CLUBS listings


Just as the reactionaries (and everyone else with too much time on their hands) get over the Section 28 debacle, there‘s a new depraved . cowboy in town: the Snatch Club.

Simone Baird gets down and dirty.

Essentially, it’s a midweek club with a big

difference. Rather than crap mum and

cheap bewy, they've got cheap bevvy,

crap music and some really depraved

goings on.

Sounds like a student night to me. It's

not, actually. While there'll no doubt be

lots of scholars there, it’s aimed at the

average clubber. The promoters believe

that while cheap alcohol on the weekend

attracts an undesirable crowd, cool people

’want to go out and get pissed’ during the


I don‘t see the difference. The depraved

goings on, see?

But there's all sorts of tomfoolery and

shocking behaviour at student nights.

Not even remotely in the same league.

While student nights have kids snogging

i and boys throwing badly aimed slaps, the

; Snatch Club is brought to you by the Barry

! Cabanas lot.

i That Barry Cabanas is offensive! Wasn't

I it banned? Not that we know of. Anyway,

2 while Barry's IS a random night of, well, depravity, Snatch is ’conceptual' (their

, word, not ours), and it’s based around a

children's holiday camp, run by Kernel

Snatch and Uncle Harold.

i Are they qualified to run a camp for

| minors? Well, they were. But then the

Kernel was fired for getting too, er, close

: to a donkey, if you see what we mean.

E And his old friend Uncle Harold was also

- fired for perversions involving young boys.

i Luckily, Kernel Snatch came into some

money when his old lady suspiciously

5 passed on and he started a camp of his

own. Viola the Snatch Club.

If it‘s a children’s camp, will there be games? Um, of sorts. ‘Pin The Tail On

3 Uncle Harold's Knob', as well as Limbo and bad dancing contests. Prizes include some very fabulous Lamber‘. & Butler T- shirts.

What about the music? Imagine a bad 805 disco from hell: 'Pet Shops Boys through to Old MacDonald Had A Farm’, apparently. Makes those crap student

nights look amateurish.

1 Well it all sounds extremely dubious to

i me. And you don’t know the half of it. On | the opening night the Kernel drank urine left by a 'prize winner’ in a pint glass while Uncle Harold tends to grope the boys. There ought to be laws against that sort of thing! If there aren't already, then there soon will be.

Snatch Club is on Thursdays weekly at The Liquid Room, Edinburgh.

78 THE UST 13—27 Apr 2000


I Diva at The Liquid Room.

1 1am—4am. £6 (£5). 15 Apr. Monthly. Yogi Haughton resides with his sublime mix of disco and house.

I The Egg at The Wee Red Bar. 11pm-3am. £4 (£3.50). Weekly. A mix of indie, 60s garage, northern soul, ska, soundtracks and all things groovy at this ever-popular Art College student union. I Eye Candy at Club Mercado. 11pm—3am. £10 (£8; £6 for the outrageously dressed). 15 Apr. Fortnightly. Great big glam house numbers at this suitably glam venue. Lots of fun.

I Fiesta Latina at Teviot Row. Monthly. Next date 29 Apr.

I Fire Island at Wilkie House. 10.30pm—3am. £6. 22 Apr. Monthly. It’s not often that the door charge actually comes down, so appreciate a cheaper night out at Fire Island from now on. Encouraging everyone that ‘fancy dress is cool’, there’s still hard and funky house in the main room, and retrospective disco through the back.

I Futuristica at La Belle Angele. 10.30pm—3am. £7. 15 Apr. Fortnightly. The music will cut right across the spectrum: world, hip hop, deep house, jazz, drum & bass. Afro; it’ll all be there. As it should be.

I Headspin at The Bongo Club. 10.30pm—3am. £6 (£5). 15 Apr. Monthly. Four deck trip hop, hip hop, funk and house wizard-ry.

I The Jazz Joint at The Jazz Joint. 10pm—3am. £5—£7. Weekly. The High lIeeled Sneakers guest (22 Apr) with their smooth moves and grooves, while Groovediggaz provide the funk a la James Brown circa ‘74 (29 Apr), with DJ support both nights.

I Joy at Wilkie Ilouse. Monthly. Next date 29 Apr.

I Jungle Magic at the Liquid Room. Monthly. Next date 6 May with Aphrodite.

I Last Night A DJ Stole My Wife at Po Na Na. 11pm—3am. £3. Weekly. DJ 4th Varmint, keeping it real with the old skool to nu skool choppy changey thing. I Latin Explosion at The Cavendish.

l lpm—3am. £5. Weekly. A new Latin night down in the west end. with the aim of promoting salsa in Edinburgh. They are planning to bring lots of guests and salsa teachers to town, and they get full ints for their dedication.

