1 Insider is on holiday. Now. unlike mere iack-of-aIl-trades Insider. l — Outsider — am a film buff. make no mistake. And I make no mistakes. Oh no. Not ever. But film buff or not. Outsider has been unable to view three of the biggest Hollywood films opening in the UK over the next fertnight. Blade 2. Collateral Damage and Rollerba/l have all yet to be screened to the press by their respective distribution companies. or at least they won't be screened early enough for editorial deadlines at The List. OutSider suspects this is a damage limitation exercise. a worrying strategy that's becoming increasingly common and which is aimed at av0iding bad reviews that might blight advertising campaigns. Film companies. of course. deny this is the case: usually the print hasn‘t arrived in the c0untry in time to screen blah. blah. is the official excuse. But it can't be coincidence that when a film isn't press screened. most often it turns out to be crap. If US reviews are anything to go by. both Collateral Rampage and Rollerblade will be dreadful. Outsider would be Surprised. however if Blade 2 was crap. The first vampire hunter adventure was a thoroughly entertaining bloodbath. and the seguel is directed by none other than Alejandro Amenébar. who scored high with his supernatural thrillers. Cronos and The DeVil's Backbone. l'm fairly sure he did anyway.
Outsider doesn't watch football. but has heard that in its television trailer for the Scotland v France rugby
8 THE LIST 28 Mar 1 ‘. Apr .700?
Who’s getting up to what
match. BBC Scotland opted to use as its musical accompaniment George Harrison‘s 'We All Stand Together'. aka ‘The Frog Chorus'. Racist. moi? Only if you're a snail-snacker.
Outsider hasn't been to the theatre since pantomimes with mother and father. but was nevertheless interested to hear Baz Luhrmann has been indulging in some rather unusual casting exercrses for his next extravagant production. This is not a film but a Broadway production of La Boheme. the 12th century Belgian opera — and I‘ll eat my hat if that's not true. Luhrmann will once more update a classic text (as he did on film with A Midsummer Night's Dream). setting La Boheme in Paris circa 1957. When it finally reaches the stage in December. the show won't boast the likes of Pavarotti or Domingo. but a cast of ‘sexy singers in their twenties’. Thus recent casting exerCIses included Luhrmann telling his ‘kids from Fame’ to ditch the text and improvise in English. Outrageous Aussie.
A film featuring Barbie. the ever- popular kids' doll. which was due to be shown at a film festival in Mexico has been banned. The film, the title of which eludes Outsider. recasts Barbie as a lesbian. which outraged the toymakers who blocked the screening claiming Iesbo Barbie is a perverSion of their plastic beauty. And does anyone recall that other banned 'Barbie film”. Superstar. in which Todd Haynes retold the Sharon Carpenter story. anorexic puking
and all. Via the medium of puppet animation? I think that's right.
Outsider doesn't own a television. but regularly takes advantage of good-natured friends to catch episodes of The SOpranos. Of slight interest. then. is the news that Timmy Soprano himself. James Gandolfini. is to divorce his Wife of three years. Of course. unlike telly James. real-life James is unlikely to resort to having his wife whacked. Still. if I were Marcy Gandolfini. I might think twice about getting shitty over who gets their New Jersey home.
OuISider notes that Insider has an obsession with stories ab0ut iMac enthusiasts. receipt of hardware delivery parties. etc. How abOut this for technological teacake-ness then? The ironically surnamed Steve Mann has spent his life attempting to become a cyborg. That‘s right: this nut wants to become a cyberman like in Star Trek. And of course. he's from Austin. Texas. Which is very handy. as
it turns out. because Austin is home to
the Southwest Film Festival. which is to screen a documentary about Mann. imaginativer titled Cyberman.
Finally. hot off the press comes the news that the latest 007 adventure. working titled Bond 20. has been given a proper title by the film's producers: Goldmember. a skit. no doubt on the earlier Connery classic. Goldfinger‘.
Insider is away (Outsider has been sacked: ed)
‘Lucky that my lips not only mumble/T hey spill kisses like fountains/Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/So you don’t confuse them with mountains.’ Shakira makes her bid for the lvor Novel/o Songwriter Award With these Don mots from current hit Sing/e ‘Whenever Wherever'.
‘I can’t even watch TV without the thing chipping in with stupid comments. Either it goes or I do.’ Unhappily married woman Maureen Roberts has had enough of her husband Ray '3 obseSSion with his ventri/oquist dummy Charlie 80y.
‘She would masturbate on a bed. I don’t get that.’
Britney shrugs off any comparisons With Madonna.
‘He’s made a fortune out of me. If I wasn’t here, he would be skint. The least Sacha could do is send me a few quid and cigars to make up for it.’
Sir Jimmy Saw/e. apparent/y conwnced he is the sole inspiration behind Ali G.
‘Actual penetrative intercourse with a robot would be painful, I imagine.’ Moby comes clean on his mystery all- night photos/foot Simulating sex With a tin person.
‘The till people were being really dumb.’
Dido gives her perfectly understandable reason for shoplifting lipstick many years ago.
‘The hat increases my chances of being beaten up.’ Damon Gough aka Badly Drawn Boy tel/s why he has ditched the teacosy whenever he goes out in Manchester.
The cat in the hat, ‘32::