totally unsuitable pairings. If you know two people who fancy each other (but due to being married to other people have never got it together) this is one of the best opportunities to get them drunk and in an enclosed space.

Then there’s the vital ingredient. livery party should have the vital ingredient: aka the person who is guaranteed to do something outrageous after a few shandies. Maybe they‘ll snog their best friend‘s boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe they‘ll turn tip in fancy dress when they weren‘t meant to. Maybe they'll just start moonwalking across the floor. Whichever. make sure you invite at least one loose cannon. They're usually called Paul.

Your nei hbours

The bane of alfiiouse parties (unless you‘re in the ().()l‘é of people who has cool ones). liorewarn neighbours: under no circumstances invite them. In some cases bribery may help . . . or try making otit that your party is for a really special occasion; perhaps your cancer going into remission‘.’ This should increase their tolerance levels. Be extra vigilant if you’ve got a neighbour who‘s troublesome anyway. This is the person who‘ll call the police and that will signal an unpleasant end to your party.

The Event


A word of warning: as a host. don‘t start drinking too early if you are nervous about how the party will go. .\'ot much fun can be gained from collapsing behind your own sofa at 7.30pm. btit on the other hand. at least you won‘t spend the evening worrying. You can count on your friends to bring [more then keep it all to themselves. so compensate for stinginess by stocking tip. Speak to your local off-licence about getting a special deal for buying in bulk. Boxes of wine can be a good bet. as most people aren‘t shameless enough to sit hogging one of those by themselves (unlike a bottle).

You will not have enough fridge space so put some cold water and ice in the bath and keep the crates of beer in there. In theory this will also prevent anyone falling asleep in there. but be aware of the risk of someone deciding it’s the perfect place to have a party on their own. then falling asleep.

linsure there are at least two corkscrews in the house. becatise the one you start rising is always lost by the time you go to look for it later. If the back-up disappears. using a knife to push the cork into the bottle can be effective but is fraught with danger. Hey. btit danger can be fun.


You can tell your friends to eat before they come round. btit you can‘t stop them getting the munchies later on. To avoid them buying chips then dropping and grinding them into your carpet why not try anything filled with 7()s nostalgia like the cheese and pickle hedgehog. Sweeties will also go down a treat and you can convince people that the blue Smarties are actually illicit substances. then sit back and watch them go: ‘Yeah man. I think I can feel it working'.

()fcourse. if you're the kindly type you could go crazy and make baked potatoes or something equally lovely. But how many of us are the kindly type'.’ lttstcad choose the alcoholic food option (vodka jelly babies: vodka melon). Try standing tip alter a bowlful of that.

Getting things going Firstly. accept that it’s going to take a little ti 4 '7. things to warm tip. Make sure outrageous danéeis and flirts are there early and tanked-up to ensure the atmosphere is suitably spiced-up when party revellers begin to arrive. Whatever you do. don‘t sit down. If you’re seated when people arrive. it’ll take longer to get people jumping about. Move chairs into the garden if necessary.

Party games

For the thrill-seekers for whom drink. chat d music just aren‘t enough. there's always party g' iii , family favourites such as Twister to sick jo 1-: stretching C lingfilm over the toilet bowl (pro a est to do this in someone else‘s house). it's one way to get the party going. Lesser known antics include:

O Cockbongo: get two sets of hand—held bongos that can be swung easily and a bunch of shuttlecocks. This is basically living-room tennis with ‘cocks. the boon being that whenever you hit it. the bongos go ‘boing‘. Thoroughly entertaining and noisy when you’re pissed.

O Chubby Bunny: purchase a large pack of marshmallows: the object is to get as many as possible into your mouth (thereby creating amusing hamster— face). Swallowing is not necessary as it will undoubtedly lead to vomiting later if not sooner.

OBeer Hunter: get about a dozen cans of beer with one shaken tip. people take turns to open one random can right in front of and facing their face until someone finally gets covered in beer by the tiny one. In essence. Russian Roulette with lager.

The music Always remember that the choice of music can make or break your party. This is why top DJs are paid a lot of money. Always prepare the music for your party: this can come in two forms. hiring or using a D] or ptttting together tapes of your \ favourite tunes. liither way you have two choices: serious or cheesy music. It’s always more satisfying if people enjoy your serious music but also highly unlikely. People generally want to listen to tunes they know. so unless all your friends share your passion for Gregorian chants and Detroit techno then cheesy is usually best. But note that no matter how much preparation and effort you put in. most people will end tip in a room chatting and listening to a knackered old portable stereo with somebody"s favourite tape from I989 featuring such classics as ‘I Wanna Give You Devotion' and 'Step ()n‘.

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Every party should have a

person who always does outrageous things after a few shandies

. v 4 ‘f 2001 target 1