e ln Spam. they love cogs. Yot. meet your "e'gi‘ootn‘s. the o a con‘tnitlh'ty. t‘e pa'f'te" while n'xak Pg the ocg. So lnslo‘er :‘t'cv'n‘s you that a pa " of Spanzaro‘ 't‘~.e"te:: a washing machine for dogs. yet.“ l anoerstaho thts "as pee" Clone in coy t"e cost "to": (7‘5; ano’ " 'x: EQLAGV'CO Segre. act: /\"()"(}8 D az's ‘La\.aka"' 888(1t2-'(3£i()"‘§} acton‘cttc “1);.878 we: was" ng 'V‘aC'T"‘G. o" soaps. rr‘ses am or es an s " essa than 'tai‘ a" A_;:_:a"e"' ‘.

t .' . t t . r, WCVKS VC' CE‘C .CX). \r-(BGC-Otfi".

Th 8 cotxt‘h s "‘:;t Smog. So .'."‘.el‘ "<36,‘.:.)£3" Caroline Donne "(Itti- ' alert l"s~de’ to 7‘6} t:"(2e:‘: "g; "‘e:: a power of The t; the £1:):3"(;I;"£1i(fi 'Sl“aCK arse' tat: a express :2" '7"“€(‘}‘£,li(: EECKXXCCL ‘; "e'ttemoerf Caro ne. ‘se"o:"g a" one; to your 'ett<;-"s page acoot Santa‘s lce Cant-2s " Eo"‘l3tiroh.' ‘o'n-htm’? But 1

escaped "‘1. atte'tt (21‘ t";‘:‘. "(i also pee". 'tte'“. erred ('3‘; T'th E/e" Nev/sf MW“. Stn‘e e"ot,g".

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6 THE LIST >'-

"GCGC'JCP ‘or Santa's new ice cave] the newspaper carried an nten. vex: with Carome in when. "e'tta'kan y she sac ‘~.'.’OFCJ-‘Or— not: the same as s'te'c‘ wrtten to 'l \.'.'CU'CI".°. "who. cat :t "‘EMCS tsomo ike waging a one" (321"10". gn against


Lf‘t’? i) c‘.C(:. SW: bd‘.

Fro'“ 18.9008 to ntoo'fant

t" ano the sad: "8‘58 that E:: vicargn's Lumiere c "one s to c ose ts moors ‘or gooo " March. That’s " (rt. :1 'J‘Ooil!‘ Scot ano DC mg conquered by the invading multiplex army. the Roya Moses"? has sec". ‘t to osco'flt'me ts ‘Llr‘o 'tg. A:;oz,a"(~:-r‘ty there's "oi e'totigh "‘f)"(%\ the Jest—"ecess'o" (th‘df for f"‘e "Toseat‘t's steam "es ano Cal‘f‘Ol‘S as wel as i"(k c "‘emas ‘w‘s. so t"e " (“8 get the Sl‘()\.‘(-;. Never l“"‘.(.l that t"-::- gt..'“~(}"(3 x'ras oot'w cost- ~7?“£3C21t‘.(3 and :1"()"t-"‘ak.ng. Never no :t startezt a "on: ‘lirn festlva. I" SSl‘ . orex towed European Fill“, A‘.‘.’£t"(ls "t>t“ll‘ees. [Drogt‘alt‘tlt‘eo seat o"s of Scottssn .‘»!ms and


hosted high profile Edinburgh International Film Festival events each. August. Never mind that withotlt arthoclse venues like the Lumiere. all you can expect to see at Cinemas IS Harry SOdd/P/Q Potter repeated on two dozen SCreens. Just never rhino ahytnng. Stay at home ano rent a yzoec hsteao'.

1:323 Oh. stop moanmg.‘ ‘No. why shoald l? hate New Year.‘ 'But people have to read your drivel." No. they CJO'T'I. Tney Cold turn to the flan section rt they want to *eao unrelentingly trooeat 0L.“ about Terrific! firms and Stunning! per‘ormancesf Jpst lnslder's cheap cke h an etfon to westle some reaoer attehtzon Actually. Edinbt.rgh's Cameo -\.-.«h.ch has yet to soccamb to the rt‘ulttotex hoaro'l IS Opening a: light On Saturday 5 January to screen the terrific David Lynch's Stunnsng Quartet of ."ms: Blue Velvet. Lost Hrgir.«'/a),’. Twm Peaks: Fire l' a/k ‘.«"//.’h Me ano his terrlftcally stunning new t':|m. fi/iulho/lanc‘ Dl'll/e (and see featurel. It all starts at * .3Cp'h ano by dawn you'll be ready to be sectIOned. |ns:der WIFE be the mower curled up In the corner of the cinema. Dripping.

hit F.vtally. jast listen to this: 'I'm going to open a plzza Jomt. DvFor‘tatne's Pzzzerta. tn the middle of Dublin. We have the space. we're tryang to get the ovens in right now. We want to make .t proper. get a card game going on out the back. YOU have to have a pack room in a pizza out." That's Huey Morgan of Fun Lawn” Criminals. Insider nas lost one word to say it response: fokit“ dick ‘.‘.’£l(l.


‘I thought it would offer another opportunity to draw people into

phflosophy! f/l'rch/gan Universny's Professor Kimberly Blessing tel/s .t'nhy she's running a cowse based on he '.'/.'t and msc’om of Homer Simpson.

‘They leave work at five and there’s a Bank Holiday every minute.’

Madonna endears herse/f to the London borders who are constructing her' new house.

‘I don’t think people really want a book about celebrity paedophiles. You can imagine why nobody would want to curl up with it.’

Jen Ronson exp/a/ns whx his documentary about Jonathan Krng m/ be his final comment on the matter.

‘In light of your recent movies, more specifically The Phantom Menace and the soon to be released Attack Of The Clones, we beg thee of Star Wars creation to pass all creative rights to Peter Jackson.’ Part of a petition signed by Star ‘/ ars anoraks heggng George Lucas to hand The Force over to The Lo'o Ox‘ The Rngs d/rectOr:

‘Luckily, I always carry a penknife. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t so I stabbed him.’

Cleo Roco recalls her close share with the Buenos Arres tax; oft/e" who "ece."."'j./ tree to Konao her.

‘The remedy for the universal hospital food problem is to be found on the ground floor, not in the stratosphere inhabited by kitchen celebrities.’

Egon Ronay h/ts out at Lcyo Grossmart's proposars ‘or asking so posh nos,h to \H8 patents.

‘I can go shopping for panties and bras in Bloomingdale’s without worrying.’ Kine apprecates lack of ‘a'he " Attrehca.

Cleo Rocos has another stab at fame