises l'rom rooms adiaeent to his not unlike those whieh eats make when intent on loye-making. It has

kept him awake at nights. doubtless tossing and turning. and while he is eoneerned with building standards he wonders whether he has stumbled upon (albeit at seeond hand) yet another regrettable l'eature ol' modern lile. He asks it ‘this new human habit ol emitting \ ery‘ loud moans and groans as it in mortal agony is really absolutely indispensable to the task in hand'."

It is the ‘new' that intrigues me. Is it really new to grunt and moan w hen making one'.’ \Vithout wishing to be indisereet. in my seleet esperienee. eyeryone has something to say lot' themser es when the moment eomes. True. this rarely reaehes the heights ol' a Shakespeare sonnet. but culture is always w‘eleoine. eyen when one ean't eommit one's lull attention to it. More ol’ten howey er. what one hears is a eombination ol moans and groans. sometimes

muted. sometimes not. but I can't say ley'er lound it obieetionable. rather the opposite. Perhaps it sounds dil'lerent with a tumbler to the wall. But I haye no reason to belieye this is new . thouin it maybe in the grimaee and bear it soeiety whieh \Vorsthorne seems to orbit. II it is I led sorry lor him. He shall just has e to go on murmuring sweet nothings. thinkingol lingland and what he is missing.

Anita Brookner doesn't haye mueh

to say lot‘ hersell' in bed either but it is

the quiet types you haye got to wateh. She and l are getting along

line at the seaside and by the time the .

last tide ebbs she‘ll have nothing more to say to me about lrustrated spinsters with independent means. What melaneholy‘ worlds they inhabit with their solitary meals. indestruetable routines and empty" Sundays. Melaneholy . but intoxieating il' you are a reader. The moral ol‘a Brookner noyel is simple: W times out ol~ a hundred. the niee girl loses out to the bimbo (delined on the radio the other night as a slut with a good agent ). I know the world is supposed to loye a tart but this seems to me to be an unduly pessimistieoutlook. Surely there are diseriminating men who preler plain sensible women in flat shoes with unsullied library membership to dumb dolls in steeple heels. seamed stoekings and loin eloths. ‘Name ()ne.' says She Who Is Determined To I lane The Last \\'t)i‘tl.


t l