Every Edinburgh there are lots of comedians looking for stuff to talk about so here is a helpful list of some topics and some formed concepts:
0 What Anthony Burgess thought of Ronald Mc Donald
0 Flags Wrth too much gomg on rn them, or a general deSrgn conflrct.
0 Vrsual srmrlarrty between barcodes.
0 Bob Dylan’s pasta.
0 Urrnatrng rn a drsh of salmon cooked for Graeme Souness.
0 Unusual slogans lrke 'World Sport Club-Rowrng' on dubrous sweaters
0 Butlers Porcelarn. Necromancy Scalprng
0 Spurs. Mrnrng Chrc Decathlon
0 The relaxed nature of Hungarran women rn therr' SOs towards therr own bodres
0 Hrrackrng a motorcycle and srttrng rn rts srdecar porntrng a gun at the drrver.
0 Tyrng your shoelace and gettrng a necklace all caught rn the knot
0 Advanced toprary. Brass rubbrng
- The World's Warmest Soc ks
0 Lettrng your dog nrbble a corn on the cob whrle you hold rt steady, then mrxrng rn your left-over rce-cr'eam rnto hrs dog food, then somehow forgettrng and lrc krng off a very strange new flavour that 8(‘lljdlltlll and Gerach mrght come up Wth rn a nrghtmare
0 DJ Allan. DJ Booth DJ Egurpment
0 Harrrer Jump Jets. Fergre. The Luftwafe
0 Scott/sh Psycho the Movre
0 Hotel statronery and trghts for sale rn newsagents.
0 Leonard Cohen and Steve Ovett.
0 Howard Jones and Gore Vrdal
0 The makrng of a 'Teach Yourself Lrp-Readrng Vrdeo’.
- The speed of the clouds
0 Peerng whrle standrng on the bathroom scales
0 Peerng whrle runnrng.
0 Chrldren's safety charnsaws
- The compact travel axe.
0 A collectron of the lrttle doors that you take off to get batterres rn thrngs.
o Australran operas.
- The Euro The Scando. The Asro
0 Marks and Spencer catapults
° SCrssors Wrth a net that catch the narl clrpprngs
0 Narl varnrsh for panthers Plarts for wrlderbcnrst
- The Las Vegas branch of RS McColl’s Spar rn Tibet
0 Traras rn drshwashers.
0 Helrcopter food.
- The dolphrn/porporse rrvalry
0 The rrchest man rn the world’s toothbrush
0 Gnats. Srsguo
0 The Smart Car Estate. The Ford Whore The Crtr‘oen Prcasso The Relrant Reubens
0 Shoes that are fractronally too smail for you whrc h you realrse when you are wearrng them out of the shop and you get that cold sweat feelrng of consumer powerlessness and you can't go back rn because y0u've thrown the other ones away and anyway why the hell drdn't you say they were too small rn the shop, fuck sake
0 Trcklrng the Ayatollah Khomener
0 The smallness of some lumps of hash
t ' 'ﬁ . I
4 THE “ST 17» 24 Aug 2000
o Tractor beams. 0 The fact that the Pope and Barry Sheene have lrttle to argue about 0 The C‘r/mewatch boardgame 0 Harr‘dr‘esser‘s' names Wrthout a pun. o The uses of used charcoal rnsoles 0 Show Whrte's shopprng lrst o Recordrngs of books on cassette. 0 'I am a y0ung SWrss school grrl .' et cetera. o The Thesaurus Game gettrng from one word to rts opposrte rn as few moves as possrble 0 AbbreVratrons that are not much shorter than the thrng abbrevrated 0 The (lrffer‘ent forms of abbrevratron abbrev’ron (space related), abbreevo rAustralranr, abbr. (serrous), A rbrutalr 0 The morstened trps of suede shoes hours after a walk, lrke they are sulkrng o Travellrng on an expensrve Carrbbean Crurse alone wrthout vrdeo, talkrng seldomly 0 Solrpsrsm 0 l\,lyomancy the process of drvrnatron by rnrce 0 \chker‘ weaponry, Unstable sweet-potato medrcrne. Buyrng two :dentrcal parrs of shoes and wearrng them for one month each to study the effects and results 0 Gromng your own tangerrnes - Polrtrcal campargnrng vra megaphone from a chopper. 