The Front

‘I’m not great at faking my way through trying to

THE INSIDER Who’s getting up to what THE QUOTES live up to the

perfect American

virginal sweetheart kind

of thing.’

Christina Aguilera explains her more ‘raunchy' image.

I On an average Monday morning. Insider receives 7632 press releases (and if you believe that you'll believe anything). Nevertheless and as you can imagine. it takes something special to make one jump to the top of the pile. All hail Scottish stand-up Jerry Sadowitz. therefore. who romps home with The List's annual Lifetime Achievement Award for the Best Opening Line in a Press Release Ever. Before explaining that the foul- mouthed funnyrnan doesn't expect his entire audience to walk out. but won't consider a show to be successful if all of them stay to the end. the press release begins sweetly and succinctly: 'Jerry Sadowitz is a cunt . . .'

‘I need a car that would better telegraph my image as candidate for California governor. And a Ferrari Spider just doesn’t get that across.’

lt/i'otorrnouth Arr ire Schwarzenegger on the fast track to political power.

‘If a man has fantastic shoes he’s either gay or married. It’s that simple.’

Gwyneth Paltrow bemoans the shoddy nature of Single hetero blokes' footwear:

I Talking of ‘cunt'. Ken Loach is urging underage teenagers to break the law to go see his 18-certificated film Sweet Sixteen. The film. which dramatises the plight of a 15-year-old Barking up the wrong tree ned from Greenock. and which is clearly supposed to speak to 15-year- old neds from Greenock and neds elsewhere about the globe. has been given a prohibitive adult-only certificate by the British Board of Film Classification because it contains too many expletives. including multiple usage of the word ‘cunt'. Insider has to wonder whether the BBFC is aware that your average 15-year-old will utter such words many times each and every day. Powerful as Loach‘s film is. it is unlikely to cause kids that don't swear to start swearing. nor kids that swear like devil-dolls to double their usage of words such 'cunt'. ‘cock'. ‘wanker'. ‘bollocks' and. of course. 'pigfucker'.

‘Although modern implants can withstand a great deal, the risk of them being damaged when boxing can never be ruled out.’

Silicone expert Dr Thomas Jansen warns enhanced porn star Gina Wild against getting into the ring with Samantha Fox for a celebrity scrap on German TV.

‘Modern is no longer modern, which means that the past is the new black.’ Larry Llewelyn Bowen tries to SOL/rid profound. lt didn 't work.

‘It’s a real shame I’m not doing it but the operation means the world to me.’ Dannie/la Westbrook knows that surgery to rebuild her septum means she won 't be appearing on Crossroads. Sniff.

I In the glory days of the Citizens'. the Glasgow theatre w0uld produce the most lavishly beautiful picture

books. Every five years or so. it I I I ‘l’m very, very published a giant SCrapbOOk-sized London fringe theatre \‘lllllOlIl actually Ninja Macbeth. in which the Scottish intellectually collection of black and white seeing any of the productions play was re-enacted by one inch ninja hungry.’ photographs of all the productions themselves. figurines. Let's hope the hon carrots Geri Him/WU” aims to that had graced its Gorbals stage. and divrne potatoes make it to UK “3618‘! 0/7 kil<)l‘i’/O(1'(JO The three volumes. which go as far as I There's a cra/y snort film doing the cinemas soon. "(ll/"3" "W7 300(13- 1985. are impossibly gorgeOus rounds at American multiplexes. collectors items. Anyway. now the Jonah: A Vegg/eTt’i/es Movie. in which I When it comes to sensitive pieces g ~- -. I A StaWif‘Q Citz wants to do another one. Thus. vegetables act out a ‘touching biblical of scheduling. Channel it may well q ' f ' amSt Citz supremo Giles Havergal is story filled wrth heart and humour". have taken the biscuit with its

raising money for a volume that will Hmm’? Reminds Insider of two other evening's entertainment of Thursday

bring us up to date not just with drama's featuring non—human casts. 17 October. At 9pm. we have Ulrika

every mainstage production since The first is Superstar. Todd Haynes' Jonsson: The Truth about Men in

1985. of which there are many. but short film of the lite and anorexrc which the Vic'n'Bob \.'i.’ll|l)l_)lllg girl

every show in the two studios as well. death of Karen Carpenter as recalls her traumas wrth the fellas.

That's a lot of pictures. And it'll cost a performed by a cast of Barbie dolls. Presumany this will include the

lot of cash. Havergal is expecting a bill Between the Carpenter estate and alleged attack the fragile blonde took

of 5:40.000 or. as he says. the price of Barbie manufacturer Mattel. the from tall. athletic. little-haired Stan

a small house. Halfway towards his powers that be managed to get Collymore in 1998. Once that's over.

total already. he's been sweet-talking Superstar ‘.-'.’llll(lT<'l‘.‘/ll from public we have Falling Apart. in which Cold

WOuld-be benefactors in the States screenings. If. like Insider. you've seen Feet's Hermione Norris plays a fragile

and has already has a cash pledge the film. then you've broken the law. blonde who takes a savage beating

from horror writer Clive Barker who The other non-human drama which from tall. athletic. little-haired Mark

took inspiration from the early picture impressed Insider was this August's Strong. A night of big bald men

books when he was working in Edinburgh Fringe production. liny beating small blondes. tben.

8 THE LIST 17—31 Oct 2002