I DECONSTRUCTION can bea painful business. as the Tottering Bipeds seem to have found out. Their physical interpretation of tonesco'sabsurdistdrama. Chairs. will be at Edinburgh's Traverse Theatre 29 Jan—2 Feb.

With the Our Tune music drowning out the weeping in the background. the time had come to say goodbye to the Shortlist. Slumped over his keyboard a tired and emotional hack pulled himselfup for one last effort . .. but it was no use. he was full alr ‘ady just have to get on and write the Shortlist then.

DANCER in Feet First. walk~out shocker! The 'I'rayerse's Spring Dance season (Feet First) will now be one dancer short of a troupe. after an unnamed terpsichorean decided he couldn’t take the uncertainty of a life on stage any more. So he joined the army. Well. at least he knows where he‘s going with them. especially if it's sandy underfoot.

()N the subject of dance. the first cuckoo (waltz) ofs’pring has been spotted. For despite the best efforts of the UN it now looks as though this year's Euroyision Song (‘ontest will go ahead. The contest. set up specifically for the bland and the infirm. will soon be upon its and British blandsmen and women are invited to try their luck by an adyert that appeared recently in The Stage newspaper. ‘Wanted: anyone who can dance soft-rock .‘ 'l'housands of eardigan-carrying young fogeys are expected to reply. but iust how do you danCe soft-rock'.’ Answerson the back of any Brotherhood of Man single to Lee ()‘Say'erc o The/.181.

Ai'viii R the demise of /‘/1<'()/).s<'rt'¢'r Sent/(1nd it was iney‘itabl': that some of their articles from here would read as though filed in a foreign country. l’oorold Patrick Barclay must haye drawn a short straw when he w as sent up to ( ilasgow' to report on the lack of progress at l’arkhead. Instead of his usual insightful commentary on the game and its workings. the piece read more like a trayel feature. with Barclay gleaning bitsof info from the taxi driver and security baggage-handlers at the airport. Is this really the way ahead for The ()hs‘cri'er‘s coye rage of one of Britain's great tearns‘.’ No wonder (‘eltic are feeling left out in the cold.

HAVE any ofour readers noticed the remarkable similarity between the chief make-up man on

.N’eig/z/murs and the famous Ayrshire author responsible for the recent macho-movie hit The Big Man? Strangely. both go by the name of William Mellyanney. (‘ould they by any chance be related‘.’ And have any of our other readers wondered what had become of the bookish big man recently"? Ramsey Street on a bright January morning: ‘Right loves that

was super. oh Willy we need a couple of black eyes over here. if you‘d be .so kind‘."

(iRAMl’lAN 'l'\' have brought the nation another first. Announcing that they were to screen wrestling bouts again. (ieorge Mitchell the company's managing director. claimed that ller Maj' the Queen was a keen grappling fan. Apparently she made the mistake of confiding to Richard (‘rossman (he of the big diaries) that she thought it ‘tremendous fun'. (Although she did not make it clear whether she meant participating or iust spectating). Anyhow . thanks to(irampian. wheney e r she finds he rslf up in Balmoral she will be able to tune in along with grappling fans throughout Scotland (Scottish are screening the boots too). Perhaps this is w here her youngest son‘s theatrical talents could take him‘.’ In the meantime. watch out for a string ofawards to wrestlers in the next Honours list.

BR()Al).\fl.\'l)lil)as ey'er. we hardly batted an eyelid when we receiy ed new s that the erotica actress director(andida Royalle was coming to Scotland soon. Photographopportunitiesand intery iew possibilities were touted and the letter ends charmingly with a big pink lip-stick kiss lust below the name of the PR person responsible w ho. rather strangely . signs himself Andrew Raymond. If these really are the imprint of his lips then (‘andida may well be preparing to rip

his eyes out.

The List 35 January -- 7 February WW 3