THE INSIDER Who’s getting up to what

I No doubt you are familiar with the expression: “They couldn't make up this stuff'. Then get this Hollywood and the Pentagon have been in secret talks. brainstorming potential terrorist attack scenarios and solutions to the threat. Insider's Deep Throat confirms that Pentagon bigwigs have convened a series of teleconferences with a group of filmmakers comprising screenwriters Steven E. DeSouza (Die Hard). Paul De Meo and Danny Bilson Randall (The Rocketeerl and David Engelbach (MaCGyver’?!) as well as directors David Fincher (Fight Club). Spike Jonze (Being John Malkovich??!!) and Randall Kleiser (Grease???!!!). Perhaps Engelbach will propose a nifty gadget to track down Osama bin Laden. Jonze will imprison him in a surreal nightmare world (the mind of George W. Bush?) and Kleiser will make a song and dance about the whole thing?

I Insider hears that New Order's Scottish return was a res0unding success even though Monday's set finished after a brief 75 minutes. The show was not curtailed because of the band's infamous ‘no encore' policy (they performed ‘Blue Monday' on the Sunday as an encore. but not on Monday). but because bassist Peter Hook had suffered a perforated eardrum during the set.

I On the subject of dodgy morality. Fast Lane. a new American TV cop show described as Starsky And Hutch for the new millennium, revolves around two policemen whose job it is to keep an eye on immoral activity before it becomes a full-blown police investigation. lvlmm. The equating of immoral activity with illegal activity is worrying, no? What's to be classed as immoral activity and how will the new Starsky and Hutch stamp it out?

I All very heavy: here's something lighter. Young Falkirk writer Alan Bissett was recently contacted by a woman from the Esther Rantzen show who had heard about his novel. Boyracers. Would he mind going on TV to diSCuss it? Visualising potential hits on Amazon. Bissett agreed. but was taken aback when he was asked to talk about Virginity. The main character in Boyracers is a young male who isn't

6 THE LIST 18 Oct—1 Nor 20m

interested in shagging around. 'How Close is this to yOur own experience?” Mr Bissett. who promptly furnished Ms Rantzen's assistant with details of sexual partners. age virginity lost at. etc. The assistant then asked if Bissett would repeat his confession to Esther on prime time TV.

Bissett told Insider. 'l‘m thinking. “Yeah. cool. this would be vital to pale yOung men all over the c0untiy." and again VISLIaIISlng those Amazon hits. It took the wife to remind me of all the times I've spat my Rice Krispies all over TV in laughter at people going on talk shows to dlSCUSS their intimate bits. How close I came to saying on national TV. “Hey kids. virginity is cool". Even scarier. somewhere in London there

is a complete stranger with the details on paper of everyone I have ever slept

with.‘ /nSider knows just how Bissett feels.

I The prize for Craziest Cover Version of the Year went to Polly Harvey for her rendition of the kids' pop tav0urite. “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep'. The Crazy Crown was. of COurse. previously worn by Alison Goldfrapp who rewrote Olivia Newton John's 'Physical'. For Insider's all-time favourite. however. we must rewind to the early 1990s when yoof-ful insider was modelling tie- died T-shirts at the Reading indie music festival and had to applaud in a largely un-cool manner when The Wedding Present introduced their set with a cover of the theme tune to Cheers. “Wouldn't yOu like to get away . . .'

I And finally: If you got away to Dublin. as Insider did recently to the city's Theatre Festival. you might have caught Scottish arts managers shopping for new shows. lns‘ider ran into both Anna Stapleton of Glasgow's Citizens' Theatre and Brian McMaster of the Edinburgh International Festival at a Saturday matinee of a Tom Murphy play at the Abbey Theatre. Expect more

tO come this way next year

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Hibernian drama

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THE QUOTES of the sea, it felt


2007 Perrier nominee Daniel Kitson explains why he's shaved off his trademark beard.

‘My heart went out to Jason. Particularly the scene where I shove the trumpet up his ass.’

American Pie 2 star Alyson Hannigan on making her co-star suffer for his art.

‘Women are swapping stilettos for trainers in case they have to move quickly.’ Just-stylecom repOrts on the latest anti-terrorism measwes in America.

‘Sometimes, I went to Africa as a missionary, into the darkest part of the jungle. I saved children from misfortune, hunger, fear. I was unstoppable.’

Celine Dion recalls some of her somewhat vivid childhood daydreams in her acclaimed autobiography.

‘Once I got stuck in the crack of Russel’s couch and subsequently got caught in his bum-crack. I tried to call for help but his giant bum- cheeks totally blocked out any sound.’

Damon Albarn details how his cartoon Gorillaz have turned on him.

‘If it’s in the news, it’s in the show.’

US stand-up legend Jackie Mason’s tag/ine to his Current tOur which includes jokes about Afghanistan and anthrax.

‘You end up looking like a shoe.’ Robbie Coltrane reflects on the side- effects of daily make- ups during the filming of Harry Potter.

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