Hussein mark and rising, demands for sequel deafening nonetheless

ln startlingly obvious capitulation to market forces, sequel appears. Entitled Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason although Bridget Jones: Finish The Damn Thing In Time For Christmas possibly more appropriate choice. Sequel. like unsatisfying boyfriend hastily selected on rebound, proves tragically unimaginative. frequently embarrassing and hopelessly derivative of original. Emin-like bird on cover even retains same pose. Am appalled by desecration of image. Am also sitting on huge pot of money. however. so am able to stifle appalled-ness using downy pillows of luxury. Furthermore. shall soon be screen goddess in manner of Rita Hayworth but with smaller hips.

2000 Cult status below zero, sequel sales excellent, pot of

money delightfully full.

So-called Kate Winslet having passed on chance to play self in movie blockbuster (busy smugly toying with beautiful husband and infant child),

part goes to American actress. Renée Zebra or

similar. Angelina Jolie clearly unavailable.

British papers unhappy at betrayal of

Blighty thesp population. also cynical

about Zebra‘s capacity to embody

zeitgeist-crushing cultural Minotaur such as self. Zebra thrilled however, as permitted to kiss both Colin Firth and Hugh Grant in movie; more appealing than real-life smug relationship with weird—looking Jim Carrey.

2000 Humiliation abject. circumference planetary. Am devastated. Smug hamster-faced Zebra ordered to gain weight for movie: and determined to tell

everyone lest public should think her merely a glutton. Am vast. Am flab monster. Portrayal of self requires dainty American starlet to maximise body weight in manner of huge wrestler or weightlifter. Am going to cry for several days. Still. is always consolation of Colin Firth. In movie, actor Colin Firth plays character described in book as looking like actor Colin Firth. Jude and Shazzer say this is post- modernism. Personally am simply hoping for bashful Firth approach at glittering launch party: ‘Jones. you are Everywoman and possessed of remarkable thighs. Rene’e Zebra is an ox. Be my wife fonhwith.’

2001 Make-up campaigns one, Rene’e Zebra magazine covers 4000, distribution excellent, Oscar prospects clearly considerable, iconic status confirmed. Resolutely ignoring bleats of Zebra who has told every publication in Western world of anguish attached to briefly weighing nine stone. Post-film Zebra back to optimum LA emaciation and sickeningly relieved. Experience of mixing carbs and proteins clearly no less devastating than Martin Sheen heart attack incident or John Hurt alien in belly. Fact that Zebra looks quite rough in film both satisfying (as Zebra is featherbrained power-walking LA sprout- muncher) and dreadful (as Zebra is representing self). Firth and Grant not rough at all but beautiful like twin hood ornaments on very expensive car. Film extremely jolly, in manner of original book before avalanche of adverse publicity crushed delicate spirit. Shall shortly become international cinematic icon and attain Winslet-levels of smugness. Shall celebrate with bottle of Blue Nun and entire packet of raw Pop Tarts. Hurrah.

Bridget Jones’s Diary, general release from Fri 13 Apr. See review next issue.

Film extremely jolly, in manner of original book



We‘ve got a pile of original soondtracks to Bridget Jones '3 Diary. For a chance to Win one. name the recent film in which Renee Zellweger played a waitress who was obsessed by a TV soap opera doctor.

Send your entries by Monday 16 April to: Bridget Jones Competition. The List, 14 High Street, Edinburgh. EH1 1TE.

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