Rear View

Phil Kay

High-speed eye cleansing in the countryside

I feel that this car with strokings on the dash and doing the soft long

nudge that lets gears find their own way, especially into third will keep

ltimately it is not as easy as you think to prepare and administer

your own cleansing eye-bath while driving. It reminds me of eating

half at Marks & Spencer lobster with no cutlery at the wheel for the first time and meeting the police on a comer near Troon and almost veering into them with shock. dressing sliding my hands all around.

This time I am being safe and methodical and have already performed faultlessly the relatively simple vault: jacket on and zipped up around the seatbelt. I pick the jacket up from behind me in the blind sweep that knows it has 100 miles to find the thing on the backseat and bring it forward. I put my right arm through the sleeve. As it comes out. the hand is straight onto the steering and the left takes the rest of the jacket. It helps it up and around in a full salsa hand movement. incorporating a dummy to get round the belt. All it needs is a readjusting of the right hand grip and a little twist and roll—through from the left wrist and we're there.

Oh and on the A9 never be texting as you overtake the police.

The eyebathing is simple: just 18—20111] of Strathmore pure Scottish ‘you cannae bottle it‘ water poured into the cap and the bottle gripped intra-thighly and the millilitres applied to an eye tricked into staying open in order to look out of the executive sky-roof. All types of sky can be seen through it and if you have it open in the rain. the aero-dynamique of the sincere French stylings allows no rain in.

With an unblinking stare. I receive the cool sight of water through the refraction vision of itself in its own tears.

The car is going like a dream. flying over Scotland and very much a grey wedge. It is an early 90s family estate and it has that feeling of a heavily beaten guard dog learning to love and trust and exert itself for a new owner.

It can’t be in yourfavour to have smoking tyremarks and all your hair going forward

going forever and maybe die under me on an up-hill being chased.

It has some of those fading glorious semi-executive car features like unlocking and a jack. It does have electric chairs that you can have going forward as you accelerate which puts an added zoom on it. If your breaking seems like it isn’t going to be enough. you could always reverse

away from the crash inside on your seat and delay it slightly.

I have the seat quite upright and feel like a rally position. I muse on how lucky rally drivers are. They never have to worry about the three main things: who‘s paying for petrol; where are we going; and I wonder if anyone is coming the other way.

I do a few hairy overtakes when you have to keep the chill suppressed in the chest and accelerate faster towards the impending doom in order to get in safely.

The eye bath‘s tears do succeed in washing out whatever is beneath the lid. I can drive full speed. I have driven all the way up this road getting a speed camera flashing me and I am trying to avoid getting one at the same place coming back

1 down. I remember the sensation of breaking heavily.

I’m sure also that it can’t be in your favour to have big

break-lightings. smoking tyremarks. all your hair going

forward and still doing 63mph.

1 saw some great things though: a huge lorry articulated and

apparently abandoned in the middle of a forest and on the side.

huge. it said: EUROBUNS. They don’t sound nice and real for breakfast. No-gooten Morton Rolls.

Johny Fardell

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