The Laughing Bag
They make you laugh; we make them squeal. This issue: Lee Ness, the man someone once called ’the gay Bernard Manning' - and it stuck.
Square sausage or round?
Neither — I like sliced.
What's your earliest memory of making people laugh?
Masturbating in public for the first time
Which comedians inspire you and why?
Parrott, a mentor and in my humble opinion the funniest man alive,
Which famous comedian is as funny as a wet weekend in Bathgate? ROry Bremner.
How do you feel about kilts?
Like a kid opening a Kinder Surprise.
What’s the worst chat-up line anyone's ever tried on you?
'You're very attractive, but you'd look even better With my balls on your chin' Did it work?
Yes — I stabbed him in the eye With my clear mascara stick.
What would you most like to find in your stocking on Christmas morning? Michael Owen in the Liverpool away strip.
How will you celebrate Hogmanay?
At home With Mark
What's your big ambition for 1999?
To be appreciated as a comedian by my peers To play London and play it With a bang. Wait and see'
Where will you be on 1 January 2000?
At a top celebrity show bash, chasing Michael Owen
What's the best thing about living in Edinburgh?
it’s 40 miles away from Glasgow.
What's the main difference between audiences in Edinburgh andGIasgow? 5% in their DNA makeup.
Would you rather be on a sinking ship with Leonardo DiCaprio or in an emergency room with George Clooney? And why?
With George, because he's getting on a bit and would be more grateful.
If you met a leprechaun, what three wishes would you ask for?
l) A Space Hopper
2) A Grifter bike
3) A bamboo cane (hair
What was the worst journey of your life?
Through the comedy minefield. But I’m still here
And finally . . . why should we come and see your show?
Because it’s the highest quality show in Edinburgh: no frills or political correctness, Just comedy in its purest form.
(Cornt'nled by Andrew Burnet)
Lee Ness is organiser and compere of the Tartan Tantrum Comedy Club, Edinburgh, fortnight/y on Thursday and Friday He also appears at the Cosy Comedy Cafe, Glasgow, on Thu 24 Dec.
90 THE LIST 1/ [Jet i998-l1an 1999
THEATRE LISTINGS continued WEDNESDAY 30
Ed Byrne Queen‘s Hall; 667 7776. 7.30pm. £l0 (£8). New Year show by the rising Irish star of comedy.
llogmanay Nootfest ll The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. Doors IOpm. £6 (£4). Parrot. Kevin Hayes. John Flint. Paul McNeill and compere Jane Mackay.
The Bob Doolally Show The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 8pm. £5 (£4). More gobblede ook from the Gob.
Useless uide To Scotland The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 6—7pm. £5 (£4). See Mon 28.
Cosy Comedy Cafe State Bar (downstairs). I48 Holland Street. Charing Cross. 332 2l59. 9.30pm (doors open 8.30pm). £4 (£3). Billy Bonkers introduces guests to be announced (to be continued).
Bob Doolally's Hogmanay Show The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 8pm. £|2 (£l0). Extended show with special guests and buffet.
Tartan Tantrum Comedy Club The Canon's Gait. 232 Canongate. 556 448 l. lnfomtation: 558 8l78. 8pm. £5 (£4). Fortnightly. Lee Ness introduces guests (to be conl'inned).
NEW YEAR’S DAY Etiburgh Hogmanay Hootfest II The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. Doors IOpm. £6 (£4). Jane Mackay comperes Parrot. Kevin Hayes. John Flint and Paul McNeill. The Bob Doolally Show The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 8pm. £5 (£4). Bob Doolally introduces innocent audiences to his own brand of l’ilth and innuendo. Useless Guide To Scotland The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 6pm. £5 (£4). See Mon 28. Lunchtime Laughs The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. lpm. Free.
SATURDAY 2 Etiburgh
Hogmanay Hootfest II The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. Doors lOpm. £6 (£4). Jane Mackay introduces Parrot. Kevin Hayes. John Flint and Paul McNeill.
The Bob Doolally Show The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 8pm. £5 (£4). Sports sensation Bob the Ooh.
Useless Guide To Scotland The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 6pm. £5 (£4). Bill Dewar and Brian Hennigan’s Fringe hit. Lunchtime Laughs The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. lpm. Free.
Etiburgh Whose Lunch Is It Anyway? The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. lpm. Free. Enjoy
improvisational comedy by lack Weatherall and Paul Graham with drinks or a meal. Pint-Sized Comedy The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 7.30pm. £2.50 (£2). Allan Miller hosts a budget-priced night of less experienced comics. plus Jane Mackay as seasoned closer.
Christie's Comedy Cellar WJ. Christie‘s. 28 West Port. 228 3765. 9pm. £4 (£3). Acts to be announced.
MONDAY 4 E
Red Raw The Stand. 5 Y0rk Place. 558 7272. 7.30pm. £ l. Laine Ellis hosts eight or absolute beginners and Alan McQueen as closer.
TUESDAY 5 drtwgh
Brian Hennigan’s House Of Fun
The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 8pm. Free to watch. £l to play.
Team up for BIG board games including ‘Name That Tuna‘ and 'Mongoose Mayhem'. with prizes to be won.
WEDNESDAY 6 E
World Of Comedy Quiz The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. First comedy quiz of the year. with your regular host Bill Dewar.
Mischief Le Bar Cathedral House Hotel. 28 Cathedral Square. 552 3519. From 7pm. Free. See Thu l7 Dec.
idiom-git The Stand 5 York Place. 558 7272. 8pm. £4 (£3). A Stand debut for Jake Junior.
joined by John McGuinness. Alan
McQueen. compered by Joon Broon. plus one open spot.
Christie's Comedy Cellar WJ. Christie's. 28 West Port. 228 3765. 9pm. £4 (£3). Acts to be announced.
Hilarious night of close to the bone antics performed by you and your
mates and a few
bottles of Rolling Rock beer.
HAYWIRE! TELEVISION COMEDY SERIES
Audience tickets now available for the recording oi‘ this new television comedy show for the Friday night Comedy Zone on BBC 2. The recordings will take place on Tuesday l2 & Tuesday l9 January at BBC Broadcasting House. Queen Margaret Drive. Glasgow.
For tickets contact Allison on 0141 338 3163.