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Episode one: There goes the neighbourhood

lhe lan‘rly move into their new Beverley Hills mansion and when unpacking Jack finds a bayonet that might frt hrs dad's rifle.

Magic moment How many rock'n'roll farnrly members does it take to switch on a vacuum cleaner"? Answer: three. as Ox/y. Sharon and Kelly get to grips with the new lloover. Words of wisdom O//y to Jack: 'l love you all more than lrfe itself but you're all fucking rnad.‘

IV THE OSBOURNES Channel 4, Frit Nov, 10pm 0000.

he thought of allot/rel fly on the wall documentary rs enough to fill anyone with dread. so its alar'n‘rng to find Just how absoluter engrossing and hrlarrous Hie Osborn/res rs. it doesn't take long to fall for the charms however deeply buried » of ageing rock god Ox/y Osbourne. his ‘.'/lf(} manager Sharon and their bratty offspring. terror—teens \Jack and Kelly. In dealing with the everyday minutiae of lrle r lV remote (,oritro.s. pets. noisy nerghbours etcr we see that this rs like any

Episode four: Won’t you be my neighbour?

Sharon gets branded 'the wicked wrtch of the east' by their posh lnglrsh slacker neighbours when she cornplarns about tlrerr late night guitar sing a long sessions and their blasting out of ‘sexy turopean dance music [OX/vs description].

Magic moment Sharon retalrates . . huge Joint of ham.

Words of wisdom ()//y. on hearing about their noisy neighbours. ponders retaliation: ‘lhey're fucking wrtlr the wrong people. l'll get a pigs head from the butchers. that'll fuck but up.'

other family they rust happen to have a famous niultr million WW" it selling rock star at the head of the dinner table. Strange as rt may seent. if there's one thrng ,.ou come away wrth after

.‘xatchrng Hit}().‘;/)()l1ll)(,‘f; rs that surprisingly enough given hrs legendary drink. drugs and bat eating excesses over the last Iii)

the only reall‘, sane one in the whole house rs ()//{.. Here's a 'iurrli; to our favourite episodes. 'Mark Hobertsorri

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Episode two: Bark at the moon The pets in the Osbourne household are suitably neurotic and Jack's bulldog Lola is having particular trouble adjusting to her new home. proceeding to poo everywhere. Magic moment After an afternoon working with Lola to cure her behaviour. dog therapist Tamara waves goodbye from the driveway orin to see Lola pissmg on the hall carpet. Words of wisdom Ozzy on discovering yet another dog turd: 'That dog rs a terrorist. he's one of Bin Laden's gang.‘

Episode five: Tour of duty O/zy enlists the help of a personal trainer to get fit for his Merry Mayhem' Christmas t0ur. He is left iii the dark as to some of the significant details of the tour and isn't happy. Magic moment Sharon exposmg her seeming lack of awareness about her own genitals when she cries out while complaining about her kitchen duties: Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum . . . do I have a scrotum?’ Words of wisdom O/xy blows a gasket on finding out about hrs stage pyrotechnics. 'l'm the Prince of fucking Darkness. I don't want a fucking bubble machine. lrust wanna rock'n'r‘oll.'

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