I ‘That‘s a nasty shaving rash you‘ve gotthere. maybe you should change your brand of gel.‘ This and - other beauty tips are ottered by Tetsuo. a newJapanese sci-ti/horrortilm. See Film index. page 22.

I ‘Harpistwere you last night?‘ isastandard morning greeting in the List ottices. Fiona Davidson is probablyted up with such whimsy. She‘ll be plucking her stuff at the Festival at Myth and Legend. And why not? See Openlistings.

page 69.



Doctor David ‘Call me Dave’ Andropopoulos‘s contraceptive vapour rub is the generous sponsor ofthis week’s Shortlist. Dave’s exciting product slogan: ‘Slap

on the Rub and stay out of the club! is available from selected outlets (mostly car-boot sales and the kind of

market where you don’t need a trader‘s license).

Anyway here, courtesy of Dave, are the usual selection of lies, half-truths and innuendos.


Scottish And Proud Of It

That was your catchphrase.

‘Sod off Souness‘

Was a clever headline.

But nobody knew what

Wadoofah meant.

And so you went bust.

Keith‘s mum liked you.

but nobody else did.

EJ. McThribb (141/2 [circulation])

[RN BRU. SCOTLAND‘S best-known hangover cure. er make that soft drink. has run into a spot of bother with its latest TV advertisement. Continuing their cheeky policy ofsatirising American firms‘ rival ads. the makers ofthe orangey fizzy stuff‘s new commercial have employed a ‘pop star‘ to prance around and confess that Irn Bru paid him cash to 'thrust our erogenous

i zoncs'. This startling revelation has

not gone down well in some circles. with Mary Whitehouse saying she was ‘horrified‘. while the Catholic Church (hitherto major consumers of the beverage despite its colour) says ‘We take a very dim view of this remark‘. Apparently the ‘Have a Vimto and get shagged' ad has been put on ice for the interim. In the meantime. Irn Bru‘s other advertising landmark. the clock above Glasgow Central station. has been taken down after a dispute about site ownership. For tired and emotional travellers trying to find their way to Central from Queen Street after dark. this will be a bitter loss.

IT‘S BACK BY POPULAR demand. Yes. it‘s the Zenya Hamada corner. The Edinburgh Festival‘s favourite millionaire Japanese impressario has done it again. This time he‘s sacked the cast of his latest production (The Atom Bomb. the nature and venue of which escapes us at the moment) with only two weeks left to opening. Apparently. in flagrant flouting of Japanese convention. they were showing too much animation. ie.

they occasionally blinked. or gave a hint ofinfiection to their lines. And great lines they were too. from the excerpts that have been smuggled out to us here. Rumour tells us that Hamada's script could have all the power and incisiveness of When Did You Last See Your Trousers. The lack of a cast could cause the ‘genius‘ some problems. considering their names have already been extensively publicised throughout the Scottish media (and on a fleet ofbuses). The newly-redundant actors are finding it even harder to conceal their emotions now. seeing as they were paid a hefty wad ofcash up front. Several broad grins have already beenspoued.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR a suitable recipient for a series of begging letters. a trawl of Edinburgh University students might prove profitable. A shock survey (aren‘t they all?) revealed that some of the students were coiningit. thanksto : ' healthy supplements from generous parents. ()ne lucky chap was getting a whacking £12()()() a year tax-free on ; top ofhis basic grant. ()ne of the V researchers thought that the decimal point might have been misplaced in some ofthe larger figures. but maybe thay"ve cottoned on to the reason why Edinburgh‘s pubs are always packed with students. They‘re the only people who can still afford a pint ofStella.

WOULD YOU LIKE '10 see your product tastefully inserted into the copy in this section ofthe magazine? Your problems are over. as indeed they would be ifyou used Dave's contraceptive rub. Simply put details ofyour bid (cash or commodities) in an envelope and send it to the Shortlist writer care of the usual address. Depending on how much you offer. glowing references to your product can be included in the usual Shortlist copy. L’nlikc other advertising media we recognise no boundaries such as good taste or

I honesty.

The List loluly A S August WW 3