I HOLD this Scott, I'm just going out tor a short walk, I may be sometime. Amundsen, Scott and Oates pictured here during a rare meeting at Base Camp downing a lew pints and bragging abooutthelr huskles. Gillies Mackinnon's acclaimed lilm Conquest ot the South Pole, shot on the kind oi budgetthat makes a shoestring look lat, will be at the Glagow Film Theatre 14-17 March and Edinburgh Filmhouse 9 March. See Film Index page 18.

I CHRIST that's ma toe missus! Shut up you're on stage now sonny. Lorraine Ashbourne and Peter Llndlord meet ln She Stoops To Conquer. The Royal Exchange Theatre's version oi the restoration comedy (about a lady overcoming her back trouble) will be at the King's Theatre Edlnburgh,12-17 March, :1» Theatre Listings page



It was bitterly cold . outside. Come to think of it, it wisnae exactly Death Valley inside either. Fighting against the frost, and delirious on a cocktail oflozenges and Lemsip, The List staffers pounded their freezing mitts on their keyboards. ‘Give us the Shortlist, give us the Shortlist,’ they chanted, until one ofthem choked on a Hawick Ball. So here it is, the Shortlist.

‘Oooh Nora don‘t look!‘

‘What is it Egbert'?‘

‘Aargh it‘s horrible! It‘s the Naked Man from "Shaver’s Weekly". followed by a horde of revellers.‘

Such will be the scene when the nextMagical Mystery Tour organised by the “Shaver‘s Weekly“ crew hits Blackpool on 24 March. They‘ve asked us to point out that a mere £20 gets you an ‘18-c0urse’ breakfast. free drink there and back and, best of all, ‘a full day in a high-risk snog situation‘. The coach leaves at 9am and will return later, much later. Tickets are available from the Pelican Bar in Edinburgh‘s bovine spongiform encephalitis region, better known as the mad-Cow'gate.

Just where does the Palace Theatre. Kilmarnock, think it is? On 24 March, a group called The Mimics appear there and, according to the theatre's publicity, ‘though they are patently Scottish you don‘t have to be an interpreter to hang on their every word‘! Presumably the Palace Theatre believes that the local population speak in tongues or are by some horrific stroke of fate unable to understand their own language communicating with each other by grunts and gesture. Perhaps the theatre have not yet recovered from having a local named John Lennon compere their Provost’s Charity Night on 2 March. Imagine the consternation of Paul, George and Ringo when they find that he’d hoodwinked them, and all these years had been alive and well and living in Kilmarnock. reputed to be the town with the lowest IQ in the country. Ofcoursc, if the Palace Theatre's linguistic theory is to be believed, the Scouser would have

found it to be a near perfect hide-out.

ll you've been to Club Sandlno and tell like taking a pew you’ll be pleased to know at last they’ve provided one. Unlortunately, it's at the Glasgow Film Theatre. Said seat will commemorate Archbishop Oscar Romero, so-named alter a radio-code, who was murdered in El Salvador in 1980. As it by magic, the GFT will be screening a new lilm, ‘Romero’, on 19 March at 6.15pm, to mark the tenth anniversary at his murder. Meanwhile, a perplexing discrepancy has come to light: the majority ot seats sponsored so iar in their soon-to-be-open second cinema have got male name tags on them. Apparently, even the ones with female names on the brass plates are presents lrom admirers. So what's the deal? ls sponsoring a seat some sort oi macho pursuit akin to pumping iron or downing a dozen pints ot lager? Hopelully, something will be done by Jo-sephine Public to rectify the situation, otherwise the premiere screening at the new cinema may be marred by Rambo types kicking popcorn into one another’s laces.

The Edinburgh Festival Fringe. having lost the sponsorship of BP. are offering the opportunity ofa lifetime to prospective backers: for £17,000. you can get your name on the Fringegoer‘s bible. Around a quarter of a million programmes will be printed and distributed in an effort to keep the swarms ofpunters off our streets and in obscure church balls during the summer. Talking of spare cash. ifyou‘ye got a few quid lying around. the Scottish Publishers‘ Association and Edinburgh Book Festival are looking for £6().()()(l to assist them in their ambitious move to the old Dundee Street Library.

As it recent reports by Her Majesty’s Inspectorate ior Schools were not damning enough, lurther prool that the country is going to the dogs comes lrom a sales rep tor a certain publisher. While in a branch at W.H. Smith recently, he was going through list s at re-lssued books with the manager. Coming to Edward Gibbon's celebrated “The Decline and Fall oi the Roman Empire', the rep suggested that the shop should really keep a couple oi copies ot this seminal work in stock. ‘What’s it about?’ the manager asked. Uniazed by this inability to realise that the clue was in the title, the rep replied; ‘It’s a sequel to “The Decline and Fall

oi the Glasgow Empire .

Now that the British Art Show is spluttering towards its demise, Julian Spalding. Director of Glasgow City Art Galleries. has responded with his very own well-hung show: Glasgow‘s Great British Art Exhibition. Not the snappicst of titles. you may be thinking. And you‘d be right. Staffai the McLellan Galleries have already taken the liberty of re-naming it: Spalding’s Revenge.

The List 9— 22 March 19903