through computer networks were investigated. but The Net is so thrilled with the possibilities ofthe technology, it reduced the whole thing to a Pacman game with anti-fascist groups chasing cartoon neo-Nazis round the computer

information superhighway. Cyberspace. Bulletin board. Virtual reality. Phew, we covered some ground in the new computer magazine The Net (BBC2). These are the buzzwords to drop casually into conversation as a signal to Other Closet Cybcmauts that You're hip networks of Europe. This isn’t a game. to the information agc- Bat for SUCh a but it sure as hell was made to sound futuristic subject. The Net looks “kc one. strangely familiar. Though it emanates While The Ne) showed how the whole from the wholesome. roughage-filled world can be accessed by kids in a bowels ofthe BBC's education suburban bedroom, Banyan, Holland department. this is a strictly fast-food suburbia (Channel 4) asked, rather ShaCk PTOdUCt. With its heatt th Def snootily. why their parents choose to and The Chart Show live in places like Surbiton. The tone The N?! SCIIS the Idea that SCICHCC fact was Clear from thc moment reporter is CVCD’ hit as SCX)’ as the SCtChCC Jonathan Glancey. looking a lot like a fiction of Bladerunner and William Bohemian Doctor Who picking his way Gibson hOVCtS- BY coming the term through a cultural wasteland. addressed Cyberspace» Gibson has done more than the camera. ‘An Englishman‘s home is ahYbOd)’ t0 tum the COIhPUtcr haCkCt less a castle than a half-timbered. bay- thtO a teenage IOIC mOdCt ahd has windowed semi with a neo-Georgian Shaped the layman's language that is fanlight door.‘ he opined. Like I said, used to talk about information snooty technology. So our guide to the lntemet. the global godfather of all information networks. had to be a real cyberpunk and The Net found theirs in Surbiton. naturally. His devotion to lntemet surfing was second only to his love of body piercing.

‘An Englishman’s home is less a castle than a hali-timbered, bay-windowed semi with a neo-Georgian fanlight door.’

In this series of three programmes. Glancey argues that suburbia is the ‘ruin of our civilisation'. no less. He picks on the Boyces. a pleasant enough couple from Chislehurst in Bromley, to illustrate his point. The camera runs relentlessly as they dig themselves into a hole by describing how their suburban dream means patios. barbecues on the front lawn and murder whodunnit evenings round at a

‘iiose rings aside, watching someone tapping away at a computer terminal doesn’t make tor particularly exciting viewing.’

He showed how, with basic home computer and telephone line, he could hook up with another lntemet dude in Califomia but this kind of communication for its own sake smacked suspiciously of CB radio. Nose rings aside. watching someone tapping away at a computer terminal doesn‘t make for particularly exciting viewing. Cue the heavy use ofthe seasick-making computer graphics and wonky colours which have come to signal 'youth programme’.

But the fast-cut, pop promo approach undermined at least one attempt to tackle a serious issue. Concerns that European neo-Nazis are linking up

that the Boyces knew how this sounded to Glancey. a city-dweller and therefore superior being. but they just couldn't help themselves.

Documentary makers have declared open season on suburbanites. whether it‘s their cars. their houses or their leisure activities. lfthe Boyces want revenge. they could always send a doorstepping camera crew round chez Glancey in the hope of catching him playing Pictionary with his civilised. city-slicking pals. (Eddie Gibb)


neighbours. You could .see in their eyes


A selection oi television highlights,

listed by day, in chronological order. Television listings compiled by Tom Lappin.


I Secret Service: Undercover Spy (BBC!) 7-7.30pm. Dylan Winter uses a secret video camera to spy on the London Underground employees who are paid to spy on their colleagues. with hilarious results.

I 999(BBC1)9.30—10pm. Good sick fun for the accident black spot set. Exploitation masquerading as the reconstructions of two minor disasters.

I Have I Got News For You (BBC2) [0—10.30pm. Angus Deayton. lan Hislop and Paul Merton have clever things to say about the week's news.

I Roseanne (Channel 4) l0—10.30pm. The genuinely scary Roseanne prepares for Christmas.

I Jo Brand Through The Cakehole (Channel 4) 1030—] 1.05pm. Lashings of stand-up and sketches from that monumental mistress of mirth.

I Eurotrash (Channel 4) l1.05—l 1.35pm. Jean-Paul Gaultier and Antoine De Caunes meet Jordy. a six-year-old French rapper. and Tabath Cash. a kick boxing porn star who studies law. No weirder than the accents I suppose.

