I Budgets: Economic Community £45 billion annually. Edinburgh Summit —£6.4 million for two days.

I Holyrood House: The Summit takes place in the Palace of Holyrood. the site ofmany political events. It was there that Mary Queen ofScots‘ Italian secretary and chief adviser David Rizzio was murdered after entering into a political pact with various nobles. Euro backstabbing. medieval style.

I Press: Meadowbank Sports Centre has been transformed into a media centre for the 2500 members ofthe press who are expected to receive accreditation. It now has 700 work stations. 65 television suites. 10 radio suites and 500 telephone lines.

I Catering: Local firm Wheatsheaf will feed around 500 dignitaries at Holyrood. but have been firmly told by the Foreign Office not to make it a tartan ‘n‘ haggis affair. For seven months FO officials have been travelling from London to Edinburgh for secret tasting sessions.

I Security: For obvious reasons. being kept very secret. Lothian and Borders Firearms Support Unit will. for the first time. have guns openly on the streets of Edinburgh. and

have been instructed ‘You may open

fire against a person only if he or she is committing or is about to commit an act likely to endanger life and there is no other way to prevent that danger.‘ The team consists of 118 men and two women. all volunteers from other parts of the police force.

I Single market: A topic of heated debate during the Edinburgh Summit which will. appropriately enough. be heralded on the night of 31 December by a chain of fire

' beacons from Aberdeen to Athens. '. Thirty-two ofthcse will be lit in

Scotland. but it is unlikely that Windsor Castle will be an English site.

I Local benefits: An estimated £25

3 million for Edinburgh hotels. . : Spin-offtrade for shops. restaurants. . bilingual secretaries. etc. Press

coverage makes the city and its ; winter weather famous the world

over. Major doesn‘t get his own way 5 and decides never to come north of the border again.

i l

closed ‘as and when necessary‘: wide-scale parking restrictions; over-abundance ofpainful puns. eg ‘summit‘s happening‘. ‘summit to cheer about‘. ‘summit else!‘ (Er. . . that last one‘s quite good. Ed.)


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The Royal Bank is the only bank still producing £1 notes in the UK and has printed two million commemorative notes to mark the Summit. Released on Tue 8 Dec, in time tor the delegates to take one home, they are the last design betore retirement

lrom the person responsible tor the bank’s current series at notes. There are 47 million £1 notes in circulation at any onetime with an average litespan at nine months.

SUMMIT SPEAK When the Euro Summit hits Edinburgh, those political slogans and catchphrases will be everywhere. Given the rise of the acronym, The List offers a guide to what that Eurospeak really means.

I OELORS Detested European Leader Often Reads the Sun.

I EURO SUMMIT— Edinburgh Unveils

Radical Option to Soak Up More

: Money from Its Taxpayers. I Local drawbacks: City centre roads

I GATT— Gallic Agriculturalists Throw Tantrums.

I HELMUT KOHL Heseltine. Etc. Lash Monetary Union. Then Kraut Outsmarts Half-wit Lamont.


E Unnecessary eXpense for Edinburgh

Urban Residents Or Pretentious Arty


Q I MMSTRICHT— Major Argues About

Sovereignty Though Recession Is Clearly His Target.

I MATRIX CHURCHILL Major And Team Regret Irresponsible eXercise i to Criminally and Hypocritically

3 Undermine Restrictions Concerning : Hussein. Iraq‘s Looncy Leader.

:- Sean


Tom Lappin catches up

= with Dublin comic turned

teenybOpidolSean Hughes as he prepares a thoughtful set for Edinburgh’s Summit In The City.

Maastricht. Mitterand. subsidiarity. Norman Lamont. . .just four ofthe topics Sean Hughes categorically will not be addressing in his Summit For The City show at Edinburgh‘s Royal Lyceum. Hughes confesses to having little to say about Europe and to being somewhat in the dark about the motives behind the Summit

i ‘fringe‘ ofwhich he finds himselfa part.

‘I‘m not 100 per cent sure ofwhat’s gorng on.‘ he admits. ‘I think the idea

I is to give something back to the

" people. but it‘s just an excuse for a

. piss-up though. isn‘t it?‘ Not that

1 Hughes is a Euro-sceptic. ‘I‘m pretty i pro-Europe in general. Coming from


. Ireland you always have these

an. List 4 17 December 1992

divides. South Dublin hated north

Dublin. Firhouse hated Talia. Hammond Heights hated Wood

. Lawn, it just gets ridiculous when i nationalism filters down to hating your next-door neighbour.‘

Hughes‘s current set. though. will address weighty issues. He‘s been

f gradually honing his live act for the

last few years. weeding out the

throwaway one-liners in favour of

lengthier. more thought-provoking

the moment is basically how people don’t tell the truth and how that‘s

become acceptable. The material is about how man reacts, to his fellow man. about mankind. it‘s very much idea-based. I’m having quite a go at religion, with the backlash at Bishop Casey and the like. This is the first real set where I‘m not talking about my parents.‘

Religion (and indirectly.

parentage) is still the main

campaigning issue for the General Election in Hughes‘s homeland. where political affiliations are irrevocably bound up with the voter’s standpoint on abortion. ‘1

- can’t really do much about Ireland in

Edinburgh. because nobody would give a fuck.‘ Hughes explains. ‘but

when I was in Ireland I would do bits

and pieces about abortion. I‘m

4 pro-Choice and I was asking what

these nuns are so worried about? If

abortion comes in are they going to

be compulsory? It‘ll be like the hula hoop in the 605. everyone will have

to have one? I‘d drop in one-liners

like “I’m at an age when most of my

friends are having an abortion.“ Strangely enough. none ofthat stuff got huge laughs. which made me

. think. It’s very easy to suppose

Ireland is getting more progressive

as the old fascists are dying off. But

there’s so many young fascists in

: Ireland it‘s frightening. You’d be ; shocked, having a beer with S someone and agreeing on everything

| routines. ‘Whatl‘m talkingaboutat andthey’dsay.“NoIdon‘t think

i there should be divorce, or

I abortion,“ and you‘d go “Jesus,

.' what’s your problem?" You still tend to think those attitudes are just the

; old brigade. but that’s not the case at i all. Your mates still think you‘re

quite evil ifyou go against the flow.‘ Ifall this is beginning to make

Hughes sound like Sinead O‘Connor

‘l thinkthe idea is to give something back to the people, but it’s just an excuse for a piss-up though, isn’t it?’

with more hair and better musical taste, it’s not a role he would relish. ‘I think Sinead is having a breakdown really. People want to

talk to her now because she makes such good copy. And the more she

goes off her head. the more she‘s

going to be quoted. I don‘t know

where that‘s going to end but it‘s not a happy situation.‘ If not exactly in the Sinead league.

5 Hughes is gradually adjusting to his

: success of Sean ’5 Show on Channel 4.

new-found celebrity status after the

: ‘It‘s going to get a bit odd next year.

because I‘ll be on telly so much.‘ he

.5 says. ‘but it hasn‘t been a major

problem, because people are so sweet. I don’t think I‘m a threat to anyone so I don‘t get people coming up saying “you‘re a wanker". In any language.

Sean Hughes is at Edinburgh Royal Lyceum on 12 December.