Rumours have been circulating and, in certain circles with which we are personally unacquainted, pulses have been quickening atthe thought of a host of young women getting up to some very strange things with T-shirts and buckets of water in Glasgow. Scottish

5 Television, we heard, had lined up an

all-woman film crew and what is sometimes referred to, by low~lite unenlightened types, as a bevy of

, beauties to film and take part in 1 respectively a Miss Wet T-shirt

contest. All this seemed rather unlikely, so we checked with Scottish Television and it appears that what really took place was simply a pilot for a new show based on a cildren's programme called Funhouse; lots of silliness and daft games very much in the manner of TisWas, only the people being silly, having custard poured over them etc were adults. Not even slightly smutty, we were assured. But what of these rumours, then? These were quickly traced to their source in a national newspaper which had reported Scottish Television’s supposed transgression in a tone of moral outrage, despite the fact that its own page three contains pictures of breasts which, though not damp, drookit or in any way affected by moisture, are naked.

.1\ new Iithnic librarian has been.

\ cry laudany . employed by Iidinburgh District (‘ouneiI Ilis tunction is to supply ethnic minority readers with material written in their mother tongtres. The library had. in theory. been fulfilling this long-felt need for a number of years. btrt when Mr Ahlluwalia. the new incumbent. look up his position he found that. instead of a wide range of general interest reading matter in (iujerati. Punjabi. Hindustani and so on. what had already been stocked w as a




-’l AS$EM3LY

-._' ' ‘23—: ' H

collection of volumes whose titles. when translated. included such thrilling and romantic delights as ‘A History of Soviet Economic Foreign Policy 1919-1929.‘

A scheming, devious, warped mind might detect a formidable counterpart in the midst of the Scottish Arts Council, though this would, surely, be reading tartoo much into what is really only one of those unfortunate occurrences which arise, if not every day, then every time somebody has to cough up large amounts of cash. The

Compass Gallery in Glasgow, celebrating its twentieth anniversary skipped along to the Scottish Arts Council, if not merrily and carefree and with a song upon its lips, then at least relatively so, for its annual 25,000 quid hand-out, only to be sacked in the lace with a large wet fish. Instead of the well deserved cash, there was waiting for it a promise that the moneys would be forthcoming provided that the gallery undertake a full-scale organisational restructuring process, installing a full-time director and board. The gallery, being proud and independent of spirit, refused to give such an undertaking, and instead started a petition asking the council to come off it and gie’s a break. It also sent out, rather successfully as it happens, appeals for private support, covenanted payments and indeed business sponsorship, just as Our Leader and her pals would have them do. The question is, is there, hidden deep within the bowels of the Scottish Arts Council, some Thatcherite Machiavelli who wanted to provoke the Compass Gallery into an enthusiastic search for business sponsorship; was it, in short, all some sort of dastardly plot? Probably not, but it makes you wonder.

()n 35 Februray the (‘ameo ('inema is showing a double bill which it is calling the ‘Ijlephant Lovers‘ Night Out .‘ The two films being shown: Dumbo and The [flap/rant Man. In fact. there is a legitimate reason for the coupling. as [)untlm is Elephant Man director David Lynch's favourite film. but the billing has provoked a rash of inventions of tasteless double bills in this office. For instance. under the heading ‘Night of Borborygmus‘ (look it up)

MA 0’0de m COMMON s



you could show (iune Will: The Wind


and Rumblefis/r. whilst a ‘I’ig I.overs' 5

Night Out might include A Private Function and the Swedish horror sleaze classic Spurn Dagger. Similar suggestions are invited from readers. and we’ll do our best to persuade the (‘ameo to show any which really come up to the mark.

Gerry Sadowitz is not the first to complain that, if you‘re a Scot and you want to get anywhere, you have to go down South, but he is quite possibly complaining the loudest at the moment. During his performance in the Gilded Balloon in Edinburgh last week he launched into a tirade on the failings of Scottish theatrical management which started when Sadowitz asked for assistance from a member of the audience with a card trick. The audience member who was picked turned out to be Dougie Duncan MacLean, late of the now sadly defunct Merry Mac Fun Co. Informing the rest of the audience of the identity of this star in their midst, Sadowitz generously paid tribute MacLean's comic ability, saying ‘You are Iunny‘, or words to that


Publisher RUIHII I lodge. Editors Nigel Billen.Sarah i IIemming. Associate Editor Allan I Iunter.

effect. ‘Very funny. Bloody funny, really tucking tunny., ‘Yes,' came the reply, ‘that‘s why I‘m working as a janitor tor Edinburgh District Council.‘

In the pursuit of culture, as is always the case in this office, one of our

} numbertoddled along to the National

Gallery recently for a look at the Turner Watercolours, the delicate paintings exhibited only in January on account of

i the weakness of the light. The place . was crowded and, feeling a little

weary, our colleague gently lowered her nether regionstowards one ofthe many comfortable-looking red chairs in the vicinity. Barely, however, had her knees bent when she was buttonholed by one of the commissionnaires, who

informed herthat ‘These chairs are not j for sitting on madam.‘ What, then, is

Stuart Rarkcr. Andy (‘rablx ( ‘oIin Stev en. Open Sarah I lemming. Radio Alan Brown. ROCK (Edinburgh) Alastair Mabbolt. ROCK (Glasgow)

theirpurpose? They are forkeepingthe public away from the pictures. But surely, chairs are more than a touch ambiguous when thus employed. Why not go for plain, straightforward old barbed wire, a moat or a snake pit. Just as smart and less liableto cause confusion.


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