JON RONSON, documentary- maker and author of Them: Adventures With Extremists picks five of his favourite conspiracy theofies.

1 The global narcotics trade The American conspiracy theorist Lyndon taPouche claims that the global narcotics trade is being secretly run by the ex—T/rner,‘ editor Lord l’tees-Mogg and the Queen.

Yes. the Colombian drug barons. the

loads and the Yardies are in the clutches of these two toughies.

2 Prince Philip Here is a question

that has vexed environmentalists and royal watchers for years. How can Prince Philip simultaneoust chair the World Wildlife Fund and also be an enthusiastic big game hunter? The answer has finally been provided by Lyndon LaRouche. The WWF. he reveals, is the propaganda and paramilitary arm of British Royal Family‘s 'one-world New Dark Age agenda‘. LaFlouche adds that Prince Philip secretly determines government policy in the UK. He is not dim. He is an evil genius.

3 The Queen Lyndon LaHouche really, really hates the Queen. Here are jllSI one of the many accusations he levels at her: ‘Science Fiction is a firm part of the Communist plan to dominate western culture. Queen Eli/abeth herself has been known to pen “scr- fi' under a pseudonym.’

4 The Rothschild: No other family has incurred such suspicion amongst conspiracy theorists. Take this from David lcke's The Biggest Secret: ‘The Rothschilds are one of

the top Illuminati bloodlines and they

are shape-shifting reptilians. Diana's

death was a public sacrifice to usher

in the Age of Horus.’

5 The Skull And Bones Club A strange tomb of a building on the Yale campus with no wint‘lows. Famous members (while studentsi

have included George Bush. George

W. Bush. and lust about any CIA Chief you can think ol. Strange but true fact: the S88 club has the highest water bill of any building in New Haven. Connecticut. Only members know why.


Monkeying around

Short of new ideas, Hollywood plunders its past. Won’t it everlearn?

Laura Jane MacBeth

hc trailcrs may hc tclling audicnccs to ‘go apt" this .summcr. hut thcy could just as

casin hc ttdtlt‘cssing lhc studio cxccs. i'ol'

'l‘im Burton‘s much-hypcd rcw'orking ol‘ l’ltmt't

()l '/'/i(' :l/n's is just thc latcst in a long linc ol'

rcmakcs that hayc attcmptcd to milk thc .succcss ol‘ thc original. ()l‘ coursc. it‘s casy to .scc thc appcal: a rcady-scriptcd lilm with a rcady-madc tttldictlcc (or so Hollywood logic diclttlL‘sl. But giycn thc numhcr oi Hollywood hatcth jobs morc gri/xly than any Hitchcock horror you wondcr whcn thcy will lcarn to lcay c w cll alonc.

In lact Hitch is onc ol‘ thc

Tim Burton's forthcoming Planet Of The Apes is the latest to milk the success of an original

complctcly unintcrcstcd in liying tip to its Icgacy. instcad classics rccciying thc [Wig l‘lltig‘t‘l lilttkL‘tn L‘l‘ arc strippcd ol thc quirks and contcmporary charm that madc thc lilms a hit in thc lirst placc. \Vitncss Slur/1's rcccnt mishandling by dircctor .lohn Singlcton. \\'hi|c lcad Samucl l.. Jackson's acting skills might not hc in qucstion. Richard l’ricc‘s script handch racc issucs with all thc suhtIcty oi a pimp suit.

liycn whcn rc-working thcir own moyics thc rcsults can hc unspcctacular. (icorgc Slui/cr. dircctor oi stlpct‘ioi' Dutch liit‘iilct‘ Spoor/(ms (Tllt' Hurry/ring) lost somcthing in thc translation w hcn hc l‘ilmcd lhc Hollywood ycrsion liy c ycars latcr. 'I‘hc philosophical cxploration ol‘ thc lirst moyic dissipatcd into a stalkcr lilm.

Stars sccm hopclcssly tor pcrhaps dclihcratclyl miscast. lft'tluxlt't/‘s l.i/ Hurlcy may hayc madc a good looking dcyil. hut hcr lack ol' comic talcnt lclt a gaping l’ctcr-(‘ook- shapcd holc onscrccn. |)ircctor Harold Ramis was no douht hoping that Ms Hurlcy's morc ohyious asscts would pull in an audicncc. hut l‘ailcd to rcalisc that humour. tight writing and quality acting can carry somc sway too.

Some dircctors justify thcsc lorays into lilms past by way ol' thc latcst spcciai cllccts tcchnology. prcyiously unayailahlc. Adinittcdly. (‘roncnhcrg‘s handling ol' 'I‘lit' I‘ly attaincd a gravity. suspcnsc and horror pcrhaps lacking in thc original. And Tim Burton‘s rcw'orking oi Barman put thc gothic hack into (iotham. sparing thc capcd crusadcr thc hluc undcrpants

Classics receiving the big

worst ol'l‘cndcd. l’syt'lm. alrcady bUdge! makeover are Strip_ped Of horribly disscl'wd h) a the qmrks made the films a multitudc ol‘ incompctcnt in the place_

\L‘tlllL‘i\. was mcticulously and pointlcssly rc—shot hy ohscssiyc

tan (sorry. dircctorl (ius Van Sant with nonc oi thc original‘s ambiguity. .’\nd Dial M l'iu'

.llim/t'r inspircd its \cry own copycat killer in thc l‘oi‘m oil-\ndrcw Day is' .-l l’t'lj/t't'l .llimlt'r. An lllltlstltli L‘iitlicc litil' thc [lit/(’1' Sitflg’t’ tiil'L‘Cltit'. l)a\is was lost without thc standard cxplosions and gunlirc. So was Hitch‘s plot.

\Vhat dit‘cctol‘s .sccm ohliyiotts to is that thc rcmakc will hc mcasurcd against thc original moyic. What is worsc. thcy appcar to hc

WHAT DID YOU THINK? rintneparktsam




oi his (iils pt'ch‘L‘Cssoi's.

But thcsc rcmain thc cxccption to thc rulc: thc occasional dcccnt rcmix amid a pilc oi crap ctwcr ycrsions. And with thc ncxt hatch ol' rcal and rumourcd rcmakcs on their way (Rul/t'r/mll. lliu' (MT/iv Her/(ls . . .l. w'c can look l‘orward to a .stcady dict ol' moyics as cdil‘ying and crcatiyc as rcady-madc mcals.

Disagree? react@list.co.uk