Back on the dancelloor

Re Graham ‘Disco Biscuit‘ Vincent‘s letter (The List 150). Thank you for the toilet paper. I would like to know what the phrase ‘fundamentalist headbanger‘ means. The mind boggles, will we be overrun with ‘fundamentalist rappers‘. ‘fundamentalist Minogue-ites‘ and ‘fundamentalist folkies‘? Please get to the point. Mr Biscuit. some of us would appreciate an explanation.

Despite your venom. Robert Fields letter makes a valid point attendances at live music events are poor but thank you for reminding us we are free to spend our money as we please. enjoy your karaoke. schmuck!

Robert Fields has been known in Glasgow as a promoter of hard rock and heavy metal gigs. l‘ll wager his comments were aimed at the ‘fundamentalist headbanger‘ community. Incidentally. ‘denim and leather uniforms‘ died out in favour of jogging pants. Faith No More/Chilli Peppers/ KLF/Extreme/Living Colour T-shirts and over-priced baseball boots about two years ago. lfyou are going to insult a group of people Mr Biscuit. at least have the decency to get your facts right!

Moreover. the statement. ‘it‘s doubly insulting to read someone taking such a lofty moral tone when his income is his prime concern,‘ is a cloud. Mr Fields letter was not ‘a defence ofworking musicians‘ but a defence ofworking promoters. and anyone who sits back to watch their livelihood going down the drain without protest needs help. Perhaps Mr Biscuit would like to enlighten mere mortals like Robert Fields as to how ‘he and other promoters‘ can ‘inject the piss-poor. run of the mill gig with a little imagination and excitement‘. Biscuit throws around a lot of flak but makes no constructive suggestions. There‘s no doubt Robert Fields and his ilk will be the first to take heed of Mr Biscuit‘s superior ideas the thought did occur to some of us that perhaps Mr Biscuit himselfis a member ofa ‘piss-poor. run of the mill‘ band who can‘t get gigging. Sour grapes. peutétre‘?

Carmine Blades Thornwood Avenue Thornwood Glasgow

Congratulations, you win this week '5

bottle ofJose Cuervo Tequila.


' é'o 'u‘

French letter

Isn‘t it about time we called an end to the mass con-trick pulled by film critics? Like art reviewers. who only

92The List28June—llJulyl99l

Write to The List, Old Athenaeum Theatre, 179 Buchanan Street, Glasgow G1 2] Z, or 14 High Street, Edinburgh EH1 1TE. The best letter next issue will win a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila.

keep their jobs by writing reviews that are usually meaningless collections of abstract phrases and thus fool editors into thinking they

must be profound, film critics praise

films that are of no consequence to anybody except themselves and the self-indulgent directors. and thus

preserve their mystique ofbeing ‘art‘

and above the common herd.

You‘ve guessed it. I‘ve just been to

see Truffaut‘s supposedly timeless

i work ofgeniusJu/es EtJim. What

complete garbage. Like so many French films (my gorge still rises at

the memory of Betty Blue) it revolves l

around a central female character who is basically a complete pain in the arse. and would be laughed off the screen by anyone with half a braincell. The rest ofthe film has a ludicrous plot, stilted dialogue and huge expanses ofmind-numbing boredom. ‘That‘s intentional.‘ say the smart-aleck cinephiles. Maybe. but the ultimate effect is that of watching a first-year film student‘s experiments with Mogadon. Maybe we should be a bit more

honest about the general emptiness.

shoddiness and tedium of much that is acclaimed as being ‘classic"? I for one find film critics (and The List is no exception) have a disturbing tendency to write to impress other members oftheir elite fraternity rather than the popcorn-munching paying customer. This is a Bad Thing. albeit a rather cunning form ofself-preservation.

Stefan Egborks

Sandyhills Road


; l l l



Shettleston sicko

In the early light of a Shettleston dawn this is what my single end looks like: over the Valor Variflame 3-bar electric fire hangs an Emilio Coia. It is a 6in x 4in portrait. mostly done in muted. unidentifiable colours and suggests a hernia truss impaled by an overcooked McKellar Watt steak sausage. the background an effluent-soiled straw mattress. The whole thing is framed in mock bird‘s-eye maple ogee moulding by Fastklip of Korea. The mixed media painting is on 8()gsm gloss art Ultrawhite by Bogies ofCarluke and appeared in Scottish Field‘s ‘My City‘ series as a caricature of Sir Alexander Gibson. The painting overhangs a long two-sealer. khaki polyfoam-filled ‘put-yoo-up‘ by Dossers of Yoker. A 11) watt. single channel Ferguson ‘Music Maker‘ portable hi-fi. with built-in 3-knob volume. bass and treble combination fascia controls plus high definition on/offeffects system rests on a stressed mahogany compoboard shelfrack unit by Leckie of Burnside. A Strathclyde roadworks department hazard lamp is placed in each corner of the room.

The maitre d‘ at Burger King had hooted with derisory laughter when I‘d tried to book for two. but I‘d managed to get us one of the better tables in Dunkin‘ Donuts and was weighing up whether to have the ‘nut with aragula and Govan goat‘s cheese or the Macbrioche. Tracee. her hard body outlined by her WhatEvery‘s violet and emerald

Gazza shellsuit. was telling me how Colin Barr had once almost said hello to her when she had nearly got into the Tunnel. I was wearing my brown polyester button-down shirt from Concept Man. Dees of Trongate maroon French flares and my Rangers scarfwith the Souness autograph, a daring touch of iconoclasm: the Bluenose Weekly having strongly advised against this colourway. I had spent all day in William Hill avoiding the sunshine. and my grey pallor had never looked more finely tuned. My head was buzzing with the Vim and baby laxative l‘d snorted earlier. and l was idly pondering which atrocities to inflict on her later. Currently in favour was post-coital geriatric chip-and-curry sauce eating. and wiping my cock on her curtains. TI. and Marnie


Gordon Street


Well that’s Bret Easton Ellis nicely stitched-up. Would any of our readers like to join in .9 How about ‘Silence Of The Doner Kebab ', or ‘The Bonfire Of The Family Credit Claim Forms. We await your replies with bated letter-box.


Is it child pornography. or am I falling for a gag against the over-zealous right-on?

I need someone to explain an advert which is plastered across plenty of Edinburgh‘s bus shelters. It appears to show a pre-pubescent girl who is topless. clutching her arms to her chest defensively. Her vulnerable position is offset by a

I defiant. red-rimmed stare. and a small tattoo on her arm. The poster

comes with the logo "The Eye of the Beholder‘.

What the hell does it mean? My guess is that it is either advertising

; against child abuse; or in favour of

some hair conditioner.

Moray Coulter

Merchiston Avenue Edinburgh

A sad tad

I notice that the Grassmarket Project‘s follow-up to their acclaimed Glad is a show entitled Bad. Do I scent the beginnings ofa formula here? Perhaps the next one will be set in a mental institution and called Mad‘.’ Or be about a fat rock group called Tad. Then there‘s the one about the hippy living in a flat called Pad. Or the upper-class villain Cad. A father ofleftish inclination could be Rad Dad. and the tale ofa wealthy young man working in the advertising industry could be Ad Lad Had Wad. Anyway. do I get the tequila or what?

Gary Nelson

Brighton Street


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