THE INSIDER Who’s getting up to what

I Shock! Horror! Six backstage staff at Scottish Opera have been suspended for drug taking. Only six? Surely drug taking is rife in the theatre industry? Insider is reminded of the st0ry about Richard Burton. who in order to calm stage nerves used to send his understudy out for three pints of Guinness prior to each performance. There's no business like showbusiness etc.

I Sad! Fucker! A Mr Mike Burgess ordered a Powerlvlac G4 Cube from Apple's website. But he was so impatient for it to be delivered. he made a cardboard replica while he waited for the real one to arrive. ‘I am so excited about the new Cube that I had to see what it would look like in person!‘ Burgess wrote in a note to MacAddict. on which site he posted plans for his cardboard Cube. So that other sad fuckers could do the same.

I Shock! Horror! No. really. Three peOple collapsed at the Swiss premiere of the Japanese horror film Audition. They had to be stretchered out of the cinema. along with the remainder of the audience who left out of disgust and by their own locomotion. No doubt the offending scene w0uld be the extended climactic one in which a deranged woman paralyses a man and saws his feet off with diamond-coated wire. And then she sticks needles in his eyes. The manager of the Riffraff cinema in Switzerland was considering cancelling the film. except that he has been flooded With ticket requests.

I Over! Reaction! Cambodian prime minister Hun Sen has launched a stern crackdown on the ceiintry's nightlife and unveiled a new punishment for rogue karaoke bars: destruction by tanks. Last month thousands of nightclubs. discoteques and karaoke parlours were raided by soldiers in a nationWIde crackdown on vice. Now Sen merely rolls tanks through Cambodia's illegal karaoke bars. Apparently. the move sparked protests from thousands of people who said their livelihoods had been destroyed. Literally.

I No! Surprise! DeSpite Osama bin Laden. or whoever. doing his upmost to ruin Hollywood‘s fortunes. Americans have still shelled out enough buckage to break box office records. One and

6 THE LIST 1/ ill Jan 2002


‘I hope he is the one, the last one.’ Joan Collins gives a somewhat less than

ringing endorsement for her fifth hubbie-to-be, the gal/ant Percy Gibson (aged 36).

‘Never act with children.

Or fish.’

Kevin Spacey 's profound conclusion during the making of his latest film The Shipping News, in which he has to frolic with cod.

‘If it had hit us, it would

have taken out a medium- sized country such as France or Texas.’

A spokesperson from the Spaceguard Centre in Wales discusses the big rock which narrow/y avoided a collision with earth recent/y. We hope their knowledge about saving us from hurtling asteroids is better than their grasp of geography.

‘I have the worst luck of any human being you have everseenfl

Before you think George Clooney is another of those ‘woe is me and my mil/ions '-type celeb, he 's bemoan/rig his misfortune at the blackjack tab/e.

‘She’s like Harry Potter

in drag.’

A US fashion pundit cast/gates Anne Robinson '3 weak dress sense.

‘My heart bleeds for all the homeless animals in the world, but I won’t be petting strays in the future.’

Moby’s reaction to being gnawed by a street cat.

‘Under our legislation, there are things Bob The Builder is doing that are an offence.’

A spokesperson from Queensland's

a half billion American residents bought tickets last year. earning the studios a tidy 88.38bn. No doubt. there was a hiccup on the moneymen's growth chart around early September. but the traumatised nation is currently eagerly digesting a string of patriotic war movies. Meanwhile. the rapidly expanding fortunes of The Lord Of The Rings will soon make it the sixth film to break the 8200m mark. It's enough to fund a war . . .

I Stupid! Sods! IKEA has published a pocket guide. Five Steps To Getting Organised. Under: ‘The home communication centre keeping track of important things'. tip number two reads: 'Clocks and calendars help yOU keep track of appointments.‘ Insider is reminded of satirical Vi/ comic's

Workplace Health And Safety department nails the cartoon cowboy. One episode showed him hanging from the side of his bulldozer and not wearing a helmet on site.

Top Tip: “Buy onions instead of apples. they are cheaper.‘

iii More! Stupid! Sods! Back in February 2000 the City of Edinburgh Council's Sheriff's Officers arrested a photography exhibition. Marc Marnie's An Eye For Music. Pending an outstanding debt. the exhibition of 50 or so black and white photographs of musicians on the road including Miles Davis. Muddy Waters. James Brown. BB King, Liam Gallagher. Siouxsie Sioux and Jack Bruce was held in a damp cellar. Where most of them were ruined. The authorities merely shrugged. Not Our problem. Marnie has since painstaking reconstructed the exhibition. which will show at Edinburgh's Queen's Hall from next month. Happy! Ending!

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Bob, the builder from hell