I T e Lizzard Lounge at La Belle Angele. 10pm—3am. £7 (£6). 22 Apr. Fortnightly. Latino 2000 fuse hip hop and drum & bass with salsa to great effect, with DJs Eh'.’Wun! and Joseph Malik supporting.

I Logic at The Vaults. 10.30pm—3am. £10 (£8). 15 8; 22 Apr only. Catch Asam 0, Andy McQuarrie and Sean Pearson laying on progressive trance, tech house and funky house over three

I Luvely at Wilkie House. 11pm-3am. £10 (£7). 15 Apr. Monthly. In the book called How To Run A Successful Club, there‘ll no doubt be an entire chapter focussing on Luvely. The hordes still queue super-early in an effort to get in, dressed in their most outrageous and funky threads, merely to sweat it out on the dancefloor to the Trade-ster hard house and techno anthems. while those who prefer a smoother sound check out the speed garage through the back. How ever do they do it'.’

I Messenger Sound System at The Bongo Club. 10pm—3am. £6.50. 22 Apr. Fortnightly. Conscious sounds from the 60s to 2000 and beyond at this very popular reggae club.

I Mingin at Studio 24, upstairs only. 10.30pm—3am. £5. 22 Apr. Fortnightly. Expect an intense, intimate and gay friendly affair, with dark and dirty trance the mainstay from Alan Joy and Brian Dempster. Highly recommended. I The Mission at Studio 24. 11pm—3am. £5 (£4). 15 Apr. Fortnightly. This is one of Scotland's biggest alternative clubs with three floors of rock, goth and indie/dance

which should suit just about everyone’s tastes.

I Noa at Noa. 10pm-3am. Free entry before midnight; £6 after. Weekly. Jon Flowers, Martin Valentine and Craig Phillips mix up US house and garage. I NuSpirit at The Jazz Joint. Monthly. Next date 6 May.

I Scratch at The Venue (top floor). 10.30pm-3am. £6 (£5). 22 Apr. Fortnightly. Check the residents laying on the hip hop sounds to an appreciative crowd for their third birthday celebrations: Lyley, Richie Rufftone, Gino and Extra.

I Shebang at Wilkie House. Monthly. Next date 6 May.

I Substantial at E2K. Monthly. Next date 6 May.

I Teaseage at The Citrus. 11pm—3am. £4. Weekly. Indie, with a touch of dance and funk, played to a packed and sweaty crowd.

I Texture at E2K. 10pm—3am. £8. Cass Cutbush guests tonight blasting upfront house alongside residents Spence, Mitch and Mart.

I Tribal Funktion at The Venue. 11pm—3am. £12 (£10). 22 Apr. Fortnightly. Gosh, we’re shaking with excitement simply writing about this night: it’s the man with a party in his record box - DJ Sneak! His considerable physique carries with it an awesome reputation as being, quite literally, one of the finest DJs in the world. And we have it on good authority (alright, he told us) that his mate Mark Farina will be tagging along. A worthy second to last Tribal in anyone’s book. I Vegas at E2K. Monthly. Next date 29 Apr.

I Viva at Club Mercado. 10pm-4am. £10 (£8). 22 Apr. Fortnightly. Sexy, fun and kitsch cabaret cum disco cum Itouse club where everyone gets a little dressed up for the party.

Chart &. party

I The Ark at The Ark. 10pm—3am. £6 (£4). Weekly. Party and dance music at this capacity night.

I The Attic at The Attic. I 1pm—3am. £4 (£3). Weekly. A bit of everything for everybody from the last four decades. I Desire at Eros/Elite. 9pm—3am. £4 (£2) before 11pm; £5 (£3) before midnight; £6 (£5) after. Weekly. Unleash your wildest fantasies at this Sat night mecca for Edinburgh‘s party people.

I Energise at Subway. 11pm—3am. £2. Weekly. Various party sounds.

I Hanky Panky at Loca. 9pm—3am. £5. Weekly. Cheesy, charty, and lots of singalongs for a party crowd.

I Lovegroove at Gaia. 9pm—3am. £3 (£2). Weekly. A smooth groove dance party on the main floor and easy listening 45s upstairs.

I Naughty at The Ark. 9pm—3am. £5. Half-price with flyer. Weekly. A night for the off-work office crowd wanting to cut loose to party tunes.

I The Party at Revolution. 10pm—3am.

? £5—£7. Weekly. Mainstream and dance


I Sensation at The Cavendish. 10pm—3am. £6. Weekly. A mix of 70s to 90s smash hits for an over 25s crowd.

