Coming on leaps and banns
Traditionally. a leap year allows women who need an excuse, to take the plunge and ask their loved one to marry them. Deirdre Molloy speaks to some lasses — and a couple of lads - willing to take advantage this Valentine’s Day.
VIV GEE, comedienne and poet ‘1 was thinking about proposing to Jim Kerr. preferably at a football match. so that I could divorce him and join the (‘huck Jim Club. along with Chrissy Hynde and Patsy Kensit: or David Mellor jtrst so's I could feel attractive. And what about Jesus Christ. because he rose again‘.’ But that really is too sick. even for me.‘
FRED MACAULAY, comedian 'I quite fancy Emma Forbes. She's married. btrt even if she wasn’t it's not like yotr could hang around outside her house. hoping to pop the question. 'cause you’d just get arrested for stalking. The only proposal you're going to get that way is “would you like to accompany me to the station. sonny”. or you might even get shot. if it's Madonna you're after. or Princess Anne ~- though you‘d have to be barking mad for the latter.‘
MARI STEVEN, Chartbite, STV ‘l‘d marry Keyser Sose for his sword swinging techniques. There‘s a flashback in The Usual .S'uspects that reveals how he didn't want his wife and children raped and attacked by these enemies. so he killed them himself. For a while l thought Val Kilmer was destined to be my htrsband because
he‘s really a pretty boy. I noticed him even before Top Gun in a crap movie called Top Secret with Omar Sharif where he played an Elvis type singer and looked really ugly. But he’d dump me for somebody gorgeous. that's his style. Whereas Keyser Sose. after murdering his family. once he fell in love again it would be for ever and he’d defend me — and probably
CHRISTINE IIEVANNEY, V-Tol Dance Company ‘I was wondering how people get so fanatical about men and pop stars and then I remembered the first time I saw Ben Hur. when l was a girl. I was swooning over Charlton Heston. l’d propose to him. Also Gene Kelly. Debbie Reynolds was great in Singin' In The Rain but if I'd been in it. I would have asked him to marry me at the end. Then there‘s Nicholas Cage for pure sex appeal. especially as Sailor in Wild At Heart. I’d ask all of them.’
‘There’s quite a few filmmakers I‘d like to ask. so I could be in their ﬁlms: l-lal Hartley. Martin Scorsese. Ken Loach . . . Mike Leigh! On a purely physical level. Jason Merrells who plays Matt in Casualty. He‘s so utterly sexy. the second sexiest man I’ve ever met in fact. It wouldn’t be a Casualty situation. we’d both he on holiday. separate strangers. on a semi- deserted hot beach. and both be swimming in the warm salty clean sea. l’djust propose to him and he’d say yes. Totally romantic. completely physical and very healthy.‘
CRAIG McMURIlo, singer and radio presenter (with Tony Bennett crooning in the background) ‘Courtney Cox in Friends appeals to me. It’s just her look. I like cheekbones. dark hair. and she‘s thin. I don‘t like the character she plays. Actually I’d go more for the other zany one. the one who was jilted. not the hippy. So my ideal woman would be a complete mixture of different bits — your Stepfmzl Wires sort of thing. But it’d be like one of those movies that closes with the couple going ‘We’ll give it a try". and then the film ends. Woody Allen’s very good at that. looking at couples ten years on in his films and they hate each other.‘
0' See page 91 for Valentine messages 0
Regrets, I’ve had a few
We’ve all made errors on the battlefield of love. Few, however, have cocked up quite as badly as these sorry individuals.
I Fairytale Of New York Shane MacGowan and Kirst MacColl enjoy. or endure. a perfect Christmas in NYC but when it comes to relating the tale afterwards. they just can't seem to agree on how it all went. By the end of the record. they're trading insults like there's no tomorrow and the air is thick with fond epithets like ‘slut‘ and ‘punk'. I Lola Mainstream rock star Ray Davies loses his heart to a male transvestite in a sleazy bar. Even two decades on. it's not a subject you're likely to hear addressed in song by Jon Bon Jovi - further proof that life was a lot more fun in the 70s.
I Oedipus Tyrannus The parental relationship to end them all. Vainly fleeing his destiny. young ()edy leaves home: later he wastes his dad in a road rage incident. and cops off with his old dear. Made a name for Sigrrrund Freud. though.
I Enter Achilles Probably the first time anyone’s had it off with an inflatable woman while his partner leaves frantic messages on his ansaphone . . . in public. anyway. DVS's dance-theatre show reached parts of male culture some people would rather not know about.
I Max Mon Amour What would any bored British diplomat's wife do an afternoon in Paris. the city of romance. but have an affair"? Unfortunately the object ofCharlotte Rampling's affections is a rather hirsute chap. or chimp to be exact.
I Trainspotting Despite weeks of romantic bliss. Spud still hasn‘t had a shag yet (‘Ma haws ur like watermelons.’ he gripes). After a night of cultural drinking. Gail. Spud‘s burd. reckons now's the time. ‘Casual sex. Spud. casual sex.‘ she purrs. Spud is comatose. however. and when he wakes the next morning the sheets are in a mess for reasons other than those associated with a night of passion.
I ER. The medical procedures are complex. but they‘re nothing compared to the tangled love lives of the staff at the Chicago hospital emergency room. Most impressive of all is Dr Ross. who spends his days as a caring paediatrician who just can‘t bear to see a child suffer. but devouring a steady stream of leggy Scandinavian models by night. The good doctor is truly a jack-the-lad in New Man‘s clothing.
I Brookside Choosing the right present fora loved one can say a lot about the state of a relationship. lncreasingly concerned about Ron's dodgy ticker. Bev showed her heart was in the right place when she bought her husband a wheelchair for Christmas. Hard to think of a more romantic gesture than that.
I Nineteen Eighty-Four Winston and Julia are doing their utmost to escape the tyranny of an all- seeing state when they are literally caught with their pants down in George ()rwell‘s classic. There's nothing worse than a helicopter at your bedroom window to ruin that elusive climax — unless of course. you are into being watched.
I lanark If there is something even more offputting than an enorrnotrs disembodied mouth pouting at you and daring you to fling yourself into it. Alasdair Gray‘s hero Lanark discovers it. He and his lover Rirna are suffering from an inconvenient bout of dragonhide. turning their skin into scales. Should've taken precautions.
The List 9-22 Feb I996 7