Mr Hankey

Mr Hankey is South Park’s stinkiest, but most genial export. Channel 4 salutes his finest half-hour With a rerun of the episode when the self- proclaimed Christmas Poo first appears to Kyle. Flushed With success, lvlr Hankey IS also forcing a passage into the crusty world of pop music With his debut album Mr Hankey’s Christmas Classics. He may be shit but, let's faece it, his songs might just warm the heart of the nation this Yuletide.

Mr Hankey’s Christmas Classics is released by Columbia, South Park: Mr Hankey The Christmas Poo is broadcast on Channel 4, Thu 23 Dec, 9.30pm.

Yellow Pages Recychng

Let yOur fingers do the walking and a large machine do the shredding in a bid to keep animals (or even yourself) warm this festive period. Rambo the Sheep (pictured here, second from left) is about to benefit from the efforts of Edinburgh Recycling who have erected large yellow collection banks at libraries, community centres and leisure complexes across the city. All you have to do is take your old Yellow Pages along to a collection bank, take the heat off your conscience and into the body of a small animal. For a list of the Yellow Pages recycling sites, call 07 37 538 5387.


It's fairly safe to say that cinema is the defining cultural ar‘llor'ltt of the 20th century. The SECC exhibits a selection of lamous props and costumes such as James Bond's Aston Martin, the 35ft-long 3dilll()l)ll(‘ and Darth Vader’s scary outfit. If this gives you a taste for something a little more interac live, you can embark on the annual raiser of hair and hell Whic h is Alien War Zone. Can you escape the sharp clutches ol a very large and very unfrrenclly extra-terrestrial? Moi/re Mag/c ant/Alien War Zone are at Glasgow SECC lrom Hill 23 Dec Sun 16 Ian. Pie-book on 0147 248 3000.

So that has 7999 DC the

de siec/e 'naoness take your soul and transoort yo; 0" txhimscai ‘lights of ‘artcy‘ Were gromdbreak ng discoveries made in the firms of science, the mind and personal development7 No, 0‘ cOurse not But rust because we're not Zipp.ng aboat in hovegets oi' hatc'trng Our clothes trash themsefves, some of us are Suffering iTOl‘.‘ massive inseccirities and a sense of disappointment Remember, then, that 1999 :s a set of numbers, abocit as significant as R nan Keating’s latest haircut.

Apparently a whopping 82 0o of us have absolutely no idea where we'll be come the big dOuble zero. In my case, where followrng a thrice weekly soap is deemed too deep a commitment, it's due to the certain knowledge that, once an inVitatron has been accepted, that other inVitaton Will thunk onto my mat You know, the one we're ail expecting, and have been since the millennrumaires told us we were gomg to have the night of a lifetime. The all-singing, all-dancing, eat-as-much-as- you-can-then-vomit-golden- egg: spectacular that the

\'.eat"e' 7999 "as b'oke" Pat' CK lt'ioore l"e'e no \‘uds at tee turn c“ t"e \ea', "'otn.i‘ct at the "flout". about fine ceiestia higt‘.ct"tsottne"1c)"tr:s a"eac: ii‘e" tne "eop'ene bcns descended ar‘c: i"?c>'rnecl the \‘.O'i(i tr‘at Corona mould be home to tl‘e largest parties .irtc'e Baccnas ciec -ctecl to nat e a few friends roancl Our cy"ica‘ souls stayed away in droves, uriwltinc; to brave tl‘e 700-n‘ile ‘ong traffic gueues, stupid glasses and {80 price tag to ioo-c at nature Come the bg day, I got a better nevi. througi‘ a cneesegrater or‘. a roof in Edinburgh than Moore irianaged on szte He struggled to hide his (liSdl)l_)Olltilll(‘l1i for the news crews, but we'd seen that look on the face of Craig Brown a hundred times

Ever the optimist, he looked ‘orwav‘d to the November meteor showers and al: their shimmering beauty Guess what7 It rained We knew it would and stayed in the pub I: was just the over-hyped Moore who sat up into the early hours getting eye strain trying to pierce the cloud cover Even the Mars probe nas gone AWOL The man's a hex and should be locked up come the millennium in case he ruins it

1999 is a set of numbers, about as significant as Ronan Keating's latest haircut.

whole world is invrted to but no one is organising.

Let’s face it, the combined powers of big corporations and the British weather have honed Our collective scepticism this year. Millions of pounds have been frittered on a gargantuan hub cap conveniently located in London that no one can use until the corporations have had their tax deductible thrills. We have grown tired of these Del Boys in denim We no longer Wish to pay £95 for an Overoone Slice of lvlcFun If 1999 has taught us anything, it's never trust a logo

But in all of the pre-mrllenn.al nonsense, everyone seems to have fOrgotten our favourite topic of conversation and potential party wrecker The

The evidence of the past year has turned the nation into a bunch of hype—weary savants Nobody's planning anything because there’s no point the weather and corporations Will ruin it and how it's too late, too expensive, too far away and Just too much trouble Happy New Year \i‘llhat yOu domg for 20017 It's the real millennium after all

Gill Mills co-presents Radio 1 ’5 Evening Session opt- out, Session In Scotland, every Thu, 8-10pm; co- hosts The Loafers on BBC Choice, Tue-Fri, 10pm; and presents Hot Pursuits on BBC Knowledge, Radio Scotland.