Rear view

Phil Kay

From pancake making to The Guinness Book Of Records.

oday l have to make a stack ol' pancakes as high as a

girl. lior her hirthday. ('liur/ollc. ('liur/nltc.

('liurlnm'. happy hirthday. I love (‘harlottc and I love making pancakes and I love mixing them up and love eating them and seeing them eaten.

liirst. a small pile of flour that gets itsell’ up in the morning. Then. I push the egg into the pile to make a well and then in goes the egg uncascd. It gets a little lurking there and then hel'ore the milk. Then the concentric stirrings that no llour can endure and that every llour tries to resist. The swirls and the shapes follow with the writing ol' the name invisihly into the mixing along with numhers. mostly eights.

In the realm ol’ pancake making. this stack will he my highest and so I just check The (iuinm'ss Hnu/x' ()l‘lx’t't-nn/s to get a l'eel l‘or it. You can’t see it. hut l have seen the l‘)77 Bunk which was compiled hy Norris and even though his hrother was dead he was still there on the first page. credited. entomhcd in hrackets. There could he a wee section l‘or him somewhere like .\lost .\lisscd Brother or Brother-'l‘win ()l' Most In Some \\'ay Related To IRA Death

’et Was lle .\'ot Secretly ;\ .\'a/,i 01‘ Something section.

In the l'ood section I see a picture which looks like the World’s Smallest llorse And ('art with the World's Most liilthy liorgotten ()melette l-‘rom Behind The liridgc on it.

Due to the grainy. hlack and white. had weather cl'l'ect ol'

the most primitive photographic reproduction. it turns out

to he a normal si/ed horse pulling the World’s largest Bccl‘

Burger. Same with the World's Smallest Book. it was handily next to the World‘s Most Average Si/ed l’encil.

John Fardell

Nowadays. TIM Guinness Bunk . . . is all ahout getting Britney Spears in and inventing categories that can he Used to attract huying. In the 70s the most retrospectively-loved decade they had a section on suicide: Hungary ‘lcads‘ the world with 3(3 in every l()().()()(). There is an entry l'or mass killings (2(i.3()().()()(): Mao Tse—tung. Let‘s hope this one stands tor ever).

There is a hilarious hum of numh printing moral immunity: the Malia holds the record l'or Largest (‘I'iminal ()rganisation . . . or ‘the (‘osa Nostra. which has inliltrated the executive. the judiciary and legislature ol'the l'nitcd States . . . with an estimated turnover in vice. gamhling. protection

The woman who gave birth to 69 children isn’t even named

which some 25‘} is prolit.’

In the section on psychic l‘orces. a woman got scores that departed from prohahility hy a factor so great ‘that there may he a del'ect in the theory ol‘ prohahility”.

This and the extreme sensitivity ol' the linger. which can detect a movement of ().()2 ol' a micron. are the closest the [funk can come to measuring love. The woman who gave hirth to ()9 children isn't even named. ()nly her hushand is.

In the gathering ol‘ stul'l‘ like this. the twins and their

ohsession with quantifying remind me ol‘ the umneasurahle nature ol‘all that which is heloved.

I imagine my pancakes are going to stand l‘orever as the most super stack ol' all times (lirst equal) in my gttiltless hook oli recognition.

rackets and rigged trading ol‘ S3l).()()()m per annum ol

A really shocking arm's 1c proposal....

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120 THE LIST ".