I Cross Of Fire ( BB(‘l )9.3o— I lpm.

mini-series thingies set in ‘the tttrbulent

IThe Garden (Channel 4) Ill-l 1.40pm. Derek Jarman's strange. would-be subversive film links images of natural beauty with the ominous presence of Dungeness nuclear power station looming in the background as Jarman tends his garden.

I NB Festival Cinema (Scottish) llHSpm—l 1 . lllpm. Allan (‘ampbell previews the best of the films from this year‘s Edinburgh Film Festival.

I Edinburgh Nights (BBQ)

ll.lS—l 1.55pm. (‘ontroversial and ‘difficult' (ierrnan film director Ilans Jtirgen Syberbcrg talks to Pat Kane about his work. which deals with questionsof (ierman identity and the more awkward aspects of its heritage. Also featured are Theatre For Africa. filmed on location in the bush where they have been studying animal movements for their latest production.


I My Dead Dad (Channel 4 ) H-8.3tlprn. The fifth part ofJohn McKay‘s supernatural sitcom finds Iick (Forbes Masson ) finally getting a date with Jools (Debra (iillett). but how does he explain away the spook relation'.’

I Citizen Smith (BBCI ) H-S.3(lpttt. (‘lassic sitcom revolutionary Wolfic Smith returns in John Sullivan‘s sublime 7(ls show.

I Hollywood Greats: Last Train From Gun Hill (Channel 4) 830-» 10.20pm. Anthony Quinn stars as a tough cattle baron who clashes with L'S marshall Kirk Douglas who accuses Quinn‘s son of raping and murdering an Indian woman.

I Floyd 0n Spain: The Basque Country (BBCZ) 8.309an The liquid loving gastronaut heads off to San Sebastian to cook rabbit and red peppers for a rather fierce bunch of motlstachiocd Basques.

Romance. murder. revenge and the Ku Klux Klan. Sounds like a party I went to recently. In fact it's one ofthose

les'. John I leard playscharismatic Klansman Steve Stephenson. who has been given the responsibility ofincreasing the Klan‘s presence in Indiana. Part two


I Hollywood Greats: Michael Caine-

~ Breaking The Mould ((‘hannel 4)

1020-1 1.30pm. ()ur Mike rerninisces

. about his career in the business with help

f from fellow hams Roger Moore. Bob 1 Hoskins. Ben Kingsley and Angie

i l


5.5(l—6pm. Potential cult in the making

l IThe BunburyTails (Channel 4) here in a new animated series about a

team ofstrectwise sport-addicted rabbits who travel the world playingfootball. cricket and baseball and fighting evil powers in their spare time.

I Star Trek: The Man Trap ( BBL‘Z) 6—6.50pm. William Shatner at the controls of the Enterprise battles against an invisible alien creature who is systematically killing off his crew one by one. Bummer.

I Green Pages (Scottish) 6.3(l—7pm. The series devoted to opportunities for improving the environment. locally and globally. Presented by Pat ()‘Mahoney. Shauna Ilawthorne. Stephen Fulton and Gary Rimmer.

I Hostage (Scottish) 9—lllpm.

10.40—1 1.30pm. Carol Burnett and (‘arrie Hamilton star in a compelling thriller about a woman who escapes from prison while awaiting trial and takes a lonely widow hostage. In this tense situation a strange bond grows between the women. I Coast Of Dreams (Channel 4) 9— 10pm. A repeat showing for the documentary focusing on the real Iz'ldorado. following , couples who leave Britain for the Spanish

coast to make a new life that doesn‘t

always come up to expectations.

I (bits of) iosie (Channel 4)

10.30—1 l . 15pm. Just in case you were lucky enough to miss her show first time round. (‘hannel 4 have chopped up bitsof the Josie Lawrence series and recycled them.

I Moio Working ((‘hannel 4)

l 1.05—1 1 .45pm. Classic footage of the Rolling Stones at their peak in the lateotls.

I Edinburgh Hights (BB(‘2)

11.15—1 1 .55pm. Festival highlights featuring obsessive and erotic photography from (‘lerambault. and an interview with Edinburgh-born conductor Donald Runnicles.


I PS And Gs (BBC2) 8.3(l—9pm. The latest vehicle for the limited talents ofTony Slattery. Captains Lesley Joseph and Jonathan Meades are joined by designers Bruce Oldfield and Lady Tryon. and art dealers Gerry Farrel and Angela Flowers. I Me, You And Him (Scottish) 8.3(l—9pm. Punt. Dennis and the otherone in the domestic sitcom.

t I The Travel Show (BBCZ ) 9—9.3(lpm.

= PcnnyJunorandintrepidtraveller

Matthew Collins present the consumers‘ i holiday show. which includes a report

from Paddy Haycocks in Bulgaria. home of cheap wine and cheap holidays.

