Leaner, meaner and fitter, Son of Shortlist gets into shape for 1992 with innuendos without Added Fat. just bare exaggeration, and rumour with no artificial extras.

CHRISTMAS IN TV press offices is obvioust a tough time. reducing even the most efficient and businesslike Press Officer to a gibbering wreck. This manifests

itself in different ways. The Channel

4 team sent out photographs of themselves wearing party hats and trying to look cheerful. sports man Steve Pinder managing only to resemble a serial killer identikit snap. The BBC decided to resort to rewriting the ‘Jingle Bells‘ carol to include all their festive musical selections. viz:

Dashing through the plans.

Simple Minds and Pet Shop Boys. ()pera fans ean sing along

To Pavarotti and Domingo 's noise.

Excruciating isn‘t it‘.’ Roll on Easter.

WHO Wll .I. BUY the Daily Record and Sunday Mail in the wake of the Maxwell wreckage sell-off'.’ The betting in The List Towers runs as follows: the ghost of Robert Maxwell (operating through a shadowy Israeli cartel front organisation) 5/4 favourite. Edinburgh magazine of Naked Man notoriety Shaver's Weekly 3-1. United Scottish Mince Producers b-l. Showbiz Satn (‘ls Michael Jackson a Largs man'.") 20-1. David Murray l00-l.

WHOEVL-‘R THE NEW proprietor might be. it is to be hoped that the


Record's subs' desk will be taken to task for their shameless purloining of our witty ‘Scrum Like It Hot‘ headline. It appeared above our Rugby World (‘up preview back in l the autumn. but the Record revived i it fora recent rugger story. Mind you I

they did come up with the classic ‘Beam Me Up Ducky" to head a story about Star 'l‘rek's gay following. This was an incisive story that opened with the revelation that ‘(‘aptain Kirk’s starship could soon be renatned The Beater-prise . . .‘ and went on to reveal that William Shatner once woke tip under the impression that he was (‘aptain Kirk and only realised he wasn‘t when he went to the bathroom. We wonder what convinced him otherwise . . .

RICKY ROSS of Deacon Blue semi—fame has laid his allegiances on the line with an obscure Christmas release. ‘Proud To Be An Arab‘ is a plaintive little ditty about Ross's addiction to Dundee United Football ('lub whom he‘s followed through thin and. er. thin. It's available on cassette only from the United fanzine The Final Hurdle with proceeds going to a 'l‘ayside children‘s charity. Should United ever win a (‘up Final at Hampden. perhaps Ross will compose a whole album. If he‘s alive to see it. that is.

The Bit That‘s Just Not Funny looks at those arcane Hogmanay traditions taking place throughout Scotland on December 31.

Cross-dressing in Montrosc

The Montrose Swap In an obscure historical reconstruction the entire population of Montrosc spends Hogmanay cross-dressing. Anti all the rest of the year. come to think of it . . . Shameful.

The Dundee Jamboree In a spirit of wild abandon. one citizen is chosen to represent the New Year. That privileged person is allowed to have a good time in Dundee for three hours only before everything returns to grim reality.

The Kilrnarnoclt Granny Shaving In which a group of merrymakers kidnap a sleeping pensioner. feed

I her large quantities of supermarket

whisky and shaye her from head to

toe. This is a tradition that stretches back to l9b’b w hen a gang of surly lads did a whole street before being apprehended by the constabulary.

. The Arbroath Herring Snogging ()n the stroke of midnight. every citi'len of the sleepy little hamlet of Arbroath grabs holtl of a nearby herring and shows it a good time. Tongues are

not compulsory but are encouraged. The Denny Pie The gritty inhabitants

of the lawless community in ('entral

region bake an enormous steak pie.

using fourteen tons of crude industrial lard and radioactive artificially- retrieved meat products.

This is then deep-fried and

consumed in a ritual ceremony.

