All Greek to us
Re last issue‘s letters page:
l.'I‘he travails of the unfortunate Ms Breedie. who informs us she ‘studied Ted Hughes at university". are not really very interesting. and certainly do not merit the space allotted to them. Why. there isn‘t even an honest gripe at ScotRail or the Festivals Unit in 400 words!
2. By nostretch ofthe imagination can I bring myselfto believe that your second correspondent goes by the name of ‘(irimshaw Wattle‘ in his diurnal dealings. Pseudonymism is the lowliest branch of cowardice. and should be discouraged in your pages.
3. The current ubiquity ofStuart (‘osgrove is. I must concede. grieving. But your fourth correspondent should rest assured that. like Mu (iray‘s. it will not last. Eventually. however. I fear the fellow will win a grudging respect from his countrymen and women. In the meantime. List. no more pin-ups thanks. 4. The dog in Moira Nicol‘s attractive graphic for the page appears to have sticking plaster attached to its bottom. It wasn’t
there in issue 1 1*). What ghastliness can you be suggesting?
5. I'nder no circumstances should you rid yourselves of the turbulent Bennie. He is without question the most talented scribe to contribute to your rag. and certainly the wittiest. Beware. lest he take his talents elsewhere. What kind ofsalary can you offer him?
Euripides McKechnie (NB not a pseudonym for David M. Bennie) (‘oates (iardens
A great big huge one, is the answer to your last question. Regarding the poor dog, Moira Nicolprobably tampered with it after watching Brazil on television-the other week. And as for Thea Breedie’s 400-word letter: yes, normally we would have cut it back a bit, but unless more people like you write in with short, amusing letters we just have to print what we get.
' \ \HV%\bﬂEDQCXD
The best letter next issue will win a Jose Cuervo tequila T-shirt. Letters, which may be edited for publication. should be sent to The List. Old Athenaeum Theatre,
179 Buchanan Street. Glasgow GI 2JZ. or 14 High Street. Edinburgh. EH 1 lTE not later than Friday 8 June.
Bennie: the backlash
Re the recent spate ofperipatetic bile in the letters from ‘Bennie the Bawl‘. I hope they will soon dry up. It‘s so easy to be negative. isn‘t it‘.’ I‘ve never come across a more obvious nihilistic misanthrope in over 20 years of impersonating members of the psychiatric profession. I boarded the 22.03 Euston nightrider (the ‘red-eye
speeial‘) with my copy of The List unread. and opening the mag at the back page his latest Eumenidesian epistle hit me straight between my
Gay in the Sunday Post would put it.
say anything at all.‘
4.55am and it's no longer completely dark outside. . . Dawn is just over the horizon. . . What station is this? I look over the shoulder of my haggard reﬂection — Carstairs. As in State Mental Hospital for the Criminally Insane.
‘I believe this is your stop. sir. . . '
They‘re coming to take me away. Ha-bloody-ha.
‘These gentlemen in the white coats will help you on with your jacket. sir. . .‘
‘It‘s a bit tight fitting under the arms. . . Hey. how am I supposed to write any more letters with this on — with my teeth using a green felt-tip pen?‘
Roses are red. Violets are blue,
I 'm a schizophrenic, And so am 1.
Damn. a fly has alighted on my hand. Norman. don‘t you dare swat it! No. mother. I hope they're watching. because that will prove
LUNCH — 12—2.30pm EVENINGS — 6—11pm (last orders 10.30pm)
1C3, amchor“ close
EDINBLJPIGH 226 5149
Big Smoke-irritated eyes. As Francis
‘Ifyou can't say anything good. don‘t
what kind ofperson I am. Why. I wouldn‘t even harm a
ﬂy. . .
Benny W. Davida
Being something ofa fan of'l'heatre dc (‘omplicitc’n I was extremely chuffed to find a preview of "I'erra Amata'. I did think the item was a bit short. but I suppose I‘m just biased. Thanks all the same.
As I was leafing through the last ish. my beady wee eyes dropped casually onto the letters page. ‘Lo and behold!‘ exclaimed I in a mock tragic tone. What was it I beheld? Well may you ask. It was another instalment in the exciting life of ‘Bennie the Bawl‘. Much as I enjoy Mr Bennie‘s ribald little witticisms and the regular novelettes he sends you. I do think it‘s getting a little tedious. don‘t you? Yes. I know that he‘s quite entertaining. but really. you shouldn‘t encourage the man by sending him all those Jose (‘uervo freebies. And please. dear God please. don‘t offer him a place as a columnist.
The first Bennie correspondence was amusing: the second brought a smile to my face; the third was just going a bit too far. You‘ve got nobody to blame but yourselves. But if there‘s still a vacancy ofguest
. columnist to be filled. I know
someone not too far away who‘s more than willingto fill it . .. Alasdair Sheard
No chance mate. Once a philosopher, twice a pervert. as Voltaire so aptly said. David M. Bennie 's latest
ra Vin gs can be found in the books pages 0 fth is issue.
Please releith me
I was interested to note that a new play. The Lightning Plebiscite. rehashes the old sob story about the people of Leith being forced to merge with ‘their gentrified neighbours‘ in Edinburgh. Gentrified? Was it just Corstorphine they were being asked to merge with or was it the whole town, including its less salubrious parts? In any case. had the people of Edinburgh been consulted. I doubt ifthey would have agreed to a merger with a bunch of inbred fishwives and Hibs supporters. thus leaving the lamentable Leithers in less than splendid isolation.
Winner of the prize for the best letter this issue, a Jose Cuervo slammer glass.
92 The List 1—14June1990
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