The Front

THE INSIDER Who’s getting up to what

I Insider is very happy. A new story about Macintosh madness has just arrived. You perhaps recall the strange fella from Texas who couldn't wait for his iMac to arrive so he set up a cardboard replica of the computer on his desk? OK. now this: a recent eBay auction featured an empty cardboard box dating from 1984 and previously containing one of the first Macintosh computers being sold for 8500. That's correct: empty box - 8500. Apparently the box was 'slightly yellowed' (ah-huh . . . ) and 'discoloured on the top and sides' (shame). but did ‘include all of the original packaging materials: the Styrofoam inserts. plastic sleeves and boxes for the keyboard and mouse'. Well. thank Christ on his motorbike for that. Ironically. the box is worth more than the computer it once contained: the resale value of which is zero.

I Insider is very angry. Very. sodomise me angry. The British Board of Film Classification is up to its old censorship tricks again. The independent body that certificates films and advises cuts to them accordingly for release in UK cinemas has just chopped eleven seconds of unsimulated oral sex from the French drama The Pornographer. In fact. the BBFC got a little overzealous and hacked seventeen seconds from the film. A spokesperson for the organisation said: ‘It is very rare for us to see a mainstream film with this level of real sex.‘ Yes. of course it is if you keep chopping the bloody scenes. Ah!!!

I This decision is particularly disappointing seeing as the BBFC last year agreed to relax its guidelines around the sex content in films after gauging public opinion and finding us happy to see more shagging on screen. Subsequently. we got to see Kerry Fox give Mark Rylance a blow job in Intimacy. But they weren't at it for a full eleven seconds. Insider would like to know why eleven seconds of sucking off is more disturbing than Kerry‘s. say, five? More to the point. why does the BBFC consider an image of someone being blown off disturbing at all? As Insider is Sure any number of consenting adults will attest: oral sex (and let's include cunnilingus here) is extremely pleasurable. Perhaps the BBFC fears that were it to allow the public to watch a full-on eleven second blow job. cinemas audiences would spontaneously give mass public head? Ah. the thought - it‘s a beautiful thing.

I Insider is mildly amused. The forthcoming animated film Sharks/ayer tells the tail. er. tale of how the deep

8 THE LIST 28 Mar—l t Apr 2002


UK cinema goers don’t get to see what happens next

sea underworld is shaken up when the main mobster gets killed and an innocent young snapper is accused of the crime. Sopranos star James Gandolfini is to provide the voice of a deadly fish. Imaginative bit of casting. that. Meanwhile. Robert ller. who plays Gandolfini's son Anthony Jr in The Sopranos. is about to stand trial for robbery and possession of marijuana. No doubt. there's some snide comment along the lines: under the influence. ller got confused between himself and Anthony Jr. resulting in evil criminal acitivty. But lnsrder isn't going to sink that low. More mildly amusing is the news that Jamie-Lynn Sigler. who plays Gandolfini's daughter Meadow in The Sopranos. sang the American national anthem at the recent Boston Celtics v Los Angeles Lakers baseball game. Asked which Small screen sibling he was most proud of. Gandolfini replied: ‘Get the fok outta here.’ (But not really.

Insider just made that up. Although. Insider is at pains to point out. everything else in this column is factually correct. Except the opinions.)

til Insider is delighted. Delighted to hear that naughty Hollywood studio Sony Pictures Entertainment has agreed to pay the state of Connecticut 8236000 for using fake film reviews attributed to a local newspaper to promote its films. You might remember Sony was Outted for adorning posters to films such as The Animal with favourable quotes from The Ridgefie/d Press written by David Manning. Manning. it tranSpired. was a member of Sony's marketing staff and never wrote a film review in his life. Although 8236.000 is small change to Sony. it does Insider's heart good to know that they can't get away With that no more. And for those interested. here's the quote Insider w0u|d have given Sony on The Animal: ‘lt's dog shit'.

‘In my opinion, the reason why this church is so

THE QUOTES dead set against

abortion is so

that its priests can have a ready stream of children to molest.’

The ever rational Julie Burch/ll goes on a rant.

‘When you’ve got 1400 cows to look after, there’s always so much to do. You never get bored.’

The Calvin Klein underwear model Travis Fimme/ obvious/y knows something about real work.

‘That’s rad, man’.

Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond Jr reacts to news that Ryan Adams is releasing his own version of Is This It. track for track in the blues—style.

‘Once you get past a certain age women who work in films always end up playing the jowly wife who gets rejected by their husband. To me America is a world of facelifts and no frowns.’ Imogen Stubbs explains why she has turned her back on Hollywood for British regional theatre.

‘It would take a very big cheque to buy my soul.’ Pop Idol failure Rik Waller 's puts a price on his own head.

‘Since my kids have been able to read, they’ve been reading about my sex life.’ Cybi/l Shepherd expresses some regrets.

‘I might try and get less shallow.’

Hugh Grant speculates on his life after movies.

Big-eared bunch of cunts. I don’t give a took about ’em. I’ll be having a rather large shit that day.’ Liam Gallagher gets steaming into the Jubilee spirit.

Liam vents his spleen at the Queen