Remaining oblivious to the siren-like calls of assorted _ Finns, Serbs, Moroccans and comely types from i Burton-on-Trent, the Shortlist writer remains chained to the desk, another victim of the ruthless Listpindown

~ AS A POSTSCRIPT to the recent ; Billy Graham visit. a possibly

; apocryphal story reaches us i concerning the man’s miraculous

.5 : powers.Apparently,\’i/hilc

I WHATA SUBPBISElor Weepy Weed when Bill and Ben brought three chums along to the garden and lormed indie band Flowered Up. You can take your watering can along to gigs at King Tut's. Glasgow and the Venue. Edinburgh. But stay all the Baby Bio. talks. See Bock Listings. page 40.

I WHY DOES a red cow give white milk when it only eats green grass? This and other crucialconundrums otthe food chain will be up tor consideration at the Royal Highland Show. to be held as always at lngiiston. Thurs 20—Sun 23. See Open Listings. page 68.

\ i reconnoitring venues for his Scottish

' Mission, the great evangelist‘s representative came to Parkhead (aka Paradise) to discuss terms with the directors. The meeting opened with a quiet prayer, and Celtic subsequently went thirteen games unbeaten, which, considering their form over the rest ofthe season. did seem to suggest divine intervention ; ofsome sort. Now that the other

Billy (McNeill) has been cast out into a .. I the wilderness for forty days and i forty nights (or until he gets offered a

job with Partick Thistle), perhaps

j Graham would be the man to replace him. His ‘saves‘ have been somewhat

more impressive than Pat Bonner‘s I oflate.

DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH department. The organisers ofthe annual Seven Hills of Edinburgh race had the temerity to suggest we might like to enter a team in the gruelling 14 mile uphill and down dale race on Sunday 23 June. Seeing

as few ofour staff are under 15 stone.

and the only exercise we get is

sending out for more pics, we have to

decline. lfyou are made ofsterner stuffcontactTISO‘s. 13 Wellington Place, Leith. but bear in mind that the final run-in to the finishing line entails slogging up Calton Hill.

IT‘S A DOG'S LIFE being a. er. dog

nowadays. There‘s nowhere to hide from the Houndfinder General. Kenneth Baker, who seems hellbent on punishing the poor things just because they occasionally leave someone looking like they just received a visit from Hannibal Lecter. Not even being a thespian pooch guarantees immunity it seems. One troupe of American pit-bulls, amusingly known as Crufts On Acid are currently awaiting their fate at Dover quarantine centre. They were bound for the Edinburgh Fringe where they were scheduled for street performances ( !) as a leg (ouch) oftheir European tour. Rumours that they would be performing with the naked Joey

Mantoni are unfounded but certainly

bringa teartothc eye.

policy, churning out the usual innuendoes . . .

AS IF THE POOR KID didn‘t have enough to worry about. Hearts chairman Wallace Mercer sent the afflicted Prince William a Hearts

strip to cheer him up after the recent

operation on his skull. Reading between the lines, we have our suspicions that the child's brain may have been removed in a simple operation and Mercer is secretly nurturing him to replace uncompromising centre-half Dave MacPherson. A similar thing was apparently tried with Prince Andrew but seriously backfired.

GETTING HIS SIDE of the story in first was Magnus Linklater. sounding off in the Scotsman about ‘The Hitler Diaries: my part in the downfall'. No doubt Magnus isn‘t looking forward to seeing the new series Selling Hitler in which he appears (portrayed by the unfortunately-named Tristram Jellinek). Never mind Magnus, it's all in the past now, and you’re still in business. whereas others like the editors of Stern and The Sunday Times haven't worked since. In case he‘s interested we have several volumes of Saddam Hussein‘s Gulf War Sex Diary with a letter from the Butcher himselfconfirming they are kosher. Shall we talk prices'.’

NO MEAN (.‘I'I'Y. that seminal piece of literature about Glasgow (which featured several other kinds ofbodily fluid as well) is still very much libru mm gram in the city‘s Council circles. A plan to honour writer Alexander McArthur (who in an extreme example oflife imitating art killed himselfby drinking disinfectant on the banks ofthe Clyde in 1947) with a plaque or statue or some such has been blocked by civic authorities. Councillor Pat Lally was quoted as saying ‘McArthur did neither Glasgow nor the Gorbals any favours. We won't be honouring him. For too long we were stigmatised by its image. but I'm glad to say that of recent years the distortions have faded.‘ Yes it is indeed comforting that the city now has such upmarket ambassadors as Taggart and Rab C. Nesliii‘.’

The List l-l— 37Julie Will 3