Their names have been linked in all the gossip columns. They emphatically

swear all rumours are false. So what is the precise nature of the relationship between Sir Les Patterson and Dame Edna Everage‘.’ As the red carpets are

dusted off in preparation for their dual appearance in Edinburgh. The List probes into The Truth: Sir Les confesses to Allan Hunter. while Dame Edna


The line from Dublin pulsates and. by the magic of Marconi. one is granted the rare honour. nay privilege, ofengaging in a bout of pleasurable social intercourse with almost legendary Sir Les Patterson.

An international statesman and debonair society entertainer. Sir Les is currently treading the boards with fellow Australian icon Dame Edna Everage in the touring extravaganza

Back With A Vengeance. a cultural milestone purveying wit and incisive comment to the sophistication- starved masses around the length and breadth of these British Isles.

Today however. the talk is ofthe silver screen and Sir Les‘s bid to become a veritable constellation of celluloid charisma in Les Patterson Saves the World. a glittering comic n ugget gleaned from the trough of Sir Les‘s many rich and varied personal experiences.

“This is a documentary,‘ he confirms. ‘It is based on a real incident and not fictional as many of the misleading press reports have stated. It‘s the hottest story in Australia, bigger than Spycatcher and you couldn‘t have filmed that because people would have gone to sleep. Three or four years ago there was an incident at the United Nations where I was talking about Australian culture. Cheese as a matter of fact which, let‘s face it. is a culture. I’d had a few drinks and apparently upset an important gulf state that was going to give Australia a multi-billion petro-dollar loan. So. I was sent to the gulfof Nivea which is quite a rich area because of a certain oil they produce. Anyway. there I was stuck in a place where booze was forbidden and I stumbled upon a treacherous biological warfare scheme. I shan‘t say much more than that or I‘ll give the plot away.‘

As with many leading figures. at the very hub of world events. Sir Les has been the victim of a scurrilous media campaign to stain his good name and portray him as some thoroughly disreputable alcoholic lecher. This film should allow him to counteract this trial by tabloid and the warm glow of some Irish coffee allows him to forego his customary modesty and elaborate on a side of Sir Les that has gone unrevealed until now.

‘The film shows me as a brave man. a man who is courageous and trustworthy and physical; a man of action. I do all my own stunts including falling backwards through revolving glass; you can get someone to wake you up at that bit because I know what you journos are like after

a few drinks at these previews. You know, many. many major stars

opens her heart to Andy Spinoza. A List True Story. possums.


play the President but frankly we thought the old fellow might snuffit before the film came out so we got a woman.‘

Despite the call of Hollywood and the possibility of becoming a bigger heartthrob than Mel Gibson, Sir Les pledges his coninued allegiance to a free flowing contact with a live

wanted to play me in this film Jack Nicholson, Dustin Hoffman. Robert De Niro. but I was the only one with the versatility to play myself.‘ Basking in Les‘s glory in the film is Joan Rivers who plays the American president. ‘That‘s the one piece of fiction. I did want Ronald Reagan to

audience. ‘You cannot keep me o the boards. I had hoped to prefect a new film process whereby tubes would gently spary the audience with saliva whilst I was on screen. We might call it Drool-o-Vision but it wasn‘t possible. However. I can achieve that effortlessly on stage. People have suggested that I get a vasectomy done on my saliva glands but when you‘re lecturing on cultural affairs and spilling your guts to journos like yourselfyou need to keep a lubricated larynx.‘

Back With A Vengeance has already visited Glasgow and is now Edinburgh bound. Touring around must be hell but there are a few creature comforts for a figure of Sir Les‘s eminence. ‘I am eternally grateful to the Australian tax-payer. a little known but well-loved philanthropist that allows me to speak to you today from this luxury penthouse suite in a swanky Dublin hotel. Also I hire a private secretary at each location. Typing skills are not important. Women like me because I‘m a cheerful man who knows how to appreciate the finer things in life. They know that after a long gruelling interview to assess their capabilities they won‘t leave my room empty handed. In fact they won‘t be empty handed whilst they‘re in the room. The colleens are lining up outside just now and the flower of Scottish womanhood are welcome to apply for a position under me.‘

Sadly. Lady Patterson is unable to accompany her husband on this trip however the other woman in his life. Dame Edna Everage, will be present in her full glory. Amazingly. there appears to be a major rift between the cultural ambassador and this simple suburban housewife who has blossomed into the multi-media megastar from Melbourne. ‘You know, she never speaks to me. She‘s not my type but she‘s more interested in men than you‘d think. She falls in love with some greaseball in the film and is a bit embarrassed about it. Her group of feminist friends, Possums For Peace. are going to picket the film because she claims it‘s offensive to every definition of the phrase good taste. However. we‘re looking forward to coming to your city for the real Edinburgh Festival and here‘s a little world exclusive for you; Dame Edna‘s going to be in the recording studio to do an album of party songs for Christmas including Leader of the Pack.‘

Having imparted this gobbit of information Sir Les is forced to turn his attentions back to state affairs and the flaxen haried collen who has wafted back into his bedroom ready for the next session of exhaustive dictation. Graciously sharing a glimpse of his lifestyle with millions of List readers Sir Les admits. ‘My mind comes up with new ideas every

day. It‘s like. well Allan, it‘s like a fine old Tasmanian Gorgonzola always on the move.‘ The mind, Sir Les, Dame Edna andprobably even the Gorgonzola are Back with a Vengeance at the Edinburgh Playhouse from 25—29 October. Les Patterson Saves The World opens across the country on 14 October.

G The List 14 - 27 October 1988