Why did Gary McAllister miss that penalty against England? In her gin-soaked diary, GILL MILLS finds an unusual source for the truth.

Christmas is coming and the waistline’s getting fat, so pre-festive training regime begins in earnest With the purchase of a juicer, a gross of Vitamins and renewal of gym membership. After one day's intensive juicing and pumping, l'm foiled by minor operation and instructions to rest leg for two weeks. ConSider trying to get a flat above the Western lnfirmary's Out Patients Department. Add vodka to juice and call a cab to Pizza Express. Cancel gym appointment and settle back With M&S's festive food catalogue.

Drinking habits that died out with the 80s ethos of Conspicuous Consumption continue apace at the

Tun TO" opening. 85 trUthOfidS 0t Champagne are Uri offers to lay his hands on my gammy leg couple of shandies, the evening spirals out of control

tmbtbed- wadthg thtOUgh Shagplte thtCket than (strangely, Richard Whiteley had offered to do the as my deep hatred for professional karaoke singers

Emma Nome. I my the tOt 0t the Cteahet fated thh same). The stitches remain firmly in place, but he does comes to the fore. Whilst watching performances

the t<35k 0t teStOtthg the WOFtd'S Cteaht'eSt Space to a great job of bending my dressing room key and that would put Jane McDonald to shame, all sense

its former glory. locking me out of said room for the rest of the day. of propriety is lost as cries of ’gerroff and let the

AdmttattOh tor the 805 and its mOheY‘tOt‘hOththg Just about manage to contain myself as Uri amateurs on’ echo around the near empty venue. rec0unts hovering over The club has politely asked that I don't return Within - - Wembley iii a helicopter the foreseeable future.

U" Ge_"er Offers 1:9 h's bands on my gammy during the last Scotland v Feeling weaker than Ken Dodd’s puns, stagger into

The StltCheS remain flfl‘flly In place, bUt he does a England game. Apparently Beeb to attempt something loosely termed as work.

great of bending my dressing room he moved‘Gary McAllister’s As December looms like a heavy-footed maiden penalty ball using only his aunt, resolve to tiy a lot harder at this Christmas psychic powers. Definitely training notion. All good intentions disappear

ethOS tUtthet Strengthened by S'ght 0t Mani 'DJ'h9' not the downWrnd from the helicopter blades. And quicker than a turkey With a tip-off as Teenage

at Nice ‘n' Sleazy. Seems he's taken a leaf from Bez’s certainly not the flock of pIQS that flew by, either Fanclub arrive Wlth off-licence in tow. Well, it's

bOOk as the heateSt he gets to the deCkS '5 to order The fortnight came With its fair share of' surprises, practically Yuletide, so might as well crack another

ahOthet Dtht trOm the bat next to tt- NlCe WOtk 't YOU not least that Hattie Hayridge tHoiay in Red Dwarf.» bottle, eh?

can get 't has a body attached to her head and that Terry

DOhhthg my Cynical hat and scepthat OvetCOdt. tllhl') Christian is the shortest man on TV, and that off to meet that count of cutlery, Uri Geller. So tired Ind-Ljng Noel Edmond, 0t antagonism that he “OW ttaVetS W'th h'S Still reeling from these revelations, bump into Mark biographer 35 OtttC'at guarantor 0t htS PSYCh'C WOtth, Radcliffe on the way to a karaoke night After a

Gill Mills is on Radio Scotland, Suns, 7-8pm; co- hosts Beat Room on BBC Choice, weekdays, 11.30pm; and co-hosts Loafers on BBC Choice, Tue-Fri, 11pm.