0 The seven ages of Bon Jovr o The ’Yates's Wrne Lodges Must Be Petrol Bombed’ Campargn 0 The chorce someone has to make about leavrng the frrst letter of the more common and obwous words rn an organrsatron's acronym rn order not to break up Its stature or to repeat a letter or to rnterfere wrth a drnky word that the rnrtrals produce for example, Fl S T Frghtrng IITJUSIICC In Scotland Today and the comprlrng of a lrst of words that have been deemed elrgrble not to be compulsorrly rncluded rn acronyms, rncludrng borderlrne cases and examples of precedent, as well as words that can be craftrly applred to ensure a good ac ronym-name The book's prologue would be wrrtten unforturmtely by chhard Whrtely who has become Brrtarn’s sort of symbol of an expert man of words and thrngs 0 Comprlrng a mental lrst of what one belreves to be the smellrest of anrrnals 0 Captarn Brrdseye rn a frght Wrth Bernard Matthews, harpoon versus hrgh-power hose 0 Meetrng Noel Gallagher and askrng hrrn rf he has any 0 Salt lrc ks Poppers. Prostrate swaps Illegrble graffrtr The stealth clog Dogs wrth hats on Berng able to descr'rbe roughly what you thrnk a movre mrght be about from only havrng seen the trarler on fast forward on your vrdeo 0 Captarn Cor‘ellr's cock 0 Daffy Duck leadrng the Unrted Natrons 0 Those people who r'emrnd you of a shrub Snee/rng on a tram and rt rrnmeclrately starts movrng Lrngerre made from sea—shells 0 A ermy Savrlle Scarecrow at the Tate
I hope these are of use, also, perhaps, some could he shouted out at moments of quiet in a comedian’s show in order to help them.
Who shelhe/it/they? Lourse Qurnn rs the sassy temptress of Glasgow band, Qurnn, who formed last year from the embers of Hardbody. Qurnn could be rrghteously descrrbed as trrp-pop, wrth Qurnn’s sultry tones drawrng her comparrsons to Madonna. Indeed, our eponymous herorne rs a self- confessed drama gueen herself, and frnds solace rn wrrtrng songs about love, loss, longrng and Loursrana. 'Anythrng begrnnrng wrth ’L’, really,’ she grggles.
Any street cred? Qurnn have a healthy DIY ethrc, wrth a self- frnanced studro and record label called Lunardrscs. However, Lourse’s currrculum vrtae rs partrcularly varred, havrng recently collaborated wrth Parsley's grrm reaper of rock, ch0, and now boasts of performrng Tar Chr wrth Moby. For real7 'I thrnk he was rn another comment at the trme, but the vrbe was defrnrtely there', she laughs. Lourse also feels a certarn krnshrp wrth Carolrne, the gummed one rn Brg Brother, and dams she would love to go for a nrght on the trles wrth her, desprte that hrdeous guffaw. ’Maybe I've got a really annoyrng laugh, myself, and I want to cover mrne's up,’ she says by way of Justrfrcatron.
What next? As well as an album wartrng to be mastered at Abbey Road for release thrs wrnter, Qurnn are booked up for the Glasgow Green festrval. Hopefully thrs won’t brrng any strcky memorres of Hardbody, as L0urse’s last band effectrvely self-rmploded on the mornrng of therr scheduled T rn the Park performance. L0urse was lookrng forward to catchrng fellow GG festrval performers Royal Trux untrl The Lrst gently broke the news to her that they've pulled OUT ’Yer krddrnl Aw, man, I really wanted to see them ’ Let's pray that Qurnn don't do the same thrs trme. (Jason Cranwell)
Qurnn play Glasgow Green Rad/o One E venrng Sessron Stage on Sat 26 Aug at 2pm.