I The Subway West End at The

' Subway West End. 4pm—3am. £1.

Weekly. See Fri.

3 I Why Not? at Why Not? 10pm—3am. 3 £7.50. Weekly. Chart, dance.

mainstream and all your favourite club anthems at this popular city centre


I Baracoa at Baracoa. ()pnt—lant. Free. Weekly. DJ Craig takes over fora night of breaks and beats.

I Club Mojito at Cuba Norte. 10pm—1am. Free. Weekly. An early evening Afro-Cuban and Latin cocktail. I East Coast Project Sunday Service at the City Cafe. 8pm—1am. Free. Weekly. Joseph Malik checks his favourite tunes.

I Made In Iguana at Iguana. 9pm—1am. Free. Weekly. Bob Cairns does the Iaidback Sunday session thing, taking it slow and gentle with soul, funk, Latin grooves and future jazz.

I Easter Sunday Special at La Belle Angele. 10pm—3am. 23 Apr only. mathias Heilbronn and free Morgan’s Spiced viva la Easter.


I Cool Run Ins at Bar Nego (Negociants). 8pm—3am. Free. Weekly. DJ Dirtsman pulling his own punches when he plays his special blend of ragga, reggae and hip hop at this weekend wind-down.

I Elements at Gaia. 10pm—3am. £5. Weekly. Ritchie Rufftone and Kash reside, with hip hop, soul, breaks and R&B, and Yogi Haughton guests on the opening night.

I Jazz Joint at The Jazz Joint. 9pm—3am. £4. Weekly. The Sunday sessions are back at an earlier time. Expect great bands and DJs.

I Kute at Po Na Na. 10pm—3am. Free. Weekly. Murray Richardson and Flash man a night of sweet house music at this bar-cum-club.

I The Macbackpackers Ceilidh at The Liquid Room. 9pm—3am. £6.50 (£5). 23 Apr only. A young and funky take on the traditional Scottish ceilidh with DJs and bands. First 40 in kilts score a free drink.

I Queer Sunday at E2K. 10pm—3am. £6 (£5) before midnight; £7 (£6) after. Weekly. And this club goes unashamedly marching on in all its dressed-up glory. We’re not sure if this is heaven or hell an Abba tribute night will feature their music all night long on 16 Apr, while the UK’s Eurovision entrant Nicki French guests on 23 Apr (£10(£8)), which is a brilliant if somewhat kitsch - coup for the club's Easter Ball.

I Tackno at Club Mercado. 10.30pm—3am. £4-£6. 30 Apr. Monthly. Tackno dons a pair of laser spex and looks to the future. Expect the kitschest tunes from the Queen ofTack, Trendy Wendy and a brilliant time. Don’t forget to dress up.

I Taste at Wilkie House.

1pm—3am. £8 (£6). Weekly. Still the only way to kick start your week (or continue your weekend, grr), Fisher & Price bang out the tunes that matter in the main room to one of the coolest crowds around, while super-fine US and UK garage can be found tltrough the back courtesy of Martin Valentine and Stuart Barrie. 16 Apr sees our official Guest of the Fortnight, when Rob Di Stefano (the bloke behind Twisted and Tribal records) DJs. With a finely honed ear for the most rocking of tunes, this Itas to be one of the Tastes of the year.

I Twisted at the Venue. 9pm—5am. £10. 23 Apr only. ‘The Hardcore Underground Presents‘ this night of hardcore. hard trance, old skool. hard acid, hard techno. gabba and industrial with a ridiculously long line-up over

j three rooms. All proceeds to the Kosovo

Appeal. and lots of giveaways.

I Vibe at The Liquid Room. ltlpnt—3am. £4 (£3). Weekly. Dancehall, Rev B and old skool hip hop from the

Mad Ambassador and Archie. I Weird Salad at La Belle Angele.

10pm—3am. £tbc. 16 Apr. Monthly. A

brand new night of 'ecelctic styles. guests and gimmicks'. Expect electro

funk, hip hop. nu skool. old skool and

big beat with residents and guests from

EDINBURGH SUNDAYS 7 Chart & party I The Ark at The Ark. 10pm—3am. £4 (£2). Weekly. With super-cheap bevvy. you might want to take Mon off. ' I Chocolate Sundae at Revolution.

Pure and the Merry Pranksters.

I0pm—3am. £2—£5. Weekly. Soulful house and disco dubs.

I Loca at Loca. 10pm—3am. Free. Weekly. A commercial mix of chart. dance and disco.

' I Mad Sundays at The Attic.