issue wins a bottle of Smirnoff Blue

Start scribbling, because the best letter each 5 R N D F F j J

Croft original Radio blaze Star turns Look, she's not "ea.' la"a Croft .s the y’o-u E-Za. rio “it; 'i . 'It-(‘itl ‘, Rearizrit; aootgt taxa" 1'.l(G"e(;o" o" i‘eSlilt of some pits o" eiet titt "t't'fl (3H7 <:" " , 'at: .> a stape- " io"(:o" "fade 'tze sh that Shark ht} about i.". a (o'rtptitei‘ then, 1' e' w "tut" at: ‘o' Lurk, on St :itt s': stars .'.ot. (l t'eao the physms ‘.'.'as "e.e" stror‘g p(>.f‘t at {fit :::t" '. i" : '.<:M' 're' poaizis "‘o'e o'tep pa: k home Roper": S(h()()ill(”1(j‘/(>tIt](»l'(¥gh(>;<)(){]It‘p tialrzi "tr, ::i‘<;e' Fur: '_ wet as ' (a' . e r‘ li’ap‘i’e.’ Sea." Connery as cover of The list {Issue 34/} hei'it; t"t-'e s a :i..a a te'iiat t"at l ta.” (Wt; [ear Ira“ tl'ear'i, l suppose /\"(l treated like a tlesh-ano-plooo sta" 'eta‘e to t.‘\l(o e Kitl't‘an and K(“.'lll Spacey (an 31”“ you, : (j (j ,the the (10,90? the. ' '(‘1"::1. j‘, l)" "at; a tt)l.’( " oi lloi ‘."'.'.()()(i to t"e Lara photo shoot here's l.‘is C'oft, v so”: i'tt‘tit't' (l()‘.'.l‘i 'si)t.'t."., (ior‘fit {pey sporting waiter top anti (O'T‘thif -’- ;" ,. .,.‘ s..<;<jest to the" l»\ hates to (lo par‘to trousers, at the FortQ" Ra l Brtirje tiy -,'- ,yz; " C: as:;o.‘. Ropeit De N ."o :ii Aiarldirr the way, l (hot.ng Pete." Ross's pier e '»\'e yo. ta k or; to Wet ‘Oh yes \.‘.e op the rise ()4 lo/iil) Raider .'.as v we”; , ,, p: :;-’ an- O." "o .'.e'ie "ot' Ett E-tt Ett llltlltitt'it/ 'Tior‘e ir‘teiestt'ir; ti‘ai‘ m: : e". t-t'"m‘:'. ., ' Claire Richardson Douglas Cowpiano'sjti'.e'1i|eburnings Rat: ; ‘1 fir..- :;:;,,:i t- at: ,3 paisley Colin Lewis "' "1 ~ - - ' ": s-u " Kilmarnock, by e-mail <1: "

ROCk talk " Letters page , 'liteie's no (iotipt t'at tine .'est o" trie The Lara Croft fashion shoot moves to t) t t 1.2.1,. The 1.11151; tiagzilne (()t.'".Il'/.'.1: he apze to '..""er's'.a\i“ Glasgowis Finnieston Quay (hm . 1‘14.“ T. '1, _.I (if U My 14.31gh 5 1mm, the ( ria'at tei’s i': lire You/it} Person", W ' gdlnburgh 3'4“ *“ (Jolt/e lo Bumping/1 fer/(i Star lip pent; i)'()(iki( er: :I"’i "e'e, {l,.'. ' m e-"‘a ‘1 editor@list.co.uk one talks i..-:e tr. e.e" 7"."e, rio lam 2' at s t? e (axe, on“ t ';l.e " tr, RaChel (:0er ‘ax 0131557 8500 (1(lrtti.'.(‘(:.lrtllliltitli tare'tite, l-li<<;ia t"i-r_ie'iia'i(:',ii' t't-rr-"rto" ('«l' " 'er §|§Sgow Stapletoir Theft-user: totieatrm':r; r'i-e's‘o: tt‘e _.i\'*te ’li)t"f)ii'.!)i: with” "h"(h‘lt’l‘t'I'JV’ 3" ‘tt‘t’wtt‘: pleaseindude your name and (ale'1'8W illt]:i‘-sl", 'iirl',t)t' Wes. tea" i‘. .771, l'rii- "H" ’t ‘tn 3 ’3‘“ N" "H" t “H” "t", address '( raffle-'1Srotiish Dot"? (let "-1- Susan McLeish (I ft: "t. -'-ttt)~'tti,il'ti<li €()il'.'l()'(tt.y()tt'é'(, Glasgow “xvi: It‘it/t'n / I t )

10 THE lIST i 'i‘ luv "1%;