morning papers and croissants, but the music can be a bit obtrusive. £2.20 for coffee. croissant and orange juice.

I Blanco's 13 Hope . Street. 226 2047. Mon—Sat 9am. Papers. copious cafetiere coffee and croissants, in the West End. Coffee and croissant £1.40.

I Henderson’s Salad Table 94 Hanover Street. 225 2131 . Mon—Sat 8am: Sun 9am. Fruit salad and yoghurt. muesli. or just a croissant with your coffee. Papers. £1 .90 for fruit salad and yoghurt plus coffee.

I Vittoria 113 Brunswick Street. 556 6171. Mon—Sat 10am; Sun noon. Italian-run cafe. serving the usual permutations of bacon. eggs. black pudding. sausages. tomatoes. mushrooms and proper Italian coffee. £2.50 for bacon. eggs. tomatoes and a cup of coffee.

I Nastluks 155 Bruntsfield Place. 229 7054. Mon—Sat 8am; Sun 10am. Cosmopolitan cafe in the middle of a delicatessen. Muesli. croissants. coffee and freshly-squeezed orange juice to consume whilst catching up on the news in French. Italian. German. Russian etc. Coffee and croissant £1.05.

I Frullmarket Gallery Cafe 29 Market Street. 225 2383. Mon-Sat 10am; Sun 1.30pm. Now in the same imaginative hands as Negociants (see below). this cafe-in-a-gallery offers filter. cafetiere or espresso coffee. croissants. pain au chocolat and a variety of home baking for breakfast.

I City Art Centre Market Street. 225 2424. Mon—Sat 9.15am. Cappuccino coffee and croissants. hot scones and other home baking. served by agreeable Americans. Coffee and croissant 75p.


I Cafe Royal Oyster Bar 17a West Register Street. 556-1124. 12.30—2pm. Set brunch of bucks fizz. blueberry muffins. croissants. choice of main courses— including such things as steak. eggs benedict and ‘omelette Key Largo' dessert and unlimited coffee. all for £10. Another buck‘s fizz will dispel any guilt.

I City Cafe 19 Blair Street. 2200125. Noon—3pm. Set brunch of fruit juice. toast and marmalade . tea or coffee and a choice of main courses— for example. chicken Waldorf salad. bacon and eggs for £3.95. Stylish


Forget any other Festival Guides. written by people who know Edinburgh about as well as medieval fishermen knew Peking. Shocker! brings you the definitive one.

WHERE TO EAT? Larry‘s Lunchette (Nicolson Street). The Drummond Cafe (Drummond Street). The Three Coins (Tollcross) and . . .er that‘s it. At any ofthese establishments a plate of food as heavily laden as an Edward Bond metaphor will cost you around £1.50. Any other eating establishment will be recommended in a ‘Festival Guide' and is likely to be taken over by a Fringe group indulging in a ‘performance lunch‘.

WHERE TO DRINK? Anywhere that's open and serves beer. Never mind all the froth about beers that contain pieces of Belgian fruit or whose hops have been thrice-trampled by druids during a full moon. a pint of heavy is good enough to do the job. However the creamiest nectar can be found at the Fiddlers Arms (Grassmarket). Clark‘s Bar (Dundas Street) and The Blue Blazer (Spittal Street) amongst others- all safe havens from the Festival. where the only impromptu

readings you will encounter will be from the pages ofthe Pink Final. WHERE TO SHOP? The Stockbridge sector which is as well-stocked with second hand shops as Oliver Reed‘s drinks cabinet is with spirits. or

(.‘ockburn Street. off the Royal Mile.

which has more boutiques than Elizabeth Taylorhas wedding photographs. However the pride of them all is ofcourse What Everyone Wants (Nicolson Street). Rightly called ‘the Harrods of the North‘ it has the advantage over its Knightsbridge rival ofbeing open later. A salient point to note about Edinburgh is that shops take up only one side of the main street. so beware which side of the thoroughfare you choose before trying to make a purchase. If you‘re still in need ofassistance then perhaps I could interest you in some genuine Edinburgh Rock. a mere snip at £25 per pound.

WHERE TO STAY? In a campsite outwith the city. in order that you are not ambushed by a pack of Festivalites begging you to see their show, before you have even made it to breakfast in the morning.

WHERE NOT TO STAY? Put. Stay put for too long and you are likely to be covered in posters from over-enthusiastic Fringe groups. WHAT TO SEE? The inside of a bar. any football match. and now that the Moderator of the Church of Scotland


has called for ‘poets and artists to speak of simple things to us‘ watch out for him. clad in jeans and a T-shirt. heckling cabaret shows and clapping along at National Youth Music Theatre productions. WHO TO AVOID? Steer clear of any group of two or more on a bench in case it turns out to be an ‘inter-active installation‘ around which they are about to perform complex ritual dancing. Shun anyone trying to tell you their life story in mime - to the accompaniment of a backing tape of industrial noise. Watch out for ‘cultural cowboys‘ who believe that by financing the transportation ofa couple of shows they can re-create the entire atmosphere of the Fringe in Dullsville Arizona. (in fact the reverse is true). Also to be given a wide body swerve. are people wearing beads and offering a show that allows you to tap into cosmic time. anyone wearing a bow tie at 10 o‘clock in the morning and anyone with a chip on their shoulder about the Festival. WHAT NOT TO SEE? The Tattoo. about as truly Scottish as a Haggisburger with cheese. Also Shocker has tried to persuade some venues to fly a yellow flag or toll a bell mournfully to warn passers by of a chronic outbreak of bad cabaret so far. however. very few have played ball. If by mistake you happen on such a venue by no means venture in but do leave some food at the entrance. Amongst the Lemons in this lime. sorry line. are: The Bronte Brothers, Edward the Deckchair. A Table Called Vernon and Hi-Tech Henry’s Luncheon Cabaret and many more. LATE NIGHT TRANSPORT? Find a group oftourists. persuade them that they are going your way and then hail acab. r .

j x.

54The List 25— 31 August 1989