The Scottish Hogmanay A large part

of the population across the land lays

in 144 crates of lager. seventeen vats

2 of crude whisky. settles down to

3 watch a dodgy old comedian on TV.

l dances to corny fiddle music. at

l midnight kisses assorted strangers

5 regardless of their degree of personal hygiene. and completes the night by throwing up down a close. The first three days of the New Year remain a complete blank. (Cut out the last one. it's just too preposterous lid)


Scottish Opera's 1991 production of Wagner's Die Walkiire.

I Scottish Opera: In an effort to control a deficit of £675,000. Scottish Opera has cancelled at new production of Wagner‘s Tristan and Isolde scheduled for May 1992 and may have to drop Aberdeen and Edinburgh from its touring schedule altogether. A plan outlining revised funding had been presented to the Arts Council of Great Britain in October in order to compensate the company for its English performances Scottish Opera gets {H.500 for each performance in England compared to £40,000 for the Welsh National Opera. The Arts Council rejected the call for additional funding of £800,000, instead giving an award of £50,000. At a press conference earlier this month. SO's Managing Director Richard Jarman said: ‘The irony of the situation is that as a result of this continuing untlerfunding. it is our activities as a national company in Scotland that will suffer . . . All this because Scotland is being asked to subsidise performances in England.‘

' I European Arts Festival: John Drummond. former director of the

Edinburgh International Festival and presently (‘ontroller of BBC Radio 3. is to become Director of the

Iiuropean Arts Festival. a

nationwide series of events to celebrate the UK’s presidency of the European Community for 1 July to

: 3l December l992. Working with a

budget of £6 million. Drummond‘s

brief is to use the Festival to

showcase British talent in all the major art fortns. to encourage local involvement and to build on cultural exchanges through towns twinned with those in other EC member states. The six-month-long Festival will culminate in events in Edinburgh during December to

: coincide with the European Council


meeting which is due to be held in the


I Glasgow Health Campaign: While chocolate and crisps are regular features in the diet of the average

Glaswegian 15 to 25-year-old, 20 per cent eat green vegetables less than once a week. This is only one of the eye-opening statistics reeled off by Glasgow Health BOard at the start of a media campaign that will concentrate its efforts on the eating and exercise habits of the city’s youth. Currently, lifestyle factors such as smoking, bad diet and alcohol account for one in six deaths in the board‘s catchment area. This initiative. which will come into full force in the spring, will include a blitz on media advertising in newspapers and, for the first time, on television, and will be the initial phase of an ongoing commitment by the board to fund health promotion activities.

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Edinburgh Old Town: A £20 million scheme to promote the historic heart of Edinburgh as a tourist, economic and residential centre was announced this week by Lord James Douglas-Hamilton, Scottish minister for the environment. The Edinburgh Old Town Renewal Trust plans to maintain the area’s

character while developing its

business potential. As well as playing a part in major redevelopment projects such as the proposed renovation of Waverley Station, the Trust will tackle problems of unemployment and homelessness within the area. True to its aims, the Trust itself is based in a 15th century ' tenement block in Advocates Close. I GFT Cate/Bar: Patrons of the Glasgow Film Theatre will be able to enjoy a quick drink or a bite to eat on the premises when a new cafe/bar adjacent to the second cinema opens in 1992. The bar complex is the second major stage of the GET Development Project and has received financial support from Becks, who were particularly interested in the proposed use of the bar area for small scale photographic and art exhibitions. Since I985 Becks have sponsored several contemporary arts events. including the Richard Long exhibition at the Hayward Gallery in London and performances by Theatre de Complicite and DVS. The cafe/bar is due to open in early February.

I Women Onto Work: Women Onto Work. an Edinburgh District Council initiative which aims to assist women living in the city back into the labour market or into further education. is holding a course for women with disabilities. starting on Mon 20 Jan and running for twelve consecutive weeks. three days a week from 10am—4pm. Further information from Sheila McWhirter or Barbara Howie on 03]

l 220 6855.

The List 20 December 1991 16 January 1992 5