Rea r view

Phil Kay l

A low-speed traffic violation at midnight.

I red-light area on my bike, and as I was about to go through them I saw the police car. Normally I would have stuck my tongue out and ridden on

because I believe it is OK. Tonight I waited until they had gone through,

kind of like an act of deference and being kind, saving them the bother of

having to ignore it. absorb it, react to it even.

They went through, I followed them and they pulled in and as I went past I was called at to pull over. There is no point denying it, so when the older cop in the driving seat said: ‘You went through a red light back there,’ I said: ‘Yes I know. why are you telling me that?’

The young cop looked at me as I declined the invite to chat and said: ‘What if I just ride off; you would have to chase me wouldn’t you?’ I cycled off and around the front of the car and the young cop undid his seatbelt sharpish and came around the back of their vehicle as I worked my way back towards him. He grabbed the frame and I dismounted with no hands and let him take it to the curb and park it for me.

The larger dark-haired cop comes around the front, approaching me from a westerly direction. carrying a large clipboard arrest book and asks me my name. I say that I am not really into this and that we have to make decisions in life all the time and red lights like that one are to stop midday collisions and unhelpful biases in moming-traffic distribution and that at midnight times it is not quite the same . . . how can we use the laws properly and how can you enforce them if you forget what they are trying to protect from happening: can you not see that what they are trying to prevent has not happened yet . . . they are to protect me . . . and look. I am fine.

The big cop opened the back door of the car and invited me to take a seat and again I

said I was not really into that and that they were being a bit silly, in a sense inventing the crime, creating it, at least not simply reacting.

I then remember the statistics that an officer on the beat will intercept a 1 crime, come across one once every six years, so maybe this night is more ' important to them than I realise. You have to understand there must be some emotion and a form of legally acceptable joy in their actions tonight. As my i gran used to say, ‘There’s only one kind of adrenalin in the body, Phil, and T fucking or fighting or running away all make it.’ '

So then it happens, the miracle moment . . . a man in a purple shirt approaches from a northerly direction and says that there are three cars in a pile up around the comer. Terrific timing: ‘You guys are going to have

to go.’ I am smiling now and the ‘There’s only one gfiogobig «Zip packs away his ' ' c'p ar an saysIamlucky.I 3 k'nd adrenal'n say I know that. He says I have ? In a terrible attitude. I say I guess I ; " do in relation to you, yet I ' f k'i an believe you are not being open l fluirrng or and I love you as people and I I9 mg or running away all make It’

t was like this. I was approaching some traffic lights that were red in the

apologise to the young cop for . making him park my bike. i Big cop opens a small book . and asks me my name and I say l Phil, surname k-a-y. Home? I : say I am not sure tonight. He E writes NFA and tells me without lights it l is an offence to ride the bike. I tell him it is light enough and that I will be riding it. I want to thank them for choosing to

let me oflc and making it seem like there was a reason for this. I kept wanting to ! say: ‘Anything you say now will be remembered and embellished, typed up 3 later and could be used in a gig.’



The High: and Laws of 2002 for the Culturally A5pirirtg....

January-v YOu wake up on doc I“ of January with at good feeling in your bones 2002 «oil! be the year In which you {rm/(3 make it in the arts....

Febma ~ Yom decide to set

up at te evision production Compaq and invest. in all the latest may to make pfogmmwies in Male 50??" High Definition Dr'gifd/

March~ The BBC announces the launch of its new CI'VCu/ar Screw Ultra Def/moon Lever format.

All your equipment will be redundant in six

Mend/11$ time.

Aprt7~ To be on the safe side, you shoot gour firrc TVdmma M evr

«comm known to man...

Julg~ Abundaning the Pickle world of television, you direct, pfodurc and star in a One-man show for the 5ta3e. You know this wull

may ~ You! T.V dMMa i5 comm. BBC 2 {chedule it. in {of a Prime broadaut Slot on Sunday 30“June. Maswe viewing

Figures predicted .

June~ The Football World Cup

Final (5 also on the 30‘“of.)une.

it is between E lamcl and Saddam.

Only three. pea e M the entire

comm ~ you , your mum and

her dog ~ await your TV. drama. a“

August ~ Unfortunate—13 , gou den” - ; that the best way to become rich and famous (5 to pVEmiéfe 90a?

Show at. the E&mbuf9h Fri“ 6-

Could you sflak w darkrtw

make you rich and famous.

A. v 1' l‘ l ., rm”. '_ ' o’ "a h A}: gear, m: ~91 bu- ~ Penniless and depressed , 50M natde become at writer...

December~ As December 31" § passes and you finally get hogan)" bed, you have a good. feelmg m = your bones 2003 Wt” be the f gear in Which you {Md/{y make it ' in do ants“...

November ~ Freak whirlwind hits Las Vegas. Thousands dead. Your film is shelved indefinitely.

October ~ Success! Your screen— plat for a blxklouscef comedg about a ak whirlwind hitting LOU Vegas is lacing dmloped 53 a Magor Holle studio.

Jim Carey is m, interested

104 THE LIST z1—‘7 Jar“ 2002