'1 front of house

Bribes Please

The ’Bribes, please’ column finally makes a belated appearance after being a'uelly chopped last issue on grounds of decency or some such nonsense.

Following the startling lack of success of last year’s 'Bribes, please' column, after which we found ourselves two bottles of hooch and some buns to the better, we have nothing better to do than to resurrect this fine tradition of shameless venality.

For those who find the title of the column a little too challenging, the basic premise behind 'Bribes, please' is very simple. Any show that wants a glowing mention in this column just has to send us some small, or preferably large, token of their esteem. The bigger the bribe, the bigger the mention.

Topping the bill so far is eight cans of Kronenbourg from the Locus Theatre Company. They’re presenting the UK premiere of ’Acts Of Union’, a promenade performance which delves into Scottish history and looks at the many acts of bribery and corruption which have altered the past. Fortunately, Locus realised that bribery and corruption are still valid methods for exerting influence and we are happy to recommend their show which plays at Moray House every night until Sat 22 Aug at 8pm. Independent of ’Bribes, please', there‘s is a review of the show on page 57.

The Realistic Theatre Company of Edinburgh have promised us a Kansas City Southern Railway baseball cap for a mention of their production of The Railway Children which plays at Southside A (venue 82) until Sat 29 Aug. If the cap doesn’t turn up then their marketing manager has promised us her firstborn child and has helpfully included the details that the daughter in question is 21, 5ft, 100 pounds with long brown hair and brown eyes. Unfortunately, it would appear that the daughter has promised to look after her mother in her old age so ‘Bribes, please' will probably be stuck with the bloody cap.

The producers of Lorenzaccio, the Alfred Musset play which is on at Augustine’s Sanctuary until Mon 31 Aug (not 17, 24), have sent us a pack of Lorenzo pasta and they called us ’astoundingly wonderful people'. OK, so it's OTT but we’ll take anything.

PS. The cap's turned up.

54 rususr 13-20 Aug 1998

On the piss

Landlord AL MURRAY clears up a few misunderstandings.

To the trained eye there are several essential differences between Scots and English pubs. Firstly, here in Edinburgh, I’ve noticed that your places tend to be called ‘bars’ rather than ‘pubs’. This led to confusion for me when I first visited; I thought I had entered a city entirely fed and watered by wine bars, awash with olives and pitta bread beatnik berets and goatees everywhere, the sound of Sade drifting across the Meadows. A prospect too hideous for words. Not even Edinburgh is that poncified. As an Englishman, too. there’s nothing I like more than catching some folk music in a Scots bar. It’s a perfect night’s entertainment, hearing the genocidal cries of the English relayed on a haunting Celtic melody. We don’t have folk music in English pubs which is mainly down to the invention of the juke box and the electric guitar, but also because we English don’t have any folk music as such -— apart from ‘Scarborough Fair’ and ‘Greensleeves’ of course. That’s because we were too busy kicking the shit out of everybody else. giving them something to sing about. It’s our heritage and you can say what you like about it but it’s resulted in some lovely tunes. Then there is the tiny matter of closing time. I can see the appeal of being able to get a drink at four in the morning. After all, when you just can’t sleep, three or four nice pints of heavy really does the trick, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere. I draw it at eleven o’clock. out by quarter past. You may not like it but it‘s the way things are. Otherwise, when do we sleep? Landlords live to serve, we are the chosen few. Our lives are dedicated to the serving of others. to ensuring that the ale flows strong and true. that good

Al Murray and his cute. lovable dog

cheer abounds and that we all pass time in good company. No work clothes or dogs please, but four, five or six in the morning? Do us a favour. As we say in the trade. ’You’ve had your money. now fuck off


Keeper Of The Pint Cosmic (Fringe) Al Murray, Pub Landlord, The Pleasance (Venue 33) 556 6550, 14-31 Aug (not 25) 9.25pm, £9/£8.50/£8 (£8/£7.50/£7).


Are they related?

We were struck by the uncanny similarity between baritone Bo Skovhus and Canadian pop singer Bryan Adams. Both have set female hearts a- flutter here at List HQ With their strong, smouldering looks. Bizarrely, Skovhus also bears a striking resemblance to Willem Dafoe but that’s even less funny than the Bryan Adams gag. Skovhus performs at the Usher Hall on Sunday 23. Spookily, Bryan Adams doesn’t have a gig in Edinburgh on that day which is surely incontrovertible proof that they are in fact one person.