IMen Talk: Women Bite Back((‘hannel4) I 10.15—1 lpm. RichardJobson hoststhe

final discussion of the series. Just fora change. five women are invited into the studio to take issue with some ofthc attitudes revealed in the previous programme.

I NB (Scottish) 10.40—1 l . lllpm. Bryan Burnett and Janice Forsyth preview the Edinburgh International Festival.

I ElAmorBru10(ChanneI-t) llpm—12.55am. (‘arlos Saura‘s acclaimed version of Manuel De Falla‘s music. dance and theatre piece. featuring copious amounts of spectacular flamenco.

I First Beels (Scottish) ll.l(l—l 1.40pm. Janice Forsyth presents the last ofthree

' programmes showcasing work from young

filmmakers who have received financial assistance from Scottish Television and

j the Scottish Film (‘ouncil. I Edinburgh Nights ( 8862)

1 I . lS-l 1.55pm. A special programme on veteran American film director Sam

Fuller. At 80 he estimates there are at

least another 30 films he would like to make. For 40 minutes he sets out to

entertain with hisideasand his reminiscences.

I Colin Young (Scottish)

11.4(lpm— I2. lllam. A celebration ofthe contribution made by the founder~director of the National Film And Television School who retires this year after 22 years in the job.

August is the cruellest month for TV, the time of year when you‘re struggling to find anything remotely substantial, and have to rely on crumbs of inanity for sustenance. Moments like Reporting Scotland‘s Hazel Irvine saying ‘there‘s still a long way to go in the soccer season‘. No kidding Haze, I thought they all packed up come September. My favourite 90-second vision-slice at the moment though is the godlike if gormless Gazza, cropping up every half-hour on Channel 4 to plug their Italian soccer coverage. ‘Gcrra pizza the action,‘ grins Paul. whose diction has gone right downhill since he moved to Rome. ‘and yer divvent need a dish fer this one. . .‘ (or something like that. Teletext subtitles not being available for ads). It‘s a brilliant two fingers to Sky who paid the national debt for the rights to lacklustre English games. while Channel 4 picked up the rights to the Italian League for a packet of dry-roasted, relatively speaking. Apparently there are some people out there who don‘t really care too much about what soccer coverage they get. but personally speaking. I‘ll have Michael Grade‘s babies any time he asks. ' Apologies to the strange man upstairs who lays out these pages. but design is a refuge ofcharlatans is it not? It also seems to exert a peculiar fascination for TV features

‘I had hopes that this policy reflected a general BBC directive to be more upfront about the presenters’ less appealing attributes. I had visions of Noel’s House Party being renamed Patronising Bearded Git In A Crap Cardigan orThat’s Lile becoming Appalling Buck-Toothed Harridan And Her Gang 0t Nancy Boys. No such luck.’

executives who have run out of ideas for programmes. First we had Small Objects ()fDesire. then it was Signs Of The Times and now we have Europe By Design (BBCt ). Signs Of The Times was the real culprit. homing in on the smug. snobbish Independent-reader audience. who could sneer gleefully at other people‘s lack oftaste.

Europe By Design is presented by


Tom Vernon. I‘ve got plenty oftime for the somewhat obese Tom. because his previous programmes have always cheerfully acknowledged his girth in the title. viz Fat Man On A Bicycle and Fat Man In A rgentina etc. I had hopes that this policy reflected a general BBC directive to be more upfront about the presenters‘ less appealing attributes. I had visions ofNoel's House Party being renamed Patronising Bearded Git In A Crap Cardigan or That's Life becoming A ppalling Buck- Toolhed Harridan And Her Gang ()fNancy Boys. No suchluck.

Vernon is fatter than ever on Europe By Design. only this time he doesn‘t really get away with it. Jetting around Europe looking at daft buildings just doesn‘t have the human touch which is his forte. He is reduced to talking complete nonsense masquerading as whimsy. ‘Scandinavians are like Christopher Robin in Winnie The Pooh.‘ he suggests. They aren‘t Tom and you know it. The producer just thought you could get away with that sort of bollocks because the only people who might watch this stuff. the lmlependenr readers. are all on holiday in Provence or Tuscany. and their videos have been happily nicked by local burglars.

If you have absolutely no conception ofwhat the Royal Family is or where it came from. then The Monarchy (Scottish) could just conceivably prove enlightening. although I doubt it. It‘s pitched at a level of intelligence that would have the average eight-year-old yawning after ten minutes. In hushed tones we were told ‘history shows the monarchy has experienced greater crises in the past.‘ Yep. I suppose having your head Iopped off (Charles I). or going insane (George III) is slightly more irritating than being photographed in a bikini.

The Monarchy did however introduce us to a star in the making one David Cannadine. a historian. This excitable man has obviously had his life shaped by being two letters away from being a Hollywood star and playing Grasshopper in Kung Fu. He chopped the air with his wrists as he delivered his dull

theories on the future ofthe Windsors. ‘I‘m not really this boring.‘ he seemed to be trying to tell us. but he was. (Tom Lappin)

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