Don’t be present tense

So once again turkeys are starting to feel their collars nervously and Tomy's advertising budget will enable the lTV network to show a profit for the winter quarter. Depending when you read this. there’s probably fewer than twenty shopping days left to : C-Day -- and counting. The last posting ; date for getting a card off to Aunt ' Matilda in Adelaide is definitely passed and you can forget buying anything mail order. In short. you‘re facing the last minute rush you swore you‘d avoid.

But wait, with the help of The List Shopping Guide. there‘s still time to grab control of the reins on the speeding Christmas sleigh and prevent another festive foul-up. lfthis doesn‘t give you a few pressie ideas. your name’s probably Ebenezer.



What you say is: ‘Oh how lovely, it’s just what I needed.‘ What you‘re thinking is: ‘Why didn’t she just give me a Boots token? At least I could buy a year's supply of toothpaste.’ There are times, and opening a present in the presence of the gift- giver is one of them, when the truth is just too hurtful. We suggest ten presents we hope you won’t find in your stocking this year, but if you do, try to pretend it’s what you always wanted.

1. Fluorescent poll balls This is a terrible present, particularly if you play golf.

2. Pot Pourrl or Bouquet Barrel The satne basic product whether found in soup or irritating little bowls dotted around the lounge. Tastes foul either

way. _ 4 3. Monogrammed hankles When

you’ve blown your nose, who wants

Dear Santa, For Christmas I would like... r.12:32.3?322222sss6

4. Fuzz-Be-Gone or other proprletery - t storm jacket because they're incredibly ; the minds of our politicians, that they de-tlufllng dBVlco When an item Of

3 groovy.‘ (And we‘ll be having no jokes . may seek solutions and not self— Clothing gets those funny little balls about seamen here. thank you.) 5 aggrandisement; among all of us that it means tWO things: a) it wasn’t ; Muriel Gray presents The (Io/den l we may fulfil our natural potential.‘ made from a man-made fibre that Cagottle on Mondays at 8pm. Una Melean appears in Cinderella WilSheS jUSt like COttOH and b) it'8 fit as the Fairy Godmother at [Eden C our! for a diShCIOIh.

in Internets. 5. Hat-Karate attershave When

.3 I Moray Hunter (mr den) ‘1 would like employed with discarded item of for Christmas not to last from October clothing (see above), makes efiCCtiVC * ; to January. Failing that i would like a solvent for many househOld Stains. ‘5‘" g ' writing panner who is not so bald. 5. 100 Classic love Songs (not g; I Jack Docherty (mr george) avellahle in the shops) It’s the r ‘Personally I want to not die in a present that says: ‘I didn’t even leave \ freak boating accident such as being my armehflif- that's hOW mUCh I \ _ hit on the head with a pie dropped Care.’ t i from the Forth Bridge. 7- “In “30mm” and nmcmck" if "* i t if Professionally -— I want to be in a film they ain’t dry roasted, feed ’em to the - Gerard Kelly ‘l would like to wake : with Beatrice [)ullc playing the role of squirrels. up on Christmas morning to find I had i her pants. I would also like John 8. Take That calender Either she’s George Michael‘s financial problems.’ l Mnlkovich to stop nicking my act. forgotten how old you are or this is Gerard K911." PM.” Ills/l”! t 7' ' Bitterly I want Hibs to beat Hearts the perfect ironic gift. ls it possible pantomime dame in Sleeping Beauty I una Mama" ‘1 would like peace, ! (just onccy you’ve got the world’s first post’ at the KW: '3 Theatre Edl'lbllrgll- _ peace. peace. peace, peace in the mr don & mr george is available on modern granny? " r i i 1 problem spots of our fragile planet; in i video at £10. 99. 9. Cutt-Ilnks Handy for fiddling With

at State occasions, but most shirts come with buttons these days.

10. Subscription to ‘Save the Axolotl’ campaign Supporting worthy causes is OK, the problem is you’re now on the mailing list for every single one of them.

I Muriel Gray ‘1 want a Caledonian MacBrayne standard issue ferryman’s


mr den and mr georg

The List 3—io December 1993 73