I Under The Cherry Moon (Channel 4) 12.05—l.55am. Prince stars as a poor musician in the South of France. who falls in love with a beautiful heiress. Her dad is played by Steven Berkoff. so it’s not a good idea. Small ‘p’ pretentions to comedy. directed by Prince.

I That Rivera Touch (BBC 1) i2.10—l.45am. Morecombe and Wise caper about the South of France (again) in the sort of comedy They Don't Make Anymore.


I Grand National Grandstand (BBCl) 12.15—5. 10pm. Will Alex ‘Hurricane’ Higgins be blown out at the Cruicible? What twists will unfold at the World Gymnastics Championships? What bad puns can be slipped into the Ice Hockey Championship Play-Offs at Wembley?

I lulu (BBC2) 3—5.15pm. Michael Caine and Stanley Baker lead 97 of our plucky boys against 4.000 Zulu warriors. But guess which side‘s got rifles?

I A Week In Politics (Channel 4) 7—8pm. Vincent Hanna and Andrew Rawnsley round up the last seven democratic days. Worth watching for their grippineg idiosyncratic presentation style.

I Kingdoms In Conflict (Channel 4) 8—9pm. This week's nature programme features the clash between the Northern Spotted Owl and US timbermen.

I Rocky IV (Scottish) 8.30—10.05pm. Russian fighting machine Dolph Lundgren might be a lot harder than messed up American individualist Stallone. but Dolph’s killed Sly‘s best friend so it‘s obvious whose side God is going to be on. Stallone directs himself with a ham fist once again.

I NYPO Blue (Channel 4) 9—10pm. A detective obsessed with his physique is tested for steroid abuse.

I The Great Smokey Roadblock (Channel 4) 11.05pm—12.35am. Henry Fonda plays a terminally ill trucker who breaks out of hospital. steals an eighteen wheel rig and sets out across the States with police in pursuit.

I Don’t look Down (Scottish) 11.20pm—midnight. Janice Forsyth presean the latest happenings in music. cinema. books. theatre and art.

I Moon Over Parador (BBCI ) ll.25pm—l.05am. Richard Dreyfuss stars as an actor with a remarkable similarity to the recently dead President of a banana republic. Will he accept the Police Chief 's offer of the role of a lifetime?


I A Hazard Of Hearts (BBCi) 2.50—4.20pm. Helena Bonham Carter. Diana Rigg and Edward Fox star in this adaptation of Barbara Cartland’s Regency romance. Features characters called Lord Vulcan. Lord Wrotham and Mandrake. The latter has a grim secret.

I The Unravelllng ("Benetton (Channel 4) 5. iO—6pm. They might be responsible for dubious advertising campaigns and dodgy antics in the Third World. but the Italian-based firm sells more and more jumpers every day. This behind the scenes report finds out why.

I la Bitterence (BBC2) 7.40-8.20pm. A selection of pieces dealing with the differences between Us and the baguette wielding sheep burning Them on the other side of La Manche. See preview.

I Travelog In France (Channel 4) 8—8.30pm. Pete McCarthy gets a cuppa in France’s most expensive bar/cafe. the Cannes Carlton Hotel. and ponders on the lifestyle of the Croisette.

I The Knock (Scottish) 9—10pm. More drama from the investigations unit of HM Customs and Excise. who this week discover a drug smuggling ring controlled by the Triads.

I Raging Bull (Channel 4) lOpm—l2.25am. De Niro gives one of his finest performances as boxer Jake La Motta in Scorcese‘s overwhelmingly intense study of pugilistic selfdestruction. I The lloyds Bank Dam Awards (Scottish) 10.15pm—12. 15am. Michael Aspel hosts this star studded luvvie-fest from the Theatre Royal. Drury Lane.

I Everyman: The Silent Export (BBC l) 1020—] 1pm. Documentary exploring why every week at least 100 lrish women are forced to travel to England to terminate their pregnancies.


I Queen of Outer Space (BBC2) 6—7.30pm. Zsa Zsa Gabor stars as the leader ofa group of rebel women seeking to overthrow Queen Yllana. who is planning to destroy the Earth after she gets a nasty radiation burn. Part of the Spaced Our season. introduced by Craig Charles.

I Talking Telephone lumber: (Scottish) 7—7.30pm. Grimace inducing Phillip Schofield teams up with Emma ‘The Cringe’ Forbes to embarrass the nation for half an hour. The £10,000 prize simply isn’t enough.

The List 22 April-5 May I994 77