A snowman (omes to lrfe, scarrng the lrvrng beresus out of some watchrng krds, a rrran takes a (all on hrs rrdrrulously oversr/ed rnobrle phone rn a hushed art gallery, an over-age boy s( out gets a pensroner to push hrrn rn a pond Dom Joly rs the latest rn a lrne of rnedra pranksters thrrs lvlorrrs, The Jerky Boys, All (3' etrl takrrrg the rrse out of narcrssrstrt (elebs and normal (rtr/ens alrke And keep an eye on your news broadcasts, sooner or later you wrll see a Trigger Happy I'V presenre lurkrng rn the background

Tr/gger Happy TV starts on Channel 11, Fr/ 14 lan, 9 30pm

The (ontroversy over what should go rnto the lvlrllennrum Dome has drvrded Just about everyone from the moment the Tory government dreamed up the notron Strll, there should be no (omplarnts about the (,horre of Alex Nerlsen's portrart of (.eltr( folkster Dougre MarLean. The drgrtally altered rrnage wrll brrng further attentron onto the Edrnburgh photographer whose prere was (hosen after he (,ontar ted the Dome organrsers to propose George Wyllre's work for exhrbrtron. Funny how thrngs turn out.

Alex Ner/son’s portra/t of Doug/e Maclean rs exh/h/ted at t/‘e ’.~lrl/enn/um Dome throughout the year 2000

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"at: "e n' o' edge o' f'fe

supposed .’e-a‘tetf "-(z e‘.e"t

deaf" sunooped ts a'o tram 'as“ o" a":: the woriu was nor." ar‘ rtor‘ There \‘.as a spor‘te'rawtv t'rat en! aaff‘entrt iv to a; that naonerieu Not so l\lrllennrurn Nrght The nrglrt of doom The day darkness fell forever The day the skres rarned blood and the 'nark of the devrl was revealed Sadly, the nearest thrng anyone got to a mark of the devrl was nasty < .‘rarrrng from a party popper sustarned around the fare and hands

‘.‘.as ego, :ng

Dornr; the 'nrllennral rrng 'ound, heard more and more people express therr dsar)porntrr‘ent at the latk of rna\l‘.errr rnduted by the year 2000 Tnev sorrrelrou felt (heated that Satan and hrs dark army were not tt.ttrng about Safeway or \andalrsrng autotellers Why had tov\.ns rn the ‘\rnerrtan l\.lrd\‘.est avorded the surt rde urge and rontrnued to ex'st \‘ntlrout the arrrxal of

The desire for doom is something we frail humans will never shake off.

After a lord Kllt hener style shamrng (ampargn whr<h drd essentrally rnvolve berng told Our Country Needed Us to get rubbered everyone was under pressure la<ed Wrth thrs, a natron shopped And | Jorned them Though farry lrghts to ilumrnate North and South Urst rn an emergen<y srtrratron Champagne lrve pounds of salt Tour srlos of al<opops Twelve mrllennrum-rn-a-box party pa( ks lvlore (andles than a regurern mass for a state frgurehead or a llldJOl soap (narar ter /\ gross of drsposahle rameras/trglrts/lrg‘rters/lrmbs T\.‘-.o f'nest C ubans tpreferably ‘.‘.;th (rgarsr And put that partrxlge rn a nrre herb (rust nurth a leaprng lord gravy, please

Two pyjama-(lad days after tne rnarn event, I knew that the Y7K (elebratrons had been everythrng and more wrth a :arge dollop of greatness on top Food had been throWn Absrnthe met Red Bull and drs<overed that they had both attended the same s( hool Polarords were taken and drstrrbuted Inopportuned krsses admrnrstered Roman<es lost Flowers stolen Danres danred I was a spent tome and had the satrsfred glow of a brood mare rn the ruttrng

Later I watched Trever l‘.l( Dor‘ald mournfully ann()un(e that the Y2K bag had so far no‘. stra< k Then a bubble of a grrl b'onded her way through a Dreatny report about how (arr‘age would ensue come the Leap Year, as that ttr( ky lrttle

the hahrtually rate lvlessrah 1‘ llov. dare the government suuesslully tonguer te< hnology

As :s our wont, dog-ate-my horne\\-'ork exr uses were trotted out Dusty brhies were l)t'()(ltl((’(l that refuted exart dates and defrnrtrons The Julran (rregorran (alendar debate raged somewhere The Chrnese knev‘: that they'd been rrght all along The rnrllennrum rs lravrng a gap year, and (arnage rs really s( heduled to (ommen(e rn 2001

It seems that the desrre for doorr: rs sorrrethrng we frarl numans \‘vrrll never shake off Its very essen< e defrnes our exrstenre How (an we hope to We a lrfe If we do not know rt rs gorng to end7 Wrthout a perrerved foe, our l)unkrrk sprrrt flounders on the ror ks of (ontentrnent and lrfe be<ornes futrle If all rs futrlrty, ther‘. we are absolved of responsrbrlrty Wrthout responsrbrlrty, we degenerate rnto (haotx flotsa, thereby rndu( mg the rnu(h awarted meltdovv.«n Frther way, our downfall rs rneyrtable Apo<alypse postponed due to poor attendanre Try agarn next year lvleanwhrle, all rs (ornparatrvely rrght wrth the world, so stop rnoanrrrg, would you7

Gill Mills co-presents Radio 1 ’5 Evening Session opt-out, Session In Scotland, every Thu, 8-10pm; co-hosts The Loafers on BBC Choice, Tue-Fri, 10pm; and presents Hot Pursuits on BBC Knowledge, Radio Scotland.