The Front


THE INSIDER Who’s getting up to what

‘x You wouldn’t catch the Beach Boys singing about IT hardware

Swerdan. a teacher from Lafayette. California (these loonies are always American) composes pop songs about his Mac. That's right. where. say. The Beach Boys wrote about Surfing and hot rods and The Doors wrote about fucking and tripping. Swerdan writes odes to a piece of plastic with a bunch of electronic gear inside. ‘Poor sad Mac, born in a plastic age’. sings Swerdan. Wouldn't be much good if it had been born in the age of wood though. w0u|d it? If this guy taught Insider's kids. Insider w0uld have them removed from school immediately.

I And the beat goes on: there's renewed talk of a Scottish film studio, a la Pinewood or Elstree. Scottish Screen. the government- backed umbrella film agenCy for Scotland. is pushing the former John Brown shipyard at Clydebank as the location for an international production facility. Certainly. the location. which oversaw the building of the 0E2 and the Queen Mary ocean liners and which could contain as many as 70 football pitches. is big enough to house a vast film studio. However. although the shipyard is currently housing the production offices of the forthcoming though much-delayed [won W film, Young Adam. there‘s a catch: the yard rests directly beneath the flight path of the extremely busy Glasgow Airport and soundproofing isn‘t a financially viable option. Maybe Soon Connory's long—cherished. but ultimately doomed Edinburgh film studio will experience an upswing in fortunes once more.

I Insider always imagined Hollywood was the hands down champ of the ‘pitch'. ‘lt's John Woo meets the Coen brothers.’ ‘lt's Jaws meets Ef.‘ 'lt‘s an arthouse-mainstream- commercial-science fiction-romance. With martial arts' (which could actually be The Matrix). Etc. You get the idea. Well. New Territories. the Glasgow-based international festival of live arts. has topped Tinseltown's movie moguls with the pitch in its programme for Lee Adam's show. The Bachelor Stripped Bare: 'The bastard lovechild of a drunken three-way fuck between Marcel Duchamp. Jean Genet and TaISUmi Hijikata in the car park of Club Dada at closing time.‘ Not bad.

I Here's another story from the past. Perhaps you remember Insider's ridiculing of tho man who loved Apple Mac. so much he couldn‘t wait for his new machine to be delivered and so built a cardboard replica to sit on his desk meantime? All very nerdy. but a fella named John

Jonm P.

~t3 ‘SUM'

Sullivan Pre-school

It was really brilliant. It was good f0r adults too.

I really enioyed it.

Randa" Boggs Sit/(fen?

I'. was good. In". it ‘.'.'a:;.'i't ltffiill‘, at; good at; Shrek


8 1'“! LIST 14—28 Feb 2002

list Now. ah, Insider is certainly no literary critic. but Candy Cotton Kid and the Faust/an Wolf sounds a bit

. . . out there. Author and former psychotherapist and hypnotherapist Sandra Lester's book is billed as an investigation into 'Ted Hughes' unethical use of hypnosis and Sylvia Plath's death on f 1 February 1963'. And it's all written in the form of free verse. Anyway. the Times Literary Supplement is calling it “a radical and challenging theory'. so what does Insider know? If you're interested in reading Lester's book. by the way. there's further info available at: wwwartradicalscom

Someone else has been chasing the controversy dragon. Tony Kaye. the British advert maker who's perhaps best known outside of the industry as the director of the neo- Nazi drama with Ed Norton playing an intelligent racist skinhead American History X. has been appearing on stage in New York comedy clubs performing routines dressed as Osama bin Laden. Not that the White House deferred from going ahead and hiring the comedian to make two anti-terrorism adverts which were broadcast at the Super Bowl (which must say something bad abetit the style of Kaye's humour). Funny old world.

Monsters, Inc Odeon. Edinburgh

Mike Wazowski Staten! lhadn't seen :I. it was; so cute Icried.


‘I view it as the first step in presenting myself to the world

as I am.’ Former pop star Tiffany expresses no regrets at showmg off her surgical/y augmented new look in Playboy

‘A sweaty fuckin’ gimp saying lots of shit.’

The Coral '8 James Skelly on his NME Tour cohort. Andrew WK.

‘I can’t think of anything more interesting than being at the dogs.’

Ray Winstone ponders on his glamorous offscreen life.

‘I’ve made up for some lost time. Not in the glue-sniffing department, though.’

Alanis Morissette reflects on her lost childhood.

‘She’s a married woman. I’m a churchgoing man.’

Godfather of Set/l James Brown in an LA court. denying sexual harassment.

‘The worst thing I put in my mouth was boiled iguana in Mexico. It was like chewing on a plastic action figure.’ Chef Anthony Bourdain insists that feeding on the delicacies of the world isn 't all that it's cracked up to be.

‘After every three shows, l have to chuck my suits away because they won’t clean them any more.’

Lee Evans proves that he sweats it Out on stage.

‘Her hands are really weird. Have you ever seen them? They’re very small and dumpy and fat. She

covers them up in gloves

all the time.’

Rankin focuses his lens on the queen.

‘We say that beards are a big turn on and the manufactured image of Hear’Say is a big turn off.’ A spokesperson for the Beard

Liberation Front believes the unshaven Hear 'Say chose looks over vocal ability when recr l iitir lg their new member: