In the first of a fortnightly column, Radio Scotland 0] and party-fiend
r- II I I.’rII I f lets us peek in a diary that makes Bridget lones's read like the journal of a Trappist monk.
Back in Glasgow one month after the Edinburgh Festival lig-frenzy, and I’m still displaying the symptoms of a 19th century street urchin. The scurvy seems to be clearing up, but the rickets are proving stubborn to shift. This is one bender that won’t be remedied by a dash of the beauty flash balm, a health juice from The Attic and a long lie-in.
Decide to lock myself in a room with some of Syd Barrett’s aural doodlings, a low lamp, re-runs of Tenko and a vat of purified water. Get bored and go to the pub where I get drunk and insult nether indie stars who are composing into their pints.
Wake up with a mouth like a litter tray, attempt Tim from Ash’s hangover cure and nearly vomit. Go out flat hunting. Trawl round more fetid holes decorated by George and Mildred than even Carol Smillie could stomach. Prospective landlords who would
My letting history reads like the Book of Revelation. The telly exploded and
everything went up in flames.
make Fagin look trustworthy sweep their arms past tangerine flock and shoddy Formica strips, proudly proclaiming they've freshly decorated.
WHER E W A S
Worn out, I slump in Tinderbox coffee bar on Byres Road. FIatMate-to-be looks aghast as I recount my letting history, which reads like the book of Revelation — all decay, infestation and flood. Even fire got a look in when my telly exploded and everything went up in flames. Expound new theory of Zen flitting: with each flat and life phase, I have less and less material possessions but more and more spiritual wealth and I'm finally achieving that minimalist look. Even if it did take reducing
issue wins a bottle of Smirnoff Blue
Stamp of approval
I see re. the press that the people of Scotland are berno asked to put forward rdeas for what wrll be seen on the set 0? ‘(lefrrrrtr\'e' stamps Issued here when the new Stottrsh parlrarnent begrns busrness I hope that t'nrs wrll be an opportunrty to break away t'ror‘.‘ t"‘e tartanrsed rmaoe dlerts of the (ount'y that we sell to the
Isn't (ontemporary Stotland more frred up by the lrkes of Tra/nspottrng, Belle 8. Sebastran, Douglas Gordon, James Kelrnan and Arab Strap7 Let's send out a message to the world that \.'\.'e're a \rbra'rt (Ountry, lookrng to the future and not dwellrnq on dubrous notrons of her'rtade and shots of rnrsty
I mean, when we're carrvrng out the
world mundane (hores of postrng off brlls,
Surely Scotland’s arts (Orn'ntr'trty should be represented on our starnps Stots have a strong sense of therr‘ (ultur‘al rdentrty and, hopefu'lv, thrs w'rl’ lead on to a strong sense of natronal and polrtrta rdentty
However, the ’rules' state that no lrvrng persor‘ (an be prttured
Edrtor' We agree that the (r/r‘rent blossom/n9 of art/st/c talent should be (aptr/red on the stamps After all,
who wouldn't rather lrt'k Sean Connerv’s head etery day? Charles Clarke
Brief encounter: Calista Flockhart in Ally McBeal
alonqsrde the Queen's head on the stamps Immediately tl‘2s restr‘rtts us In arts terms, rt would ha\e to be Robert Burns, \"-.lalte" S<ott and Charles Rennre l‘tlatksntosh all worthy o‘ the honour, but S().’I‘(‘ll()\.‘. obvrous and (l'( hed
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22 THE lIST 8 22 0:: 3998
haven’t Srot/antl’s' ret ent ('u/tu/‘a/ surresses g/ven us t/‘e mnhdence that fuel/ed the (lesrre for a devolved par/rament and has now made rt a rea/rtyr> Have a bottle of Srn/r‘noff Blue for gettrng th/s part/r u/ar' hall roll/ht} rrr lhe l_/st
Desprte an unfarr ware of press (rrtrt rsrn when All; .‘t/lt Bea/ trrst appeared on Channel 4 rn June, the show Just keeps (tettrnd better and better a"d more and more o?
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all my stuff to cinders. FM looks unconvinced and suggests we go buy some consumer durables. Head for Dixons.
One gadget fix later, decide to try a new fangled thing called 'work' and dutifully turn up at the BBC to be bored by las 'Babylon Zoo’ Mann. Reflect that at least I'm not talking to a comedian and buck up a little. Afternoon perks up when I chat to Matt from Dodgy and plan a huge curry and Northern Soul bender. Entertain him with stories of Phi" Jupitus’s exploits on his recent visit to Glasgow.
‘Meet BestFriend for coffee and I'm chronically embarrassed by her fawning declarations of comic genius over Timmy Mallett, whom we find wandering the corridors of power at the Beeb. Trump BF by recounting my personal best for the week: meeting that knight of the dartboard, Tony Green - the voice of Bullseye and owner of the tiniest pair of feet since Tinkerbell had her toes lopped off. After carefully checking my dignity at the door, I forced him to say ‘In Onnnnnne . . .’ before challenging him to come up.with a catchphrase for the radio show. Sadly, the best he could do was 'Take it easy, sweetie'.
Still, as you'll find over future installments, it doesn't take much to please a girl who skips through life with the attention span ,of a crazed midge, the mind of a drunken butterfly and a holdall full of soot. Ta ra.
Gill Mills is on Radio Scotland, Suns, 7-8pm; co- hosts the Beat Room on BBC Choice, weekdays, 11.30pm; and co-hosts Loafers on BBC Choice, Tue-Fri, 11 pm.
Start scribbling, because the best letter each
rnv frrends at least are tunrnd rn et'er'y week Maybe rt's got sornethrng to do wrth the tart that All}, started at the same tune as the \‘torld Cup, but lots o‘ women started watchrno rt then and, rf thevNe stutk wrth rt, :t s been worth therr whrle
The storylrnes and spet :al effetts are rntreasrnglv out there and the ups and downs of Allv's Isle ha\e (rot me hooked If those 'Jour‘nalrsts' who slauded the show when rt frr‘st (<ll‘.‘.(‘ out lantv eatrng therr (le\.er-< leter words, ll; be happ\ to supply the humble me Or an: I berno snaopzsh.‘
Jenny Edie Bridge Of Allan
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