The Front


So the Queen Mum’s finally gone. No longer need we fret about how best to react once she pops it. She popped it. We did nothing. But who’s next? What are their chances of dying and how much media coverage will their passing herald?

e = chances of dying 2 media coverage

IAN SCOTT, theatre designer and associate artist With l Suspect Culture, chooses his five favourite gadgets.

1 Chrome Breville Sandwich Toaster circa. 1980 The original and best.

Ringo It’s obvious that Paul McCartney will live for ever, so the odds are looking grim for the former Richard Starkey as the most likely ex-Beatle to go next. The radio will play “Yellow Submarine’ a couple of times and Paul McCartney will become even more famous.

2 Apple Mac 64 Titanium Notebook My resistance to the laptop culture was finally broken by this thing of use and beauty. Even the cables are gorgeous.

Duke of Edinburgh A few more untoward remarks to foreign nationals and HRH will become too much of a liability for Buckingham Palace to sustain. It‘ll cut off his food supply or contrive an

3 Revox 877 red to red tape unfortunate shooting accident. The papers will write about nothing else for a month.

recorder I first used one to make a sound effects tape of explosions for a World War I play at drama school in 1982. l loved the look of it and how the spools moved.

.. -- Pope John Paul II Rather than keel over mid-mass, his holiness will surprise us with a heart attack 4 "V cm" 03 23“ (1972) A during a bout of arm wrestling with a passing boy band. The papers will largely ignore it, apart from the

car Years ahead 0f “5 “me: "‘9 lifestyle supplements which will run identical features on how to create different coloured smoke. headlights move with the steering wheel and you can raise the car to drive through big puddles.

5 Strand Tubular Ripple Tank I want to use this on every show. It's

an old and simple lighting effect that produces an image of water ripples.

Elizabeth Taylor It’ll surely take several more husbands and a half dozen bouts of corrective surgery before her innings are up. By that time, she‘ll be 90 per cent plastic and technically incapable of death. It will be covered only in the science supplements.

PETE IRVINE, event director of r/

Glasgow Art

Fair, picks out 1 Eminem The boy's gotta keep trying to shock us and he’ll soon be running out of ideas. The possibility the five of being pop’s first suicide bomber will be hard to resist. The press will run a small obituary and then favou'ite works acre upon acre about allegations of copycat teenage suicides.

of art he has

bought at the fair.

1 David Mach It's one of his big collages of Princes Street Gardens in the summertime. I think he's a great artist. There's also a chance to see his work at GOMA.

Margaret Thatcher No, that’s just wishful thinking. Strokes or no strokes, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie is not going to be out, out, out in a hurry. And when she is. there will be six months of official mourning. It’ll be horrendous.

2 Ronnie Tait Rennie is a Scottish artist, a figurative painter in the style of Poussin. The work I bought is of a powerstation which has a really dreamlike quality.


Brian Wilson The Beach Boy can still recreate the perfection of Pet Sounds live on stage, but he surely can‘t be getting around for much longer. The radio will play ‘California Girls’ a couple of times 3 Craigie Aitchison A print that l and Paul McCartney will become even more famous. bought from Advanced Graphics London. It's a crucifix on a hill and it's a typical primitive style which I adore.

i 7552i Sean Connery Big Tam‘s still looking sturdy, so the SNP's trump card isn't in too much danger. When I the big day comes, however, the entire Scottish media will shut down for a week and everyone in

' ._ Edinburgh Will get free milk. Meanwhile the BBC will run a Roger Moore season.

4 Philip Braham I bought my

pictures of Rannoch Moor and a

harvest field from his studio after seeing his work on Cyril Gerbers' stand at the fair. Sorry Cyril!

5 Robert Maclaurin This early work is a simple depiction of a rock climber going up a lace. Sometimes I know how that feels.

George Best He’s been on the wagon for a while now. but he’s a ghost of his former self. An unthinking half pint of shandy could finish him off. All newspapers will go on a bender of blanket coverage for three days and then stop.

I D I N David Mach: Hell Bent Gallery of Modern Art. Glasgow

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6 THE LIST 1 1-2:") Apr 2002