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Jovial JILL PEACOCK (half of comedy duo Viv and Gill with vivacious Viv Gee) shares the secrets of a happy festival.

So how do you spend the festival? Enjoying the latest student production of The Crucible? Face down in the ashtray at Late ’n’ Live? Or perhaps out on bail after an embarrassing incident whilst stalking Richard Whitely? Well, however you like to spend it, to me it only means one thing and that’s spending the entire month of August continuously moist. Oh yes. very moist in very many ways. And all because of the weather. It’s either chucking it down or it’s sunny. So you’re either all wet and miserable from the rain, or you’re all wet and miserable from sweaty sunshine. There’s no in between. and either way means that your thighs chaff and you know eventually that you’re going to end up with those horrible red bed-wetting sores by the end of the festival. Which is not a good look at all. even if you do manage to pass it off as costume jewellery now and again. There’s nothing glamorous about sweating. You smell and all your clothes stick to you in the wrong places. like your skirt to the back of your head. Although it does have one or two things going for it. You can show off a lot when you’re sweaty. Like. if you can’t be bothered taking a handbag out, you can actually stick things. like your fags and your money. onto different parts of your body and they’ll stay there. Sometimes I can even lift a pint with my forehead. And the other brilliant thing about sweating a lot is that when you’re out for the evening, you can drinks loads, about sixteen pints approximately, without having to

antiwar 20—27 Aug 1998

'I had a big raspberry coloured arse. Normally I wouldn't of minded, but next day l was sitting at Edinburgh College of Art as a life model and it just looked like I'd spent the entire weekend being spanked senseless.’

go to the toilet. Now, that’s brilliant you just sweat it out. Bladder relief by osmosis.

Although I did have a bit of a disaster in the sweaty department the other day. I decided that I had better dye a bra and pair of pants red for the show if you’ve seen the show you’ll know why. if you havenW then you probably won’t care. Anyway. so I dyed my bra and pants red and didn’t think anything of it till after the show the other day. when Viv said ‘What have you done to your bum?’

So I looked in the mirror and. yes. I had been sweating so much that all the red dye had come out of my pants and onto my bottom. But

Viv and Jill: moist

not only my bottom. it was everywhere. like a big pair of pants. It looked like reversed sunburn. the rest of my body was white and I had a big raspberry coloured arse. Which normally I wouldn’t of minded. but next day l was due to go fora sitting at Edinburgh College ot'Art as a life model and it just looked like I’d spent the entire weekend being spanked senseless.

Needless to say I spent the next few hours standing in the bath while Viv busied herself about my behind with a brillo pad and some bleach. Once we’d taken a couple of layers of skin off it looked fine. A very sweaty end to a very sweaty day. Oh sorry. I hope I haven’t put anyone off their tea?

Viv and Jill (Fringe), Calder's Gilded Balloon II, 226 2151, until 31 Aug. 6.30pm, £6.50 (£5.50).