r:— l MODELLING the lamous ‘Crusader’ bikini-cum -chastlty belt, is one olthe cast of Tectonic Plates, a theatrical extravaganza from Canada based on the movement olthe earth's surface. which makeslhe ambitious Ship project look like an episode of On The Riverbank. See Theatre Preview page 57.

I TURTLES’ hell soup with pizza. to go (ASAP). Teenage Mutant Marketing Brats-fortunes in a hall-shell - prepare lorthe big Christmas push. when no granny will be able to resist the lure olthe greenbacks. Something should be done- hey. sounds like a job lorthe Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. See Feature page and Film Index page 23.



Damn, this coffee is bad. Five episodes in, and I am convinced I know who writes the Shortlist. Unfortunately, I’m under contract for another 218 episodes so I can’t possibly reveal the truth yet.

THE INDEPENDENT certainly has its finger on the pulse of this nation. Recently a wearied staff reporter phoned our bustling Edinburgh office in search of some information. Only too glad to be of help to our younger cousins, we supplied the required, until that is. they started getting weird. After we had passed on the phone numbers of some nightclubs in Glasgow and Edinburgh their staffer tentatively inquired: ‘And. er, Calton Hill what’s that?‘

Pause . . .

‘Er, that‘s a hill.‘

‘Oh, and the Meadows?‘

‘That’s a park.‘

‘Oh, right, and Arthur‘s Seat?‘ ‘That‘s a hill too.‘

‘Oh, that would explain it.‘

Explain what? Why they had failed their cub scout basic map-reading badge? No, it explained why Directory Enquiries in London had been unable to give them a phone number for these places.

NEVER one to let over-exposure bother him. Scotland's own Naked Man is to release a calendar— featuring himself— in 60different exposures. The ‘ideal Christmas present’, produced by Melting Blob Of Ice Cream publishers. records the results of his bare-faced check in a dozen British cities. A successon of birthday-suit poses takes him from an evangelical march in Bath to the front door of the Sarie Heed. Strangely. few ofthe passers-by seem to take much notice of his upfront nudity. Life has not always been thus for the young exhibitionist. According to his unofficial biography ‘20 Things You Didn‘t Know About The Naked Man'. he wore underpants until the age ofseventeen. when a top Harley - Street specialist handed him an ultimatum: give them up or die. in six months.

Speaking from his winter retreat in

, Perpignon he commented ‘l‘ve been without slacks and a seasonal

hairstyle for years now. This sudden i increase in funding is going to make ; my international travels a lot more

i interesting.‘ For naked ambition

I burns within and he is determined to r ‘bum‘ around Europe next year to create a 1992 Single European Market Commemorative Calendar. featuring all twelve capitals of the

member states. So far. his only

brushes with the law have been brief affairs— in Paris and London. Both times he had to go undercover. Revealing his plans for the future 21 Naked Man spokesman has suggested that our clothesless friend may soon stand for Parliament. if

they waive the dress restrictions. On the spokesman‘s advice we apologised to the Naked Man for putting him in the Shortlist.

LINDI ST CLAIR. aka Miss Whiplash. the chiefwhip ofher own Corrective Party (99 votes at the Knowlsey South by-election) has finally lost all moral credibility and moved into the record industry. Together with her election agent. Paul Hofner. she has formed Whip-Aid and released an EP to swell her fighting fund with which she hopes to take on the Inland Revenue at the European Court Of Human Rights. She and her party will contest that the Government has no right to try and tax her immoral earnings as ‘one of Britain's leading dominatrixes‘. The EP: Blue Angel is out now on Fine Tune records and The Corrective Party can be contacted on 0898 769661.

ONE PAPER that has no need ofa Gulfeorrespondent is the (‘raigmillar Festival News. Why go to the Middle East when it can come to you? In a world exclusive last week the paper broke the news that top US general Robert B. Johnson had lived in the area. er. until 1955. According to his uncle ‘Young Bobby was fitba‘ daft and is a Hearts supporter.’ Let‘s hope this doesn't get back to his troops Hearts‘ away form has been less than impressive this season.

The List 23 November— 6 December 19903