Rear view

Phil Kay

A gig in Manchester and a night of bouncer pushed me out. started dancing. and as he lunged for me twice. I _ swerved in time like acetdental capoeira. Then he took a firm grip and he . gatecrashlng- led the dance and I turned a lovely twirl as I was jettisoned. ' . . We left immediately to gatecrash the awards ceremony with the . did not change at Preston. I remain theOsame. am consistent. I am information 1 had gleaned on arrival from the seating plan in the bar. . Manchester-bound. man. though I do enjoy putting on my Jacket and ~50undh0use‘ table nineteen“ 1 say as we are led in to what 1 i

sitting opposite my own bag. avoiding the conductor’s eyes and pulling off a theoretical scam.

I am on my way to Manchester to do a gig. I get to my hotel and they ask il‘l am there for the awards. I say. ‘Yes. I am to take them all away for re-engraving.‘

I hang in my suite and phone my mum for her recipe for oxtail. I put my sweaty-from—last-night dancing socks in the Corby press to heat up like salad in a microwave and leave with the complimentary sewing kit and thoughts of getting something sewn during the ‘interval‘. Two birds with one stone. laughs and repairs done. a swan and an osprey.

imagine will be a free drink session and TV disco. but is in

fact the full awards in full swing televised live black tie.

We are not nearly in black tie. Sapna is in yellow sleeveless. raw-cream denim. .

we see pink leggings and white vegan birkys. We are heading across " the crowded room along a "Older and path that ain‘t there to a quiet bit at the back that doesn't grab the .

exist. An official with a fear

enormous wrestles a bottle of sparkling

At the gig I find a park bench and drag it on and sit on it d. I mineral water from my handS and bring a man on who has a speech impediment and get ISp ay vase and pushes. a s.ide door Open . . . ~ . . . - - him to talk without ll lor ages. I come tip with this idea and gives US [0 Gavin. of tree death alert on your phone. whenever anyone b .l d t we go for an enormous dies you are tested and so is everyone you know: 'Yr 0' e s Chinese meal and pretend we l)as -X-pired Icnd()lnces orange ): A. I ruminateupon me [he first Ofa pan), Onwelve memenme “with x , Indian music when played on the throat. centre. Everything they order to he veggie has pork in At the cm “1‘ the Sm)“. I “CC my mend“ are m 4 it. so I eat. fish. ribs. special noodles. spring roll. there and walk off with them among the crowd prawn dim sum and pakehoi and duck and plum who seem now so used to me I walk with them easily. sauce pancakes with Shredded celery and cucumber. .\le. Sap and Ant go into the bar after nicking a single Saying goodbye at the hotel. we see Noddy ballet shoe and giving back the promoter his T—shtrt. He s Holder and we Shout his name and grab the

called Agraman: it is an anagram of anagram. I call him John. whereupon I am thrown out by a large bouncer because I took rather too long to gather the required money for the drinks assembled.

There was a band playing their first song and. as the

enormous display vase of miniature boiled sweets and go and say did you win and he says he was hosting it.

The next day I return on the train with the sewing kit flattened and unopened.


dohn Fardell

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1.?“ e._ ;,__.‘ jg . I.--me 7.9.. III A“ 128 THE LIST 2‘} Nov- 13 Dec 2001