IL i

By rrghts, no one should be readrng thrs. In fact, I'm not entrrely sure why I'm botherrng to put frnger to pad, smce you're all probably sttll holed up m a lead-lrned bunker 550 feet below Loch Lomond with enOugh food to see you through the next mtllennrum. Apparently, Its the end of the world as we know It and, whrle perfectly senSrble folk are succumbing to Cold War level paranOIa, womdn't yOu Just guess I feel fine?

See, the matn problem rs that the end of the world has had more dates than Natalee Appleton, and :‘ttKll of It rs down to the meanderangs of a scabby loon wrth an outcast mentalrty and a penchant for mznd-altenng drugs i am, of cOurse, refernng to the

s in a apocalyptic mood


some characters miraculously strll allowed to walk the streets ‘t‘vtthout

electronrc taggrng No doubt someoru

has Just dwrded the number of ABC pornts they've achrevecl wrth the square root of the number of MSPs and come up with a ftgure that rs exactly the same as the number platt- on therr frrst car, whrch was a Zephy', whrch sounds lrke a planet, \VlllCl‘. means the world wrll end at the Ill?‘(- prrnted on the back of a tube of Smartres In the glove compartment Mmrmhrle the good people of Cornwall are so fascrnated by the sar

HOI shining for a few mtnutes, they'rt- having 300 festrvals. If they drd that r;

the West Coast we'd have a party

reputatron to nval that of George Be;

and Olrver Reed on a stag nrght

I have chosen to surf thrs tsunamr o' nonsense usrng only a flrmsy board 0‘

reason and a keen eye for detarl Thu world wrll contrnue to turn for a multrtude of reasons, the least of \.'.’lll(ll berng the Queen Mum rs strl‘ alrve Whrlst thrs Irvrng testament to

the conservatrve )ro )ertres of (Ill an: l l .

brle strll remarns the Rottxa'ezler o‘ the Royals, nothrng wril change

The main problem is that the end of the world has had more dates than Natalie Appleton.

class clown, Nostradamus Where some people see cunntng encryptron, I wttness the confused ramblrngs of a man who has gone \.vrthOut sleep for days,

Japan has cleared rts shelves on the strength of one mrsplaced apostrophe, hystencally buyrng every last trn of anythrng edrble and takrng drbs on the pnmest Cuts of the plumper members of the famrly Because some Frenchman 500 years ago had bad handwrrtrng and a la7y translator, we now see an otherwrse hlghly Intelligent race throw two mrllenntum's worth of development away tn the mrstaken belref that a huge mythrcal evrl ttger force \vlth wmgs and an ultra-absorbent ltnrng wrll consume them before the new football season starts. Bet the brtter one’s prssrng hrmself about all thts.

Elsewhere the pantc has thrown up

Obvrously the other huge clue that the world Will not end rs the srmple fact that there wouldn’t be an opportunrty for one of the soaps to screen the copycat epasode. Can yot. rmagrne any self respectrng TV exec lettrng that one get away7 Come il‘t' frnal day of reckonrng, heaven and earth may Indeed be moved, but rt’s more lrkely It’ll be for a better camera angle Just don't let Murdoch get the nghts, or we COuld be lookrng down

the barrel of the mrllennral gun soone-

than we thmk.

Gill Mills co-hosts The Loafers on BBC Choice, Tue-Fri, 10pm; presents Hot Pursuits on BBC Knowledge, Radio Scotland; and co-presents Radio 1 ’5 Evening Session opt-out, Session In Scotland, every Thu, 8—10pm.


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